Best option for new stage of life for recently widowed mum?

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My DM, in her early 70s, was widowed last year. It’s too soon for her to consider moving out of the large family home, but she has expressed an interest in downsizing. She would really like to move in with my family if possible, but DH and I know this would be more than we could cope with so it’s not an option unfortunately. It’s a pity that’s the case as would meet her need for company (we have 4 young DC as well) and mean I wasn’t driving up and down the road so often to see her but it wouldn’t work so no point in lamenting that.

DM is relatively physically fit, but struggles with managing finances etc and I am doing most of her household admin. She’s quite lonely following the loss of DF. She has made a point of continuing to go to the groups and exercise classes etc she joined when she retired a year or so ago, and has started volunteering which is all helpful. However, she doesn’t have many close friends locally, isn’t comfortable driving further afield and I’m an only child.

I am wondering if something like a retirement village or similar would work in her situation. She isn’t well off financially and has a small pension but does own the family home with no mortgage now.

Does anyone have any thoughts on what has worked for their DP’s at this stage of life?

Somewhere she had support with house maintainace etc, and company on hand but didn’t require care would be ideal (and give me peace of mind too if I am honest) I think but I may be looking at this with rose tinted glasses.

Any pitfalls to be aware of as we consider this?

I know several folk in the same situation that have moved into one of the retirement villages near here. They are all really pleased they made the move and all love it.

Apart from the company, and the numerous activities, there is the fact that the worry of trying to get someone to fix this or that, or maintaining a garden, or trying to sort the best deal for utilities, etc. has been taken away that gives peace of mind.

However they do seem quite expensive.
Yes, you balance the monthly fees against the fact you are no longer heating a bigger house / paying utilities / paying broadband / paying for someone to cut the grass - and in many cases, no longer feel the need to drive so all the costs of running a car.
There have been quite a lot of threads recently about how difficult they are to sell in some of these places and how you have to keep paying the service charges all the time you are trying to sell them. So read the T&C carefully when considering this as an option.

I think, from the residents' pov - they are generally fab places. But I do here that some then become a nightmare for those left behind after the resident's death. I have to say I've not heard any of those stories from the 2 nearest me, so I do think it is worth looking in to.

As someone who is years down the road of having a widowed parent, don't fall into the trap of feeling you have to solve the problem of them being lonely.

Of course they are, they've lost their life partner, but you can't replace that. Mine became very dependent on me and I came quite close to losing my career and having a family because of that!

Things that helped:
Bereavement group locally which meant meeting new people in similar situation.
Volunteering - all of these seemed to involve a lot of sitting and chatting with other people! Nothing strenuous.
Encourage seeing the friends even if they're not local. Trains and National Express are both good and offer assistance with luggage if needed. Does she ever invite the friends to stay?
It's easy to start doing things for them as you can do it more easily but it doesn't help them in the long term. I had to do some pointing to resources like the internet/basic computing lessons run by the local library as mine had never used a computer.

What about a smaller property that is close to you?

I have heard some bad things about retirement village type set ups - high costs and then extremely hard to sell (most likely at a huge loss).

Mine also had rose-tinted ideas about moving in with us! She hasn't thought at all about the reality: adults out at work all day, the reality of living with loud unpredictable children, the constant coming and going to children's activities, our meals aren't at times she wants to eat and often not food she wants to eat either!

Mine ended up going down the bungalow route which works in some ways, but bungalows still need maintenance and often come with biggish gardens. Because it's in a row of bungalows with biggish gardens that means it's still a bit of a walk to the bus stop in the next road so it's not very practical! And doesn't really help with providing company although it does mean she has room for friends to stay over comfortably.

Thanks all, it’s useful to hear your experiences. My own grandparents lived with family in their later years (my grandfather on my DM’s side with us, and my grandmother on my DF’s side lived lived with my aunt and family) so I think in some ways my DM just expected this to be a good idea that we would be able to consider. Selfishly, DH and I know it wouldn’t work for us and the kids so I have just had to say it’s not something we can consider. I feel awful knowing she’s at home alone all weekend with no company if we don’t see her though (most of her groups/volunteering are during the week) but it would be too much for me if we lived together.

She has been to stay with a few friends and close family for the weekend in recent months. It involves them collecting her or me taking her there though because she gets extremely anxious about travelling somewhere she is unfamiliar with even on public transport (she is on medication for mental health difficulties). I’ve been ok with doing this in the short term but I know it simply can’t continue, my DC need more of me at this stage. Assistance on the trains is a good idea, I hadn’t thought of that, thanks!

We hadn’t considered a bungalow closer by, that might be a good option to look at. Thanks for sharing your experience re retirement villages. They sound ideal in principle but I have also read of the concerns re selling them. I’m wondering if she might be eligible for one she could rent rather than buy now I have read a few of your replies. One to look into. Thanks!

Would she consider something like this?
https://homeshareuk.org/

@DisplayPurposesOnly, this is such a good idea! I haven’t come across this before, thank you. She has the space and I think this might be something she would be interested in.

Thank you all. My plan is to look into various options to find out more so we have some information for her to consider when she is ready to think about it.

Your mum is still quite young and from the sound of it goes out and about (exercise classes) which is great given how recently she was widowed. I think that since she's talked about downsizing and wanting to live near you, it would make sense to help her explore that rather than the retirement village option. My mum was widowed at a similar age and had just moved, so had to start again with a new social life etc without my dad. She's now 86 and well integrated in her community. Of course it depends on the individual and how gregarious they are. It's extremely hard (I'm widowed myself) and your support will be very important to her, but ultimately if she makes her own choices she'll feel stronger and more invested in her new future

Retirement villages are very expensive and notoriously hard to sell on. Also, they may not cope with nursing needs, so she needs to manage her wealth carefully so any surplus from downsizing is well invested to draw on if she needs care later in life.

I'd suggest she has a small flat or house very near you so you are not commuting such distances regularly. As she gets older, she will need more attention from you and if you need to move her into care, again it would be easier if she was near by to look at suitable places. Help her settle in and meet people her age in your area. Look up exercises classes etc so once she's settled in, she can get started again with these activities.

As someone who had very needy parents who were a three hour round trip away and expected me to be on call at very inconvenient times, when Dc were small, I'd have given anything for them to be nearer. And now, my mum is in a care home literally hundreds of miles from me. Getting there takes a day. So even if I go for a quick visit, it is three days round trip. Avoid this.

With the retirement village option, definitely look into second (or more) hand flats rather than brand new because they loose huge value straight away, by buying from another family you are making sure that her investment is more secure.

Check the fees and what's included really carefully before you proceed to buy, they won't want to disclose early on so you don't scrutinise the small print too finely. Look at the formula for their increase.

Finally look at the rules and procedures for if care is needed etc. larger complexes may have a nursing wing or an arrangement with another facility whereas other complexes are stand alone so you would have to sell and find another place

Retirement village would be a good idea, they hold activities etc and means she'd be getting out & about and meeting others like her.

That or a bungalow by you, however you'd still have the issue of her being lonely and wanting to see you most days or every day.

Was going to suggest this too

My FiL bought and moved into a sheltered flat with a warden - but one run by a social housing provider. That worked well for him - a bit of company, an eye on him, no maintenance worries - until he died a few years later. Selling wasn't super quick or cheap but I don't recall anything outrageous.

Please don't feel guilty re the weekends and her not living with you! It's totally impractical and not helping her in the long term as she'd be totally dependent on you.

I grew up with a grandparent living with us and it was so difficult and stifling. It's very difficult to do kids' activities and parties, plus anything you need to do and provide the company the elderly person wants/needs. Going on holiday was particularly difficult as either elderly grandparent had to be left at home on their own (which meant never holidaying more than a couple of hours away in
case of emergency) or came with us. And a holiday with under-10s, a 75+yo and two exhausted working parents isn't something anyone enjoys.

Mine went through the being lonely at weekends stage. Bank holiday weekends in particular. But she's reached a stage when she now arranges to meet friends for lunch or a coffee and various activities like a book group or the theatre. Yes, she'd far rather be sitting talking at me, but I'm not available all that time!

Thank you all, you have given me some really useful food for thought. It’s useful to hear of your experiences as an idea what may lie ahead as well.

Retirement villages and retirement flats are primarily businesses, so be aware of that.

Also please do Google “bungalow legs”. I’ve watched this deterioration and it’s definitely a real phenomenon that causes pain and disability. Don’t shrug it off, please

Friend of mine struggled to sell her DM’s flat in one of these, and had to continue paying bills when it was empty. Total nightmare and she had to sell it for next to nothing in the end, in fact she said she would have happily given it away.

Agree with others to look at schemes run by housing association. There is a range of definitions including extra care, sheltered etc

I definitely wouldn't pay for extra care at this stage - it's a wonderful option for those who do need actual care, but very expensive indeed if the main need is social support which she is physically and mentally able to access (or will be if she isn't grieving so hard).

I personally think either the home share or a bungalow/small house/normal flat local to you would be the best option at this stage, if you can find something that suits her. If she takes her time and gets something nice, it will be easily resaleable. I'd always go for at least 2 bedrooms to allow for future options like friends to stay or a live in carer. Do look very carefully at the sunlight and heating needs. An awful lot of retirement flats are on storage heaters which are freezing unless on all the time.

If she’s in reasonable shape can I suggest she joins the local Ramblers group. There seem to be lots of single older people there. Our local one has a huge range of different lengths of walks. A social evening once a month and walks often include an option of pub lunch or picnic.

I know that your mother's life has changed after your father's death. You were right in considering you, your husband and children after she asked you about moving in and saying that this would not suit you.

I would encourage her to get involved with some organisations in her area like active retirement, any retirement groups or see if there is a local day centre. See if their are any local groups for her interests and get her involved with these.
I would also encourage her to use public transport as it will give her options to go places, do things and see people.
You need to tell her I can't always drop all at home and drive or go with you on the train or bus to x relatives.

Your not been mean but it's important for your mother that she builds up her own life and gets used to using public transport. If she wants to move to your area I would look at a 2 bed bungalow or a 2 bed apartment in a well maintained building. Check that the bathroom door is wide enough for a walker and get a wet room installed. A 2nd bedroom means that someone could stay if she needs care at a later date and she can invite her friends to stay also.

I know a lot of women who are now in their 80's and some have lost their husbands. As they got older having friends and interests helped them. Some got involved with their local church, clubs for their interests or local retirement groups or a day centre. The day centre enabled them to meet people of their age and it gave them something to look forward to each week. Your mother's local library, citizens information or local paper could have information regarding these.

I would also encourage her to walk, go to a gym, do swimming or aqua aerobics and keep fit as it will help her as she gets older. A lot of health areas now do course to prevent falls and get your mother to do this as a fall can cause a lot of problems as people age.