Helping with dementia long distance

[letsfaceitwhoisnt]

I promise this is about an elderly parent but to provide a bit of context...

DH and I are having a bit of a hard time at the moment with general life, work commitments, both in challenging jobs for one reason or another. DH works away a couple of nights a week.

DD1 has ASD and is reaching burnout so we are pretty much providing round the clock care for her. Her ASD severely impacts her ability to sleep so we are being woken multiple times in the night by violent meltdowns. DD2 is also an awful sleeper and wakes before 5am every day. We are both knackered and getting close to breaking point.

FIL was diagnosed with dementia a few years ago. He moved to another part of the county (to be closer to a hobby) which takes us about 6 hours to get to. We used to visit in school holidays but with DD1, it is becoming more and more difficult to do the journey as any disruption really unsettles her.

For background FIL was not very present when DH was growing up. He moved around a lot with work, remarried and had a new family and only saw DH during Christmas and summer holidays.

FIL partner is quite a bit younger than FIL, I like her but she is not the most compassionate person. She feels she's been robbed of her golden years with FIL which I can completely understand but she seems to have no empathy for his condition whatsoever. It's hard to hear from so far away and DH is getting more and more frustrated with the way she speaks about him and treats him (from what she tells us).

Recently it's become apparent that the dementia has progressed quite significantly and DH is worried that he might not have much time left. I think it's important for DH to see his dad as much as possible and I know he will regret it if we don't make this happen.

But how on earth do we make this happen with a 6 hour journey and a disabled child? He is already working away frequently and he knows in struggling to work and look after DD2 and DD1 so is reluctant to go alone. Does anyone have any ideas that may work in this situation. I don't want DH to be remorseful that he didn't see FIL enough / didn't make enough effort. He the most lovely kind and caring man and I want to try and help him with this.

That's tough. I have done the caring at a distance myself, though two hours for me rather than six. From what you've said here, I think the lesser evil is for your DH to go alone - because the travel is going to be disruptive for your girls - but with two conditions. He talks to his employer about taking some scheduled time off, eg takes one day off every week or fortnight for a while to do this and then maybe goes Friday for the weekend or Friday to Saturday. You look for whatever help you can get with the girls, eg family who can come and have them for the afternoon while you catch up on sleep.

Without wanting to sound really harsh, are you sure about your FIL having a short time left? Plenty of people on here have posted about their relatives with dementia living longer than expected.

And your DH working away -$is this conveniently in the right direction to travel to his dad's? Or not?

@Holesintheground thanks so much for your reply. I think this is the right things to do too. DH is feeling really guilty about leaving us and not wanting to do it. I think I'll just continue to gently encourage him. I know I will have a hard time trying to convince him to take any time off work too but even one weekend stay a month would be a huge difference to where we're at currently.

I've no idea really? He has declined quite rapidly and it's vascular which I believe does have a shorter life expectancy.

Sadly not it's the opposite direction completely.

I do have family not too far away who I know will come and help if I ask. Thanks again for taking the time to reply.

I think it's important for DH to see his dad as much as possible and I know he will regret it if we don't make this happen.

What does he say to this? If his dad wasn’t very present does he feel this way? Does his dad recognise him or get much benefit from his visits? Are you convinced you wouldn’t be sacrificing your own family to sentiment or duty?

Obviously if DH really wants to spend time with fil now then that’s different.

@olderbutwiser I think he feels very conflicted. FIL had really softened in older age. Since I've known him (10 years) he's been very sweet and pleasant to be around.

I think I feel angrier about DH's treatment than him. From what I know he was very selfish and not present. He was very money oriented and absorbed in work. He threw money at him rather than spending any time with him at all.

He will occasionally reflect on him not being the best dad, but he loves him and feel he was always trying to gain his approval.

We saw them at Christmas and although we could tell he'd declined he knew who everyone was and if you didn't know him you wouldn't suspect that he had dementia. It's a shock that he's got to this stage so quickly. He's been assessed as late stage this week.