Is this dementia?

[Meltedcandlewax]

My mother is nearly 88. She lives alone, and is just about to stop driving, after numerous prangs. She and I have never got on, she has never really been a mother to me. Hyper critical, rude, selfish, lacking in empathy. Stupidly, I moved closer to her a few years ago and tried to sort out her affairs which were in an awful mess. I have tried my best to help her with practicalities, but any time spent with her in a social context tends to end up with her making a really hurtful remark, me bursting into tears, leaving early or just trying to ignore her. Months go by when I don't visit because I find her intolerable to be around.

She is very religious, and her life in widowhood has become utterly dominated by her religion and fellow worshippers. She doesn't have any friends as such outside the organisation, so there is no antidote to the extreme and judgemental attitudes which are normalised there. She doesn't see why calling her granddaughter a whore (or words to that effect) etc is not acceptable.

The latest thing is that she has taken against my husband for absolutely no reason. He has always tried to be kind to her. She keeps referring to the 'terrible things' he has done. I think she means a transgression many years ago, which happened once and which I have long since forgiven. At the time she offered me no support at all, just told me it was what i deserved.

I am wondering if she's mentally ill, developing alzheimer's or just losing her marbles. I don't know how to deal with her at all. I am going round to see her to have it out with her at the weekend, but suspect it will end in a huge row and me going completely NC. This has happened before. I find her remarks and behaviour just so unpleasant and upsetting, I can't bear her, but at the same time I worry about her and feel guilty that's she lonely and can't cope with most things these days.

She just sounds like a horrible person. My mum had dementia and is still a nice person (that may change).

I had a relative with dementia and from what you say that I recognise ours had a near miss in the car (that was the first sign, but we didn't recognise dementia at the time) and became more and more agitated, sometimes violent.

Unfortunately if it is dementia/Alzheimer's, she is going to need progressively more support. In the end for our relative that meant finding a care home, as no one was able to cope with 24/7 care that was eventually needed anymore, initially placed there against their will.

Would it be possible to mention your concerns to her GP? When my mother was developing dementia she was very argumentative and wouldn't listen to me. I spoke to her GP and then he diplomatically asked about her memory at an unrelated appointment, this then led to him doing a dementia test and subsequent referral to the memory clinic.

It just sounds like she is nasty and always has been. Just go nc. She has her faith friends who can all rally round, stop putting yourself through this for a woman who treats you badly.

She just sounds like a cow. The prangs are not necessarily dementia some people just lose the ability to judge speed lose spatial awareness and have slower reaction times with no dementia.

Oh Love, this sounds so hard for you.

Honestly it could be, or could be just normal aging. Either way it sounds like you have never really had a close relationship and your mother has always chosen to say things she knows would hurt you, even before this.

In the kindest way, i think you need to step back. She has chosen her church friends, let them to be the ones to step up as much as possible.

Caring for someone with dementia is the hardest, most gut wrenching thing imaginable. It can take over your entire life to the point where you can sacrifice your own mental and physical health. It is hard enough to cope doing this for my own Mum, the only thing that keeps me going is how much i love her, how i cherish the memories of how she was, how much she supported me. I honestly don't think i could do this for someone that i didn't have this kind of love for.

At some point you have to decide how much you are willing to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Especially if this person has given you no support or love in the past.

Firstly sending hugs.

This sounds very like my mother. She has Mixed matter dementia and in her old age has become so religious that she is beyond reason.

She is a catholic and will only watch EWTN
On tv. She was always a stern woman when we grew up and only made decisions based on her religion. I was so afraid of upsetting her growing up.

Now I see it for what it is. It's very difficult when she tells me I'm going
To Hell or I'm a bad parent but I have disassociated. She's just an old woman I have to visit every day to make sure she's safe. End of story.

I think you need to come to an arrangement you can live with. You need to be kind to yourself and look after you and your wee family first and foremost.

Sounds exactly like my mother, cold,critical and judgemental. Totally lacking in empathy or self awareness.

She's 84 now and completely awful to my father in what is a coercive controlling relationship but as a result of obvious memory issues she went though a memory assessment where they stated that she didn't have dementia and her issues are due to alcohol abuse. I have to admit in my whole life I've never seen her rolling round drunk but now makes sense of the amount of time she used to hide away from us and her awful mood swings. She makes a great play of publicly only having 2 glasses of wine publicly but we now know she hides bottles of wine and gin around the house.

Unfortunately as she has refused to give up drinking there's not a lot anyone can do and the mental health service has signed her off their books.

I would say if it's remotely possible do try and get her a memory dementia assessment so you know what the situation is but the truth is some people are just not nice people and there's no 'condition' to be addressed. Before the outcome of her assessment all my friends were saying it was definitely dementia but I said that personality wise she's always been this way. We're not talking about a loving kind mother who has turned in to an aggressive bitch as how she presents now is how she's always been. However now she makes less effort to cover up in front of third parties so more people have witnessed her awfulness.

https://outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/11/17/fog-fear-obligation-guilt

Have a look at this.

I don’t think it’s dementia either, you say very clearly she’s always been a cow and has not been a loving mother to you.

She was once young and abusive and now she is elderly and abusive . Nothing you write of her suggests dementia or mental illness. She more likely than not instead has forms of untreated and untreatable personality disorders.

I went with her to the doctor to have a test about a year and a half ago. She seems very rational some of the time but then at others she will ramble on , unconnected random trains of thought , ridiculous statements. It feels like she is really losing her grip when she’s like that. Her emotional state seems very changeable at times too. When she is nasty and tactless I genuinely don’t think she realises how she comes across. She’s always had a problem with me unfortunately, and it’s like a curtain being pulled back so the whole horror show is exposed when she is behaving badly.

I have stepped away from her, have stopped contacting her or trying to help. It’s just very sad. I do feel guilt about being a ‘bad daughter’ but I can’t cope with her anymore. She has started accusing OH of things and saying he’s not trustworthy. It’s the last straw.

The church can support her. You shouldn't feel guilty in the slightest. You have done your very best to be a good and caring daughter and have received nothing but vitriol and judgement. Her comments about her grandaughter and your OH are unforgiveable.

@Meltedcandlewax totally sympathise with you. My mother sounds very similar to yours. Always somewhat outlandish statements, always criticising people/me - what I wear, look like, how I decorate my home, how I season food. Our brother is now saying she is ‘ill’ now she is in her 80s and quite a handful. He is either deluded or generous in my view. She is simply an even less filtered version of her self. Some of her statements over the years have been ridiculous-but we all just said nothing to keep the peace.

How do you deal with her? It’s just so hard.

@Meltedcandlewax honestly I cannot answer that. I have tried everything. Nothing, and |I mean nothing is ever right. She will argue black is white. I have tried to give her pointers to making her life better but she always knows better. She is now lonely and isolated because she always thinks her choices are better. At the minute I am leaving her to stew in her own juices but the guilt will always get the better of me and I will go back to the flame and try again. It is utterly miserable. When she was my age she was having the time of her life. I live in permanent misery.

Sending solidarity. I know what it mean about going back for more punishment. I live in fear of her dying because there will be no more time to put it right, but I also long for the end of the fallings out and the hurt.

It doesn't sound typical of dementia. Your mother sounds like a nasty person.

She’s always been quite nasty to me in a background sort of way if you see what I mean, but she’s lovely to my siblings and friends. So it’s just me really. Although my Aunt can’t stand her and my brother has recently had enough after she accused him of stealing from her.