Defiant ang angry about general home stuff

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My parents planted treats on their home property when I was small. Now they have grown and they are so so so tall.

It was suggested to me for a number of years by other people like neighbours and my partner that those trees need to be trimmed down. Because they are so tall and they are going beyond electricity cables now too.

I looked into it before and my partner's family does some of the tree surgeon cutting as a side line and a general tree surgeon will not cut them because they are so close to the electricity wires.

We recently had a scare in that there was a storm and a tree fell. It fell outwards but we got lucky in that it didn't fall towards the home. It fell towards the home we would be looking at some roof damage to repair too.

This is a job that needs to be done. My father is gone now. If he was he he would do it and my mother would stay quite and just allow the work to be done.

He's gone.

For a few years any time that I suggested this work, my mother was extremely ignorant and defiant. Even now with a fallen tree in the property, she would rather leave it there and ignore it it gets someone to do it cheaply for her. Like get some sort of a general handyman and manipulate him to do it cheaply.

Even though it's a job for the electricity company because they are touching cables.

I looked online already about this. I can book a call out from the electricity company where they will access the property and the risks and send tree surgeons. However they want account details. I have those details. However I am not the account holder. It is my mother. I don't have power of attorney to able to take this over.

I could book it online with the account details that I have but I am not at home all the time to manage this further. In that if the electricity company turns up to access the damage from the storm and access the trees hitting electricity cables, and then plans to trim the trees down - my mother may become extremely angry to them or to me (more than likely to me).

My mother's comprehension can be low and it appears as if she doesn't understand possible consequences of ignoring this and doesn't care.

On one hand she hates my father's with a passion (her ex) but if she can manipulate him to cut trees for free for her - she is just so happy to use him and his family for free stuff even though their relationship is over a long time. She still relies on him but behind his backs hates every piece of him. But she's happy to use him. She said it to me recently. It would be great if we can get him to cut down that tree in the lawn that fell.

Even thought this is work that isn't for a general handyman because the trees are hitting cables.

This is where I am at right now. She is just so defiant.

How on earth can old parents be so so so hard to deal with? This is work that needs to be done and she's so more than happy just to ignore it.

Honestly I think it's because they have an attitude of 'I'll be dead soon and it will be someone else's problem' if you can afford it I would just go ahead and get it done.

I had something similar before where there was a leak in the kitchen tap that she was ignoring. In the end I had to book a plumber and not tell her and then on the morning of it, I had to make up a story where I got a call and he's in the locality and he's here now. Just to get the work done.

All my mother did was look at the plumber in pure filth and disgust and behave as if he was going to rape her in her kitchen.

This sounds tricky.

I've lived in houses before which have trees that are higher than electricity cables. The electricity people seemed ok with that - we did get them trimmed a few times by tree surgeons but it didn't seem to be a massive risk in itself.

Obviously one of the trees has already fallen - do the others look rotten or weak and likely to fall?

At the end of the day it's not your house and I don't think you can make your mum get them cut down.

Mine is similar. What about saying the electricity people have been in . Touch and they want to come and do the work?

If they are a risk can you not call the electricity company and say she is elderly and doesn't recognise the danger, but if another falls out will take out power lines? Seriously they will send someone to assess from a safety perspective? You don't have to pretend to be the account holder

That's my concern. In that there is one tree already down and maybe others have been weakened by the last storm which was a strong one. I would be concerned maybe trees have been comprimised from it.

I don't know if they are weak and rotten. I don't know what that would look like.

They would be a risk for sure. For several things.

One for falling on our home. Two for taking electricity cables down with them and cutting off our power and power to the neighbours too.

I'm apprehensive telling them that she's elderly and doesn't understand the dangers. I had to do that recently with a different company and it got me nowhere. They really just don't care. They want the account holder to prompt this stuff.

In my experience it's more about declining cognitive function and the desire to remain in control of themselves. If she doesn't seem to understand the consequences it's likely she is struggling in other areas too. One of the earliest ways to cover up this decline is to become very set and determined not to change things, and to remain in firm control of what's going on, it makes them feel safer when they know things are harder than ever before.

I don't want the trees cut down. I would like them to stay for privacy to the house but they do need to be trimmed down.

Tbh I would just get done. My experience with my 93 and 85 year old grannies are - they don't know how to do anything, see everything as a hassle.
If my parents have sorted stuff out, the grannies are grateful after the event and realise how simple some things were to do!

This is 100%. I saw other stuff from her for a few years but I am battling with the GP. There is definitely cognitive dysfunction but it appears as if the GP wants a textbook style of forgetfulness and memory loss before they will consider any referral or help or diagnosis. I have e a list the length of my arm on stuff that's not quite right-ish and every day is different.

There is no doubt in my mind now at this stage that dementia is highly likely but I am getting nowhere regarding a diagnosis. It's all cognitive dysfunction and behavioural and mood stuff. I do have siblings but they all live away and they want to see a little old lady forget her name, it their names or forget where she lives before they may consider my concerns and the same goes for the GP. It looks as the GP wants to see her forgetting how to do daily living tasks before they consider a problem.

Your last sentence is beyond weird and distasteful...

She behaved as if the plumber was there to attack her. She hid up the hall and only appeared to throw a bucket at him and demand that he cleaned the pipes even though he was there to fix a leak.

The same happened when I booked a chimney clean. She is paranoid of workers in the home.

Call the electricity company - explain that she is old and nervous and very reluctant to have anything done. Let them know you believe it’s a matter of public safety and see if they will inspect the trees and force the issue.

Honestly if they ask if you are the account holder just say yes.

Think id be inclined to just arrange for them to be cut and take her out for the day while it's happening... Then wait to see if she noticed when she came back and if she did tell her you had managed to get the ex to do it.

I have her account details and I could book online and they won't know and she won't know that's until someone comes onto the property to asses the trees and the cables.

That's what I would be anxious of to be honest. The aftermath of booking it. When someone appears on the property to assess the situation. If I am there to help and manage the situation, that will be good but if not then I don't know what would happen. I think she would likely just go and ignore any knock at the door. Or if the company sends a letter with a time and date for assessing the situation as per her online request. I don't know. I don't know what will come after booking it online.

I know for a fact that I won't get any cooperation from her if I was to seek the 'go ahead' from her.

This is a good plan and I wish it would be that simple. I don't have anyone to help me and take her out for a day and it's so hard to send her out too. She will only do her own thing when she wants.

I'd go with this. Book it online. Say someone else must have reported it, those concerned neighbours

We’ve just had trees trimmed by a company on behalf of the elec board, previously had a rotten cherry tree dropped. PILs had an apple tree trimmed at the same time (they’re next door) and they took DH’s word for it they had FIL’s permission. In fairness FIL isn’t clueless about this sort of thing. Maybe tell her it’s dangerous and the trimming is free- but repairing future damage to the lines will be very expensive if she refuses trimming. I have no idea if that’s true, but sometimes with olds needs must.

Just had a grocery delivery and I was too ill to take it in but my mother took it in. The topic of conversation from the driver was the tree that fell in the lawn and the tall trees hitting the electricity cables. He mentioned to her the very steps that needs to be done in that you can contact the electriticy company who will do it but they will also likely send you a bill too.

My mother isn't short of money. She had the money and the savings. She just wants to manipulate someone preferably her ex husband to do it for free or much cheaper and that's all it is to it.

I can't imagine it would be much. Maybe 500+600 pounds but I don't know and it would give peace of mind for the next storm in that a tree would be less likely to fall on the house.

I think I will likely take the option above. Just sign up for it using her account and details and if anything is said just claim someone must have reported the trees or something. I don't know.

This will eventually have to be done or the trees will all come tumbling down eventually with storms.

How much was your work?

It cost us nothing. They do it to protect the lines every few years.

eta the elec board has contractors who come round, ask to come into the garden to survey vegetation round the poles and lines. A few weeks later a team come out, chop what needs to go, clear up the mess, and disappear.