Move to Retirement Flat - advice on pros and cons

[Moobathon]

Apologies if this has already been discussed and I missed. Apologies also if the below seems unsensitive - just don't see a way forwards and would be very grateful for any advice / shared experience.

My mother (88) is still in the longterm family home but is starting to find it challenging. It's big and the upkeep is onerous. Also there are many stairs and numerous elements that don't work well (bath hard to access etc). We (at her request) have been investigating retirement flats for the past 5 years - but she doesn't like any that she sees. She goes on about how hard it is to live where she is but any option presented is unacceptable. I sympathise with fear of change (after nearly 50 years) but what can we do if she doesn't like any option - just ignore her?. Have any of you any positive experiences of a move from longterm family home to retirement flat which I can pass on? Or for that matter any positive experience of staying in the family home. I have no personal beef either way - am happy for her to stay put as long as she accepts she's likely to become housebound. And/or happy to find her a retirement flat if she'll accept one. One point is she's increasingly frail and I'm worried of the consequences of a fall. Should I bully her into moving to a flat (appreciate bully's a strong word here but I don't know how else to express it).

My Dad, couple of years younger than your Mum moved into a retirement flat last year. He wanted to move as found the house and garden too much and he felt isolated.
He's much happier there, we were just careful with the management charges.

If you do move don't buy one, rent one. They are so hard to sell on and you will lose a shit ton of money on them. Not only on selling, but also on the management charges etc.... while trying to sell it.

Have you thought about a small bungalow?

I agree that if you're looking for one that is specifically for retirement then the monthly charges are huge. They are also really difficult to sell. There is usually a percentage of the total price to be paid on sale as well.

My PILs moved to one two years ago, now MIL is there on her own after FIL's death. It has been a really positive move - they couldn't cope any more in the family home, now she has lots of support and care available when she needs it, and the social aspect is great as well. I've heard people moan about the high service charge, but honestly it's taken a huge burden off DH's shoulders and is worth every penny IMO!

I also understand it’s older McCarthy & Stone properties, where the leasehold was sold off, where the service charges and sale price conditions make the property prohibitively expensive. Apparently the company have resolved this issue with new builds.

Don't buy new, they depreciate in value significantly. Be sure you understand full lease and service charges which apply. Consider the re-sale value. Think through all the alternatives, eg, what about a middle ground of downsizing to a smaller bungalow/flat with adaptations and paying for care, etc.

At 88, will she cope with all the upheaval of moving and getting rid of the bulk of her possessions? Alternatively, have you looked into the cost of paying for regular help around the house? That would probably be cheaper than the massive fees she'll be charged in any retirement property.

My MIL has been so happy since moving into one 3 years ago. She has friends around her and the complex has a cafe, a regular hairdresser and entertainment evenings among other things. She's 88 now and mobility is slowly decreasing. I don't think she would be able to cope in her old house now and she'd definitely be less independent and a lot lonelier. She was becoming highly reliant on us for all her social needs and with work and kids we don't have that much time.

The move itself was a lot of work but it's been well worth it.

If she does decide to stay at home, there are things you can do to make it more manageable - ask for a local authority assessment to identify mobility/safety measures you/the LA can provide, think about getting an alert button in case of falls, leave a key with a neighbour, get chatting to her neighbours yourself - not to spy on her, but just as it takes a village to raise a child, so it is really really useful to have a village looking out for older members of society.

I would avoid buying, but great if it is a rental. My friend's mum got in a pickle because she could no longer cope in the retirement flat, but wasn't able to sell it to pay for care either. All the while being charged high fees for facilities she couldn't access. They are more supportive living environments, but not care homes.

We moved my mum to a one bed bungalow. It was more expensive to buy than a retirement flat but was freehold so no service charges, and it was easy to sell afterwards. It had a garden which was an absolute for her.

Also, when she had daily carers, she got much more of their time, because they didn't have to navigate a block of flats, just knock on her front door.

My aunt now lives in a flat over a block of garages on an new build estate. Again no service charges & will be easy to sell. We installed a stair lift but otherwise, it works really well.

My Mum moved into one in 2006 - and it was an excellent solution for her. She lived in it for 17 years before she died and was very comfortable and happy. The maintenance fees were expensive though, but it meant she didn't need to worry about so many things.

No problems with selling the flats either. Always sold quickly and sometimes even had a 'waiting list' for people wanting to be told when one came up for sale. 'Hard to sell' did not apply to her development at all. Although her flat was in Scotland, so no ground rent etc. needed to be paid It didn't provide meals or anything like that and occupants had to be capable of 'independent' living - although lots of folks in there, eventually, were having carers in several times a day. It mostly only meant if there was dementia, it wasn't suitable.

I think if you check the maintenance fees etc. carefully it could be a good option for her. Or find one for rent?

My 86 year old DM has just moved into a retirement flat after the death of DF and while the sale of the family home, downsizing possessions and the actual move have been a massive upheaval, it’s been so worth it, especially from the social side.
The flat is in a lively village location with plenty of facilities, bus stops within about 5 mins walk.
I’m not at all concerned by the “hard to sell” comments. These particular flats are very sought after and much more practical for her twilight years.

My mum lives in a retirement flat.

It's been really positive but you do have to be very careful with the lease and service charges. There are different companies and some are better than other.

However, if we were doing it again I think we'd have looked at renting. There are some in the same block that are rented.
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I think you just have to look carefully at each complex. MIL has lived in 2 different retirement flats, both were about 30 years old when she moved in. Both were cheap to buy (£90k) which is basically what they cost as new builds so you don't get any increase in value but they don't seem to depreciate either. Both have had very manageable service charges but limited facilties so a manager on site, a laundry, some social activities in a communal room but nothing like a subsidised restaurant or gym. When she was selling the first one after FIL died to move nearer us it was pretty quick and the block she is in now seems to have 1 or 2 for sale at any given time but most sell within a few months.

Overall it has been a good experience for her to meet others in the a similar position to her. She is near a high street, bus stop and GP surgery.

It is brilliant for us knowing that she is in a suitable home that would not need any adaptations if she physically deteriorates. She is now starting to experience memory loss and it is helpful to know that there are others looking out for her.

My Dad has gone down the route of staying on the family home and paying for adaptations and help with cleaning, gardening. It is working reasonably well but I think it will be harder for him to stay independent in the long run as he is further away and both sets of immediate neighbours are new so there isn't anyone to just pop in.

My mother insisted she needed to move but disliked all the options. She was struggling a little bit cognitively, enough to make finalising a decision almost impossible. It took months and months and months. She would sell her house then pull it off the market again repeatedly. Tbh it was exhausting and we got a bit desperate. We did in hindsight bounce her into finally buying a very expensive retirement flat in the middle of a Cotswold village. She loathed it from day 1 and never settled there. It had some genuine issues tbf to her, and it really was a big chunk of her income on charges. She spent every day planning to move somewhere else, and did go and stay in another town to look, then changed her mind again. Eventually she had a big stroke. At least it sold OK for what she paid for it.

In my mother's case it would have been better to just let her be. It would have been a nightmare when she started to decline seriously as we would have been hours away, but she might actually have fallen and died at home which would have been much better than what actually happened. So if your mum was mine I would say just keep having those moving conversations until she falls or collapses. But your mum isn't mine of course.

What I would let go of is that feeling that there is a good solution. The least bad solution will be one she comes up with herself - I wouldn't think that you can fix extreme old age as you can't.

Fire safety rules are changing every five minutes for flats. Costing £££££ for owners

I've got a positive story about staying in the family home but whilst positive for the parent, I can't pretend it wasn't hard for me. I basically gave up my normal life to move in with them and initially provide things like cooking. Later it became more 'caring' intensive so I needed help and was responsible for organising and paying carers.

All in all it was great for my parent who had a very happy and settled existence and all the benefits of being in their home of decades, someone they loved around them and was very looked after. I got to spend a huge amount of quality time with them towards the end of their life with someone I adored and loved hugely so it was good for me too in many ways. Very challenging though and I can't pretend it was easy.

All said and done, I'm very proud of what I achieved and it was worth it - but this isn't for everyone. Not everyone would be capable of doing what I did - and I mean that in all senses of the word. Capable in the sense of being able practically to move your life and job; in the sense of being willing to do it; in the sense of being physically tough enough; in the sense of being emotionally strong enough and being capable of keeping going through the dark times of isolation when you feel you can't cope. What care for an individual in their home involves will also depend hugely on the care needs of the individual.

A person with higher needs will have a better time if there is money to pay for their need privately. For example, my parent was having regular visits from a physiotherapist to maintain mobility and ensure they werent becoming house bound.

You need to make adaptations as you go and preferrably before they are needed - grab rails by the loo is there space to have a bed downstairs? where will it go?, is there a downstairs loo? can you adapt it to include a wet room/shower? if not, what about a stair lift or a a hole in the floor conveyor type lift? I was very focussed on having really good quality things to make sure it was all in keeping with the style of the home and home life so it didn't look like a hospital loo!

I would avoid retirement flats esp McCarthy & Stone and similar without much much research. Many turn into a type of service charge scam where you can't sell it after the resident dies or moves out (eg into a nursing home) as they dive in value and you have to keep paying or get repossessed. Google for more on this as there are tons of articles on it but here is an example:
https://www.thisismoney.co.uk/money/news/article-10182583/The-retirement-home-scandal-wiping-life-savings.html

If you are set on it, look for ones where the contract restricts this kind of behaviour or ones where there is a long lease and add on functions are optional and clearly costed with no reservations about using outside services.

If she is 88 and still active, I'd probably inclince to support her staying in her home if that's what she wants. I spent too much time worrying about the future and long term future (full of 'what if X happens and then what will we do?) when in fact realistically once you are over 85, you are in the top percentiles of the survivors and (sadly) you are very unlikely to be needing to look at a 10 year plan.

Best wishes for whatever you decide.

Thank you all very much for your helpful responses! This is really very much appreciated

It was the only way we could get them to move tbh. FIL with dementia, MIL not coping. There are no suitable options for the elderly without spending a fortune on these apartments. There was no way they could stay in the family home - miles away from anyone and they were vulnerable.

They moved to a McCarthy Stone flat and its been good for FIL - hospital and doctors surgery within walking distance. Just down the road from us. MIL is now in a dementia care home and FIL can walk to see her every day. They both have dementia so we know all of their money will go on their care which is the way it has to be. They are safe and have everything they need.

I can only talk for my mum’s experience In her retirement home which is a mcarthy stone.
She was there 5 years. First 4 were ok but in the last her health deteriorated, they became ruthless in wanting her out. I was harassed badly with phone calls from them for the last few months of her life. She died 3 weeks ago and I have not had as much as a “sorry to hear that” from her house Mananger. Zero guidance from them on what I do next and I am now responsible for the £220 per month factor fee until it sells. Having to get the grant or confirmations (probate) takes 6-9mth and I am told these flats are hard to resell so it’s not great.

in all though with a decent house manager she was happy there for a few years. With a bad house manager it’s awful. Also my mum was 1st floor but became an amputee during Covid so was wheelchair bound. The lift constantly broke down meaning she couldn’t get to some dialysis apps and they never put in a risk assessment knowing she was dependent on dialysis. They also complained constantly about her wheelchair marking the communal carpets. She was made to feel so uncomfortable. So just bear in mind how they treat you when able bodied can rapidly change should you become more disabled. Again just our experience but it’s been horrid

Sounds like the way you are treated in social housing. DH was told to get rid of his mobility scooter or it would be destroyed.

If they can get away with treating people like this in one sector its obvious the same will happen in other sectors

Sorry for your loss i lost my dad four months ago and its really shit