My dad and his final plans

[shellyleppard]

Sorry if this upsets anyone. My dad is 80, fit as the proverbial fiddle. He's had a lot of health issues the past couple of years. Recently had a mild stroke before Christmas. Now he's making his final plans. Has asked his doctor for a do not resuscitate order. Decluttering his house, getting rid of stuff he doesn't use anymore. On the one hand I'm screaming don't go its too soon. On the other I'm so proud of him for being organised and "getting ready". I don't know where I'm going with this. Hugs to all who have loved ones that are ill x

That’s impressive. But hard for you as it’s real. Can you encourage him to treat himself with as he goes- maybe by selling or offsetting the value of some of the things he declutters? My beloved uncle had a new mattress which made me so happy as it showed he was looking after himself and not worried about money.

I think he sounds very pragmatic and sensible.

@shellyleppard bravo to your dad. Did he experience problems with his own parents with regard to getting organised prior to their final years? Perhaps he is ensuring he minimises extra work for you. I would absolutely applaud him. I am dreading the sorting of our parents home. It is absolutely rammed with ‘stuff’. Mainly clothes in the house - but every cupboard, wardrobe and drawer is brimming with stuff. Garage and storage shed - rammed with storage boxes full of vitamins, cleaning products and toiletries. Kitchen, and it is a large and very fancy ‘bespoke’ one - there must be 200 glasses, two full dinner services-barely used. As for the dining room - huge dresser - another full dinner service - possibly used once a year. 20 of each size crystal glasses from liqueur glasses, champagne flutes, red and white wine glasses, hi ball tumblers. It is ridiculously OTT - they were ordinary people but what they have accumulated makes them look like royalty. The sad thing is when you go to the local charity shop and see the stuff that has been donated like the above mentioned- it’s going for peanuts. Absolute hats off to your Dad - he clearly has your best interests at heart and also is not hanging onto ‘stuff’ he no longer needs.

@BlueLegume thank you for your kind words. I don't envy you and the declutter sessions x i think my dad is just very organised. I'm just sad because I know he's thinking of the end now. His brothers and sisters in laws looked after his mum. But she had a massive stroke and took ages to die. She wanted to go home and the family managed to sort it for her. X

@Lamelie its a good idea but he has so much stuff already.....think he's just trying to get rid of non essentials he doesn't use. For instance he's got six coats.....

Good for him - but also keep in mind he could carry on for like 14 years plus being healthy!

It's so difficult to accept that your DPs are coming to an age when they might die. I too would he so proud of him. So many older people simply stick their heads in the sand and ignore what might happen to them later in life.

Just because he's doing these things now doesn't mean that he's likely to go yet though, sounds like he will carry on, especially if he's also doing things like eating well and some mild exercise

Very sensible.It could be years and years before he passes,but what he is doing now will ultimately help you and the family when the time comes.My dad did similar in his mid 80s and then he died very suddenly in late 80s.( Without a proper will!!! He was just finalising an updated one).As well as an up to date will and you know what is in it, it is also helpful to have a list of all things like utility providers,bank ac details,car registration documents,insurances etc and that you know his funeral wishes.

Gosh- not suggesting more stuff (I don’t count mattress as stuff)
Moreo experiences, meals out or upgrading / redecorating.
You might find reading about Swedish death cleaning interesting.
www.goodhousekeeping.com/home/cleaning/a63299997/i-tried-swedish-death-cleaning/

I think your dad is a very considerate man indeed.

It's awful enough going through your parents stuff when they've gone, but if they've collected tons of stuff it makes it so much harder.

I think that what he's doing is such an act of love towards you.

Dealing with someone's belongings after they've gone is HARD. Think of it as his gift to you.

Good for him - he sounds fantastic, and the rest of us should all do the same.

I admire him, I’m 60 and have some health issues, don’t feel the need to prepare but who knows ! We have recently downsized and did a lot of declutter then I suppose.

one thing my children go on at me about is to catalogue all the valuables. I inherited a lot as did DH some quite valuable and some sentimental ie I have a decanter which the paperwork going with it say purchased in 1727 as a wedding gift for a lady on my grandfather’s side. They want me to take a photo of any item and make a note of its history and if possible value so when they finally have the big job they don’t throw away anything valuable.

its a huge task as some things are put away and forgotten about, only yesterday I was clearing a cupboard out for some old table cloths and found some cushion covers, DH grandfather + + bought them back from somewhere in France in c1850 ? They are hand painted on silk, never used but absolutely beautiful should be framed I suppose.

there is so much stuff some people would say clutter but to us and I like to think my children, so much family history, I have a little tin beaker with the name Beatrix on it, my great grandad made it whilst in the trenches , beating the name with a bullet shell. He drank from it every day until he came home and it lived on their mantle as it now lives on mine.

i suppose I should do it, I just don’t have the courage your father has.

@Floranan oh the mug and the other items with such history sound amazing. I would definitely catalogue them and perhaps ensure the history of them is written down properly. I had a huge declutter around about the lockdown - definitely nothing with lots of sentiment - that was kept - BUT I was pragmatic about some items that had been gifted to me over the years. Jewellery in particular. My daughters identified any pieces they liked and I passed them on when it was appropriate. I had several rings I had inherited from various grandmothers which were not my taste and the fact they had died over 30 years ago I felt ok to have a rethink. My local jeweller used the stones from them and made me a bangle inserting the stones from the rings. It is quite a practical everyday silver bangle so I get to ‘wear’ the stones from the rings. I had an old watch of one of my grandfathers. Turned out it was of some value - one of my sons got it fixed up and sold it for me. We bought a beautiful set of garden furniture which my grandfather would have loved - so again we got something that we have a daily reminder of our loved ones. I do think some people simply cannot let go of things. For me the ‘stuff’ my parents have accumulated and refused to declutter is very much a reflection of how they live their lives - very much about over consumption as if they were desperate for people to see how affluent they were, yet the practical things like maintaining the house, setting up later life wishes, wills etc all got forgotten because in my mothers words ‘we couldn’t face it’. Now they are in a right old mess it is left to us to ‘manage’ things. And it is horrible. I think there is a happy medium between a full on Swedish death clean and a sensible look at what we actually need now. I recently offered a huge paella pan to my adult kids - I am never going to make a paella for 15 again - they ended up squabbling over it so it is currently at one sons house but will be loaned to the others when needed. 🤣

Also a Lasting Power of Attorney.

Applaud that man.
I had a thread yesterday in AIBU, and it could have been ' AIBU I don't know where I'm going with this:'
With every decision he makes now it's hopefully one you don't have to make further down the road. It truly is very kind and it will make your grief more straight forward and your memories clearer.

Does he have a will ?

I came here to second what @cozycat1 has mentioned:

it is also helpful to have a list of all things like utility providers,bank ac details,car registration documents,insurances etc and that you know his funeral wishes.

Our Dad did such a list and it made sorting everything out really straightforward.

Finally if he’s in council housing make yourself aware how soon the council will want the property back and in what condition.

He sounds like a good Dad. He's thinking of his children when he's doing this.

That must be very hard for you to deal with, but he is being brilliant at doing this. A good declutter is never a bad thing.
I’ve recently read a few threads about preparing for the inevitable and this book has been mentioned - excuse the title, but the contents is actually very practical and will be massively useful when the time comes, in terms of having all the relevant information and contact details to hand. Best of luck OP💐‘Death’ book

I’d add an up to date will and lasting powers of attorney will make things easier too.

My DSis and I have the joy of sorting our DM’s house soon. So much stuff and nobody wants any of it.

one thing my children go on at me about is to catalogue all the valuables. I inherited a lot as did DH some quite valuable and some sentimental ie I have a decanter which the paperwork going with it say purchased in 1727 as a wedding gift for a lady on my grandfather’s side. They want me to take a photo of any item and make a note of its history and if possible value so when they finally have the big job they don’t throw away anything valuable. that’s a good idea, I’ve done a spreadsheet with everything valuable and everything of sentimental value, so they know what they’re chucking away.

Re extra dinner services - having a “best” dinner service instantly turns a meal into a celebration, and as you get older, celebrations at home take on a greater importance.

Also, if you have a dishwasher, it saves a lot of work, but you need enough crockery to fill it.

One thing I would say to people is, by all means keep things for “best”, but make sure “best” happens several times a year - not just Christmas but birthdays, pancake day, solstices. And if you have a sideboard full of tablecloths, as I have, then use them! Or if it’s too much ironing, let someone else use them.

The Life Book from Age UK is great for this. It's a good way to have what can be challenging discussions with a parent.

www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/money-legal/end-of-life-planning/lifebook/

He’s a good man. Decluttering your life is useful at any stage.

Good for him!

Having recently had the 'what's what' talk with my mum, and my stepdad dying last year, I'd recommend: will, LPA, any funeral wishes, list of accounts and passwords, DNR and an Advamce Directive (DNR only covers CPR, the advance directive has a whole set of if-thens for future medical treatments).

Not long before he died, my dad said his one regret was that he'd 'not spent more money on lobster and Champagne' (I don't think he'd ever spent any money on lobster and Champagne). So I agree with the suggestion of encouraging him to treat himself.

Hard as it is to accept, I would gently suggest that there will eventually come a time when you will be relieved he did this.

I know what you mean about them facing and making plans for the end. My Dad died almost 4 years ago leaving my now 89 year old mother alone. I visit her for several days a month which I do enjoy, she also has carers. Sometimes when I am there she even pipes up about what type of funeral she thinks she should have (direct cremation). She also has a DNR order in place, as did my Dad. It's all uncomfortable to hear, but necessary.

My parents did a massive declutter over 10 years ago now. What they called "the 40 year declutter" because that was how long they had lived in their bungalow at that stage. It's the house my sister and I grew up in and my mother is still there. I am glad they did it.

My mother has COPD too and isn't particularly mobile. We do enjoy going out for lunches and we get her shopping done. I can't rid myself of the feeling of being on borrowed time for now, so I just say enjoy their company while you can, as I am trying to do.

I do know what you mean though. It's a hard transition.