Letting the wider family know

[DrFoxtrot]

My elderly relative has just died after several weeks in hospital and I am next of kin. I am absolutely exhausted and the worst thing is feeling that I have to update everyone regularly. I'm probably over tired but I just want everyone to piss off and leave me alone.

In the middle of texting everyone the latest update, people are then phoning me straight after receiving the text, even though I have other people I'm in the middle of texting. It's lovely people want to check in but I'm completely done with being the family spokesperson. If I wanted a chat, I would call. These are not immediate family but people who do need to know, my friends/ work etc.

Any tips on how to tell people to back off nicely without me coming across as unhinged when I just want to scream at people to leave me alone?

Add onto the end of the text message, I really don't want to talk right now, will speak when I'm able.

And I'm sorry for your loss, it's a tough time. Look after yourself x

Sorry for your loss.
Put your phone on do not disturb. You can still send messages but calls won't get through to you.

It's perfectly understandable you don't want to talk

What sort of updates are people expecting if they know elderly relative has died ? friends I would just say - thank you , can you give me a while , a lot to do , work similar unless you are taking time off in which case agree the time off and they should leave you alone as well.

Thanks for the advice ❤️ I need to be able to receive calls from the hospital, etc. Complicating matters is that another close relative is in hospital too.

I think I need sleep badly!

Updates like how my other relative is doing, I should have mentioned in my first post but my brain has disappeared. What funeral arrangements there might be. Is there anything we can do? Over and over.

I think it's been worse as I've had six weeks of health/ hospital updates to give, sometimes to people who couldn't be arsed to visit themselves. I feel like I'm carrying the whole family.

This.

Hi all, I'm really sad to announce X passed away and Y is still in the hospital. As you can appreciate I am incredibly exhausted so I'm not open to taking any phone calls right now, but if you'd like to speak please drop me a message and when I am up to it I will call you back"

Thanks, I feel like I don't ever want to call them back 😂. Has anyone else ever felt like this is the worst aspect of unwell and dying family members? I think I'm doing ok grief wise, although maybe this is anger coming out.

I am going to start replying to say I need rest and I'm not taking calls now.

Can you set up a group WhatsApp so you only have to post updates once to them all together?

Can you stick them all in a group WhatsApp (well not your work obviously) where you can post updates re other relative, funeral etc? You could even set it so only you as admin can send messages. Although actually I think I'd let people reply to the group because then you can mute all their replies in one place and review as and when you feel up to it.

When you send a message make it politely clear that you're feeling quite overwhelmed and have a lot to juggle so aren't in a position to chat on the phone at the moment.

We have an immediate family group, there's a slightly estranged sibling not in it and then other family who need differing levels of info. I am copy and pasting updates and tweaking to make it suitable for each group of people.

And while I'm sending the messages, they're trying to call or replying with more 'how are you coping' messages.

I think I just need a massive moan about it but I am definitely going to be more firm about not answering calls and letting people know I'm not up for speaking.

Dr Foxtrot - I can understand this is stressful - could you ask them to email and say you will reply as and when feeling more up to it. ( I find emails less intrusive than phone calls - personal thing )

So sorry for your loss.

I would text “thank you, everyone, for your messages and concern. Loved One would be so touched.

Having been with Loved One during this very difficult time, I need to step back now to process our experience. Love to you all”

We had a situation like this a few years ago. We dealt with it by adding all relatives and friends to one WhatsApp group. I updated the group when there was news, but I had notifications muted. They could all chat on there amongst themselves, but I wasn't interrupted by it all the time. I would look at it when I felt I could. It really took the pressure off.

Sorry for your loss
when the next person asks if there’s anything they can do say “yes”. Please can you tell everyone I’m exhausted and will update when ready
can you use Facebook to tell everyone the funeral details ?

Or get one person to act as relay / liaison. Tell them everything & ask them to be responsible for passing it all on, with all the necessary nuances.

I'm sorry for your loss. It's quite ok to feel like this.

Don't be afraid to say something along the lines of:

I know you are also concerned about Betty, when there is any more news, I will let you know.

Similarly as you can imagine, there's a lot I need to organise so forgive me for not being able to talk 1:1 just now. As soon as funeral arrangements are confirmed, I will tell you.

OR if there's anyone suitable, just get them to make the calls and field the questions. That's also quite ok.

Thanks all, you are helping me to think about this more clearly while I'm feeling overwhelmed.

People can be very thoughtless OP. I remember coming home on the day my Dad passed away and after 5 months of the most horrendous and exhausting cancer journey he had, I just wanted to crawl into a hole and stay there. Family I've not spoken to for years were phoning me and asking about funeral details. In the end, DH took my phone off me and fielded the rest of the calls.

I'm sorry for your loss - look after yourself

So sorry for your loss.

I found email useful for this. Stick them all in an email group (maybe use bcc if they wouldn't already know each others' email addresses).

Use it to broadcast details of the funeral. Include with that any help that is needed. Write down anything that comes into your head that you do need help with in a notebook then have it there if there's an offer. That means you're not frantically trying to remember.

Delegate as much as possible.

Don't feel obliged to respond to every message.

And you can set phones up so that only certain calls get through. I'm not totally sure if that works with the hospital number but it is very useful!

I’ve found that everyone is using the “dad has died” call to tell me about their own problems! Up to 60mins per call. Luckily he passed away quickly, so I’m not exhausted and can let them talk if they want. Even when I’ve told them by letter, or they’ve heard from another relative, they still ring to “offer condolences” and tell me about their problems. We’re also under no time pressure because we haven’t yet received the necessary paperwork to register the death or arrange the funeral. If I were still working or had young kids or another elderly parent I wouldn’t be so charitable! So for me it’s not “the worst aspect”, just an amusing and totally unexpected aspect.

Thanks all and I'm sorry for others who have had a recent bereavement too.

It is happening less, thankfully, after replying to messages to explain that I'm exhausted as well as busy with arrangements and my other unwell relative.

However, some people are still sending messages asking questions about things that I'd need a crystal ball for 😂 give me strength. Mainly about ill relative and what will happen next 🙈 I don't bloody know because we're not in next week yet.