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Elderly parents

Live in carer

11 replies

doitwithlove · 27/01/2025 20:17

Has anyone got any experience of live in carers!

MIL is 90yrs old, she has gone very downhill since Dec 24, she came home today after her second hospital stay.

Very frail, mobility is not good. she lives alone since losing her DH in August 2024. she has COPD which has caused the hospital stays due to a chest infection and pneumonia. Her breathing is not great.

She has carers three times a day, this does not seem enough now.

I have reached out to a couple of live in carer agencies. She lives in London. SW16 postcode

Any help would be appreciated.

OP posts:
MysterOfwomanY · 27/01/2025 22:26

... Briefly.

Last year one of a frail elderly relative couple had a sudden health downturn and in a panic hired a live-in carer for the two of them.
The sick one then went into hospital and passed away. The survivor, while frail and having her own medical problems, then found herself sharing her house with a stranger 1/3 her age, from a different culture, with a very different personality...

The carer went back and 4x care visits a day (arranged privately) came in, and harmony was restored.

Crucially, a variety of carers visit, so the opportunities for driving each other bonkers are much reduced, and if one really annoys her she can ask for someone else quite easily.

What do you think your DM's care needs are? Is she still cognitively okay?

EmotionalBlackmail · 27/01/2025 22:49

It's very situation dependent. A friend has live-in care and it's varied between being amazing and really bad. Bear in mind that no one (paid!) can be asked to work 24/7 so they're entitled to a clear 24 hours off a week and time off each day when other carers would need to cover. They can also only do very limited night care - the expectation is that they'd be able to sleep all night. They come for three months, then are replaced by another one, so constant need to train new ones up. Although sometimes the same one comes for more than one block of 3 months.

As a PP said there can be cultural differences. Cooking skills and expectations around meals can vary hugely, especially if the age gap is really big or there are cultural differences at play. Same for things like laundry if there are delicate items.

It's harder to get one who can drive, which limits the number who can apply.

The carer would expect their own bedroom with a proper bed, decent bathroom facilities, space for relaxing when they're not caring or asleep.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/01/2025 08:48

My father looked at live in carers for his late mother. The cost was prohibitive in the long run.

I would start looking at care homes asap for your mother.

Sittingontheporch · 28/01/2025 11:35

Through an agency (Home Instead) we got a live-in carer, primarily for my father. The agency insisted they only do two weeks at a time so it was disruptive. The range was enormous - there was one who went AWOL in the night and had clearly gone clubbing and lied about it. It was enormouslky expensive (2k a week - the price having gone up by about 20% within six months).

Then my father's needs were such that he needed an additional carer in the morning and evening but they had to come for a minimum of an hour. Then the live-in carer's breaks needed to be extended as he'd wake in the night so it got to the point that we had two live-in carers, especially since my mother was leaning into having everything done for her.

Obv this was EXHORBITANT - in addition to all the costs of the house. It was also very disruptive and there was constant beef between the carers and the agency that we'd get sucked into. And we were lucky in that my parents were extremely courteous and polite, with a very nice house in the centre of one of UK's nicest cities, so it was quite the hot ticket for the carers.

My father died about six months after the hiring of the second one. We dropped down to one live-in carer - I don't think my mother would have needed this if we'd been starting from scratch but she'd become accustomed. In fact, she was furious about us getting rid of the second one. She really took to the life of a dowager duchess with servants. She has dementia.

One carer was way better than the others - able to organise things like fixing the washing machine, getting the GP, getting the dog to the vet etc. She was saying she was leaving the country and we just knew we couldn't manage at a distance with one of the other carers (who'd ring up to say things like the Sky dish wasn't working without even turning it off and on). OMG the constant issues with the online supermarket account.

Sorry this is very long and I'm not sure of my point. Other people I know have found carers who they pay directly (much cheaper) and have done it for years and it's been fine. We found it untenable for much longer than as an emergency measure in my father's dying months. The goalposts are always shifting and from our, possibly selfish, point of view, it has been much more straightforward now my mother is in care home in our city. We visit much more as our time isn't taken up with all the other admin.

To be blunt, I think it depends on how long you think your MIL has left. Less than a year, yes muddle through with live-in carers. More than that, a move to a care home would be better.

Otismilburn · 28/04/2025 07:46

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Mydoglovescheese · 30/04/2025 08:43

I think you need to seriously look at the costs. A friend had live in carers 24/7 and it was £8k a month. For this amount she could have been in the most luxurious care home in our area and not have had the costs of maintaining a home, food etc.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 30/04/2025 11:00

We looked at this.... South West UK... Agency wanted 1700 weekly... No choice of who they sent. So capacity for people my dad couldn't communicate effectively with!

Local excellently rated home 1300...and that obvs included food/activities and crucially a range of staff!

HannahfromLottie · 29/07/2025 16:58

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SockFluffInTheBath · 30/07/2025 17:03

MIL’s doesn’t include waking nights, and costs £950pw (not London).

PermanentTemporary · 30/07/2025 17:46

Dp’s mum had a live in carer for 3 weeks. Went from ‘it’s like having a granddaughter’ and watching movies together to total frosted relations and referring to ‘that woman’ within 7 days. It’s an absolute gamble. Tbh I felt sorry for the carer if I’m honest, it can’t have been much fun.

Having said that, in your mums case I would try it just because she may not have very much longer (sorry) and going into a home would be some upheaval. But I would use the time to look at homes too.

Lushvegetation · 30/07/2025 23:15

My FIL had one and he hated it. Shortly after his beloved wife died he had this strange woman move in who was there all day every day. I don’t know what it cost but it must have been a LOT. Arranged by his son who hated him. He would have been better with carers coming in or a good residential care home.

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