I have an elderly DM and much older (than me) DP. It is only in my mid 40s that I recognised my style of attachement and all the problems it brought to my life.(Someone on 'stately homes' thread recommended some very good books on codependency and toxic mothers and I found it helpful which resulted coming on here with this post.) I am the only child and come from a middle class background, high expectations towards my high education but also a lot of pressure and control as a child and teenager.
A bit convoluted story but I will explain. I have been married before and now in long term relationship but it is very toxic and my DP is constanly pushing me towards decisions I do not feel comfortable about (like areas to move, size of property we live in, finances) he controls everything, he admits he likes control. We are not married and this also makes me very vunerable long term. He does not want to marry me because it will affect inheritance for his DC. What he is saying is he does not want me to benefit in any way but wants me to be with him in a relationship.
(The controling bit reminds me of how my parents were when I was living at home.) I am naturally a pacifier and a doormat. I do not earn a lot, in fact very little because my DP likes when a woman is there to serve him, his attitude really affected my self esteem and I am struggling. I was a very independant woman when I was married, I was running my own business and my exH was also a very upbeat positive man. (We've divorced over something not relevant to this post.) DP works and earns very good money and expects all to be done for him because my job is little money so less value to him. My elderly DM is of an opinion I shoudl leave. I agree but I have nowhere to go. I work on a self employed basis as that industry only offers that option. Part of me made this choice beacuse of elderly DM as in case she needs help (she lives 800 miles away) I can adjust my work. When I spend time with my DM she puts pressure on me to leave DP but when I ask her 'and then what? what am I going to do with all the stuff, how am I going to afford a place, if I change work and go onto FT employment I will not have flexibility to look after you if needed' (although she is ok with her health, she did broke her leg few months ago and was immobile). (Before anyone asks - no I can not live with my DM due to location and space.) She gets irritated because she can not control my decisions and she puts me down with all sorts of comments. I then regret sharing with her anything. There have been ocassions where if something didn't go her way she would say things like 'I am not surprised he treats you badly, you deserve it' then next day she is on my side. My DP does exactly the same, he uses my DM in arguments to impose the imbalance and confuse me. It all results in me living torn between two people who I think exibit toxic behaviour, they both want to control me and have me doing things their way. My DM would say she knows me better than anyone else yet I think she doesnt know me at all. She used to make comments about my childlessness yet completely blanks the fact that as parents they even tried to control my martal choices at the time. Literally everything in my life circulates around control.
I am considering therapy despite low income to gain some direction and confirmation that what I feel and think is right. I am so confused because of them. I never feel either of them is on my side. It is always about trying not to offend them, say the right things even to the detriment of my own wellbeing.
As I mentioned above, the books really helped me to recognise the patterns but I am still stuck in this and desperately want out. My mother can be very intrusive with her questions, for example asking me to detail my long term life plans because she needs to know as I am being really vague in her opinion and that only makes her anxious I will never leave my DP. I am thinking I am 46, surely I do not need to share my life plans with anyone. This then instantly takes me back to my childhood and teenager years. My DM used to control what I wear, what I eat, all high school I could not have a BF, could not be vegetarian, i was under this obsessed scrutiny yet I left home at 21 and went NC for 8 years as it was unbearable. I even remember being called at school into a meeting with Head Teacher end of our education and told to move out asap to uni and then start work. I did that and felt free and capable. Only later in life due to set backs, divorce, health I feel like I am back in that trap. Just now I am traped between DM, DP and my fears. The latter mostly around - what will I do if DM needs permanent help (she will not go to a carehome and atm she is still in good shape)? My other fear - will I cope financially? What I really want from this post is - perhaps there are others trapped like me (in your own fear and with people that control you) - how do you cope? did you get out? how would you get out?