Power of attorney, family paperwork and other options for our DC

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This might seem a bit strange, but posting in this section seems to be the best place to get appropriate advice. Apologies for the lengthy post!

The “Elderly Parents” in this case are me and DH! We are in our late 60s/early 70s and both have multiple disabilities/serious illnesses. On top of all this, I had a stroke some years ago and fortunately recovered most of my faculties. DH’s issues are mainly physical but I have noticed that his mental capacity seems to be changing as he ages. We have two adult DC: DC1 with disabilities and lives with us, DC2 lives away from home.

In our home (me, DH and DC1) I am the most computer literate person. DH has no ICT skills at all and won’t use even a mobile phone, DC1 has moderate skills, and DC2 pretty high level skills (so can help when visiting). I have been keeping all of our digital info organised across our various devices for many years using a laptop, but mainly on my iPad because I am in bed most of the time.

I am currently trying really hard to organise all of our digital info in a sensible way and to create a system of backups too using cloud storage and an external hard drive. DH is also going through all of the family paperwork, throwing out rubbish and filing things that we need to keep. When DC2 next comes over for a few days, we are planning to go through everything together so that they know where it all is stored.

So our dilemma is that DH and I are reaching ages where just about anything could happen suddenly and then our DC would have to sort things out. There is very little support available from the wider family. For instance, if I were to have another stroke, a really bad one, basically it could leave the DC in the proverbial 💩.

Could anyone give me any advice on this, please?

1. Do we need to put things in place such as Power of Attorney, or any other legal means?
2. Our DC are trustworthy so should we give (DC2 in particular) all of our passwords?
3. I have thought of backup files being downloaded from the laptop and iPad to an external hard drive so that DC2 can access them: would this be a good idea?
4. Should I scan important paperwork onto the laptop and then export these to cloud storage or the external hard drive?

I am sure that there are loads of other issues to consider, but my brain is now overloaded. Your advice would be invaluable. I suppose I am trying to create a sense of security for me and my family by doing this because I am terrified about the future.

TIA

1. Absolutely, someone will need PoA if for any reason you become incapacitated and cannot handle your own financial affairs (a finance & property PoA) or make medical decisions (health and welfare Poa). They donlt have to be activated until they are needed, but best to get them in place now, as if you lose capacity it will be too late and it can leave things in limbo for many months.
2. It depends on what passwords you are talking about. When my brother died it was handy to have access to his laptop, e-mail account and social media (Facebook etc) but technically I was probably breaking at least some T&Cs by using them. Certainly banks wouldn't want you sharing passwords and doing so leaves you vulnerable if you ever needed to claim for fraud etc . Get the PoAs in place and the person with Poa will be able to contact the institutions and arrange their own access to any accounts they need.
3. Taking an external backup of computer data is always a good idea, for your own benefit if the computer dies as well as allowing others easier access.
4. I have no strong opinions either way on this one. Personally I tend to go with the electronic copies, as the majority of my bills, medical communications etc are now received electronically so it is less work to scan the few bits of paper I get than to print out the paperless stuff. Whichever you go with, I'd say just make sure things are easy to find and identify, using either virtual or physical folders.

You need an “in case of emergency” file. Have it with your will / power of attorney / where to find bank accounts / passwords etc and tell DC2 where it is.

Also make sure that the plan for DC1 is clear. Can they live independently? If not, that might be the significantly bigger issue.

Definitely POA.

And yes to passwords.

Personally I like proper paperwork (ie on paper) but appreciate that isn't the modern way.

Good to go through your filing system whether online or paper. My Mum has a very thorough paper system but sometimes things are filed under strange headings.

Get power of attorney set up, that's the number one priority. There's lots of useful information here https://www.ageuk.org.uk/siteassets/documents/information-guides/ageukig21powerssofattorneyyinf.pdf.

Pull together a list of any financial accounts you have. One of the absolute best and most useful things you can do is streamline these and have them with as few providers as possible, as actually applying POA on someones account is a time consuming process and I found it easier to try and do in person at the bank/building society.

Try and make as many of your household bills paid by direct debit through your main bank. That's a bit of a worry for me as DPs do most of them manually.

When it comes down to it, there probably isn't loads of paper work that absolutely needs to be kept. I think the more important conversations are around DC1 and your plans for the future for them and what levels of care you're willing to accept and when/if you would want to go into a care home if needed.

Also please be careful that you're not overwhelming DC2 with all this stuff every time they come to visit. It's good to be organised and planned but as an only DC it can be a bit too much when DM insists on running through the folder every time I arrive. Get the POA sorted as a matter of priority as that's the main key for unlocking things and a good friend said it's worth getting it sorted before it's needed.

Also when all the technical stuff is done think about an Advance Decision for your health preferences in the future.

We have a book with things like our electric supplier, insurance, pensions, death in service, work contacts, car stuff, bits like that. Also our will. So I would do those in along with a who to contact list if you pass away, so great aunt betty etc. we also have passwords. We have not done poa but will when we update our will this year. We are only in our 50's!!!

Thanks to all of you! I am very tired at the moment, but will read through all of your posts when my mind is a bit sharper (having issues today). I am so grateful for your help.

Do you have wills? You and your husband both need these, as well as powers of attorney. Important to set out who gets what and in what order.

It would be sensible for your children to also sort out wills and powers of attorney as the unexpected can hit anyone at any time.

Do any of the DC have access to your bank accounts? I have third party access to mum's which allows me to do a lot for her and gives me my own card. This was particularly handy when she couldn't return home until a stairlift was fitted.

if you are uncomfortable with that, you may be able to get a second cardholder with a limit attached to what they can spend. It helps as well with shopping for you etc

PofA - I have it but the bank thing is much quicker. PofA applications are probably taking months at the mo.

nice to see a parent offering to sort this stuff without waiting for a crisis.

POA is sensible for anyone of any age, without it a difficult situation can become impossible. Without it, the office of the public guardian gets involved, and that is months and months where your DC wouldn't be able to access your bank accounts for example.
If there is only your one DC capable of being your attorney, I’d suggest having your solicitor or other professional as a second attorney if there’s not another family member who can be the “spare” in case of your DC becoming unable to carry out your wishes (unlikely)
from memory, you can set it up so the first attorney can act alone or that both need to agree/sign stuff.
There are two types, financial and health and welfare. I’d say do both, but the financial one is the most important.

Make a Will, doesn’t have to be expensive.
Helps tremendously if you write down/make known any express wishes - would you want to be treated for every ailment big and small if you lose capacity? Antibiotics if you get dementia? In my experience medical professionals generally make the decisions but it doesn’t hurt to make your wishes known.
Do you want to be buried, cremated, general funeral wishes all help to make a bereavement easier.

Make a list of financial accounts, pensions, insurance, utility suppliers, general admin stuff!

Write on the back of photos who people are/occasion/dates - we've boxes of old photos but no idea who half of them are!

You’re doing a good thing trying to sort things so it’s (one day far away!) easier for your DC.

It's great you are doing this. We all should really!

As others have said POA is vital. Get both financial and health in place asap.

A list of all bank accounts, how to find your wills, and the details of your utilities suppliers.

Other things you might think about:

Set up a prepaid card that can have money moved over from your bank account. If eventually carers are coming in to do your shopping etc then this is an easy way for them to pay while keeping your bank accounts safely protected and ringfenced.
Prepaid cards: best UK offers for 2025 - MoneySavingExpert

Details of eg your opticians or whoever supplied your hearing aid. Helpful to know where your records are held.

Put together one of those online photo albums like Snapfish or similar with photos of you from all periods of your life. One of your life and one of your husband's life. It's super useful when the time comes if family want to have a slideshow or album of you at a funeral. And you get to choose all your most flattering photos. 😁

Yes to POA
Can you set up a shared google Drive for the family for scanned documents?
My Mum also had a "black box" full of actual papers too
Sharing passwords might not be a great idea, not suggesting that your DC would abuse it but it is probably against the banks rules/guidelines

Make a list of financial accounts, pensions, insurance, utility suppliers, general admin stuff!

And have a joint account for household expenses.
In fact make as many of the household accounts (internet, water, energy...) joint so all/any of you can ring up and deal with them.

Don't be like my relatives, a married couple who paid the household bills from the wife's current account. Until she started to have health issues, when the husband transferred the direct debits over to his account.
... Guess who then passed away? Leaving his wife to phone the energy supplier, the internet supplier, the phone company, the water company, etc etc etc etc and have all the accounts transferred over...yay.
If they'd had a joint account she would have just had to get an account balance the day he died and to eventually tell the bank about it. DDs and standing orders would still all work.

Just coming back to answer this quickly…

We have always had everything in joint names and are completely open about all finances. I agree with you!

I will answer some other points tomorrow, hoping that I feel a bit stronger. Thanks to you all.

OP, hope you feeling a bit more energetic today.
My friend's DM was a raging alcoholic, but bless her, she had a folder in her wardrobe called, The Death Book, with everything my friend and her sister needed to know.
If you only ever do one thing, then POA is that thing. My DF died accidentally when DM was under section with advanced dementia, and so we had to apply to the Courts to get Guardianship. It was protracted and painful .
You haven't asked about possessions - but there is an amazing book called The Swedish Art of Death Cleaning by Marguerita Magnussen which enables you to let go of clutter and stuff. I started reading it in my 50s and acting on it, so it's not meant only for late stage life.