Dealing with elderly DM who flies off the handle

[inchargeofnothing]

I am looking for some advice on how to deal with my elderly DM 92. I think she was relatively normal when younger bug it's so long ago I can't really recall. I know that for the last 20 years she has become less and less reasonable and unable to regulate her emotions.
Whenever (mostly just me) but to a lesser extent my DDs too say anything she deems to be disagreeing with her, she starts swearing and shouting and then puts the phone down. These are not highly emotional or contentious subjects that would seem likely to cause a row.
I will give you two of the most recent examples.

1. Put the phone down on me because I said in modern dating/ relationships it's common to pay 50-50. She thinks men should pay for everything.
2. Mum purchased what I think must be a scratch card but doesn't seem to know what it is. I suggested there would be instructions on the back. Again phone slammed down.

What am I meant to do? Sometimes I can't even see it coming and try to deflect.

Just agree with her as much as you can. It doesn't matter if you lie a bit. As long as it's not about something dangerous.

Do you think she has some dementia? Or mild cognitive impairment?

That might be why she responds aggressively.

I think the scratch card may well have been that the print would be so small but she couldn't read it and she couldn't understand what she had to do and she felt a bit overwhelmed and lashed out. No idea why you were arguing about who pays for what on a date! My mother was always more likely to believe me if I said someone else had said that rather than I thought it.

DM has developed a dislike of DD's bf who she hasn't met. One of her reasons for this is that they take turns paying when they go out, I was trying to say this was quite normal and not a sign he is some kind of golddigger!
I'm not even sure it was a scratch card although I can't think what else it could be.

I'd just let her chunter and say 'oh maybe' 'well times have changed and maybe not for the better' ec etc. Don't take it too much to heart.

Has she had a health check recently? My Nan got like this and turned out she was suffering with pain that had come on gradually and she was just putting up with it and it was making her massively short tempered.

I was thinking something similar. Obviously I might be barking up the wrong tree, but aggressive behaviour can often suggest a neurological issue - it might be worth going to the doctor with her?

Your 2 examples don't sound so bad
Scratch cards can be frustrating and I always let my dates pay ( married for years now )

Just humour her and make a big fuss now and again.

I think it's the fact she gets so frustrated and worked up about such insignificant things is the concern

When you're round there, so, face to face,
"Mum is there anything I can help with? I get that (scratch cards or whatever) are very poorly laid out, but you never used to put the phone down on me. This isn't like you" (lie a bit here if needed) "I am worried you're in pain or unwell".
Or some such. Pick a moment when you feel up to delivering something like this with a straight face rather than strangling here or crying:/

And then (possibly with some difficulty!) zip it and see what she says. Remember your official line is that you COMPLETELY GET her outrage at (the many things) but you are deeply concerned.

Hopefully either she'll say something illuminating, or, at least, rein in the frustrated phone slamming a little. But pre-plan a little treat to console yourself in case you get neither.

It doesn't sound as if you need to do anything? Let her slam the phone down and go on with your day. If she's reacting like this she is unlikely to have a rational conversation about it, or be able to stop doing it. I know it is sad but I don't think it is something you can fix.

Mine tried this one on. She's always presented one side (a very nice sweet old lady) to most people and lashes out at those who are closest, but got worse as she got older. Is that likely with yours or could it be something like pain causing the reaction?

How do you react if she slams the phone down? Mine didn't get the reaction she wanted - a call straight back, apologies, acknowledgement she was right, lots of fuss - so she stopped doing it. I saw it as being let off the hook with the early end to a call, so didn't bother calling back, just rang later in the week.

But I also don't supply mine with information she can use. So use grey rock. Why does she even know your DD and partner take turns to pay for going out?

It does sound like a cognitive issue. I would try not to take it personally and keep conversations as bland as you can. When you see her in person check that she is still managing to look after herself ok.

If she's 92 it's likely she has some mild cognitive impairment at the very least, and possibly dementia.

How is she coping with life in general - when you visit her, are she and the house tidy and clean, is the fridge stocked with (in date) food?

As to what you can do about it - very little, except check she's able to keep herself safe and fed and watered.

It does sound like the start of cognitive problems where she is unable to deal with any new information or solve problems such as how to use the scratch card.

Hi op they get overwhelmed at that age mine is 83.. i come home worn out.