His mum is different now and I don't know what to say.

[Jewelanemone]

DH and I live with his elderly mum (85). Her health has been deteriorating gradually over the last year, after a bout of covid. In early December she developed a tooth abscess which led to a bad infection. Antibiotics gave her bad diarrhea and the situation went downhill rapidly. Early on Christmas morning we called an ambulance and it transpired that she had had a reasonably minor stroke. She's still in hospital having physio and speech therapy etc.

My problem is that my husband is mourning the person she was before this all happened. She was a lively lady with a wicked sense of humour. Now, the spark has gone. Last night he was very upset, saying he just wants his mum back how she was before all this. I know, and he knows deep down, that it's highly unlikely that she will be the same again.

What do I say to him? 😕 I've tried saying she's still his mum, she loves him and he needs to be strong for her. But how can I comfort him? Practically, he's sourced financial help for her and has been researching stair lifts etc, it's emotionally that he's struggling. (His brother and sister in law live very close by and have been amazing, sharing the visits and being very involved with discussions on how to move forward.)

Thank you for reading.

I think I’d just give him a hug. There’s not really anything you can say that’ll make it better.

You sound kind. But I don’t think you can “fix” his feelings. Just be there for him, he will be grieving at his own pace, and it’s a really difficult time for you all. All you can both do is feel that you’re doing what you can for her.

Thank you both. I hug him when he's upset and you're right, there's not much else I can do except be there for him.

If I'm honest, he probably doesn't expect me to say anything. He's an intelligent man, he knows the situation isn't going to suddenly improve dramatically. We just have to take it one day at a time.

oh I am so sorry. This is so hard. It makes me feel quite weepy actually the thought of your DH having such love and kindness for his mum and you being right there alongside him. This kind of love and care within a family seems so rare these days. As above I think all you can do is hold him and tell him you understand and empathise. He knows deep down that there is in all likelihood no coming back. He just needs to grieve for the mum he has lost and get on with caring for the mum he has now. And he will, it just takes time.
I know it will be the same for my DH and I am dreading it.

It’s tough. Not quite the same but my dad is in advanced dementia and I mourn the witty, clever and brilliant person he was. Every day. There isn’t really much anyone can say, just be there for him and support him in his supporting his mum. Sounds like you’re doing a great job doing that anyway.

You're all being so kind ❤️

I'm not a medical person but it's early days yet. Recovery could take a while

I agree with the other commenters - my mum (much younger) has also had a life-changing medical issue diagnosed in the last couple of years and my partner has been great but all that's actually meant is a) lots of hugs b) not invalidating my fears/upset about her not being as mobile, the fact that she won't be able to be an active grandma if and when we have kids and c) insisting we left his birthday experience thing early when I started crying out of nowhere (it was only a day or two after I found out!)

He can't fix it. Nobody can fix it, your husband just needs time and love and quite possibly space to come to terms with it depending on his personality.

I still have moment where I "remember" and am absolutely horrified at how much she's changed. But it's a lot less regularly.

He will be grateful you knew her "before". My now husband met her once before her health started going downhill and I'm incredibly glad he understands when I talk about before/after. That first meeting we did a 5 mile walk through woods and a pub lunch. Now she can't leave the house without sticks. I'm glad he knew her before.

This is essentially a bereavement before death. So perhaps treat a bit as you would that. So not trying to jolly him out of it, not saying “well at least you still have her here” or whatever.

On a practical level have you worked through what her care needs are and how they can be met? It can be v hard when parents suddenly need personal care.

Yes, we've all discussed what will probably need to be put in place. My husband and his brother are actually having a meeting with her care team this afternoon, so hopefully decisions will be made then.

The practical side of things is where he's taking comfort, I think. He's a 'doer' so arranging things is helping him.

I agree that he is grieving.
He is grieving for his mum as he knew her. And there might be some anticipatory grieving too.

I think you both need 🫂🫂🫂

My dad is alive in body but most of what made him my dad is-no longer there. I miss him so much, particularly when I see something and think “what would Dad think about that?” then realise I will never know. What helps is hugs and acknowledgement of the situation. Knowing he still loves me doesn’t help at all.

Essentially, it is what it is, which is a deep loss, and he is going to need time to get over it.

I'd avoid telling him to "stay strong for her" because that makes it sound like if he's upset that he's not reacting the 'right' way. I'd make sure he's keeping up with stuff he enjoys, eating properly, that you're spending time together as usual. Spend time outside. It's easy to slide into bad habits when you're dealing with a major issue, and it can take a long time to undo them when the crisis is over with.

I was also going to say the practical side is important but you've already updated on that and it sounds very positive.

Thank you, it's so hard to know what to say and I really appreciate everyone sharing their experiences and feelings with me.

We'll get through this, I have no doubt of that. We have our shared diving hobby and I'm going to make sure we spend time underwater as it's a great distraction.