Retired DM become bossy and dull

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My DM retired from a busy, fulfilling job. She is enjoying her retirement and slower pace. She has a good social life - but far quieter than her job. I have young DC and she kindly helps with them and loves having them.

Sadly I have noticed she has become more and more mundanely bossy 'it's going to rain later don't forget an umbrella', 'the neighbours have put the wrong rubbish bins out again, how stupid, I'm going to tell them', 'you should buy x y and z for your holiday, have you got the kids sun cream', 'I'm going to complain because the fitness class started 2 minutes late'

It is really painful and dull. I find it hard to bite my tongue and feel a bit like she thinks me (and everyone else) is slightly useless. I feel like she's becoming a bit bitter and grumpy.

Any tips on how to gently help her stop or rein it in!?

Is there really any need to bite your tongue? I'd probably tell my mum they'll think she's a right tit complaining about 2 minutes. Albeit we do have a close relationship like that.

My mum
Only ever worked two days a week anyway and once Covid hit she stopped altogether so we've had years of her being pushy forceful and controlling.

I keep her at a safe distance to be honest and I do have to tell her often to stop interfeeeing in other peoples stuff or stop being so bossy it's bloody annoying.

My dad still works three days a week as he can't stand the thought of having to deal with it full time.

She can be very manipulative aswell so that's why I keep her back

I'm retired and I wonder if your Mum is missing the fulfilment her job provided, which is making her cranky and bossy? Was she used to being in charge of things, organising, creating or being intellectually challenged? When you have a satisfying occupation like that, it's easy not to 'sweat the small stuff'.

Despite enjoying her retirement, deep down she might be longing to control or manage something and her frustration is manifesting itself in petty bossiness and grumpy moods.

I imagine this is difficult for you to witness and I'd agree such behaviour is 'painful and dull'. Maybe you shouldn't bite your tongue? Could you be open with her and say that she appears to be crotchety about minor things, which is not like her really so can you discuss it to try and get to the root of it? It probably wouldn't hurt to make a joke of it sometimes to help her see that this kind of pettiness is ridiculous.

I'm fortunate in being able to find enough stimulating things in retirement to satisfy me but if that changes and I become more like your Mum, my adult children would definitely let me know! They'd be kind but they'd tell me to get a grip, stop being petty and find something interesting to do.

Interesting post @Shetlands. Wonder if DM would benefit from something else to focus on, perhaps some kind of volunteer role? If she could manage it without pissing people off!

Leave your mum alone. If she's upsetting other people, they will tell her. Sounds like you want to join her in the behaviour policing brigade.

My mum is the same constantly going on about how stupid the neighbours/friends/ family are and how they should have asked her how to do/be/go whatever it is- never to their face though, always behind their back. I’m NC with her now, in part because she started it on my DC. Do you have the kind of relationship where you could talk to her about it OP?

Other than the fitness class thing which is ridiculous, the rest just sounds like she's being caring?

Steer her into a voluntary role as Treasurer or Secretary. Local Civic Society would be good, or chairing a campaign against loss of the local library.

I appreciate that it's annoying but I can almost guarantee (as a mother of adult children myself) that comments like "take an umbrella" and "don't forget sunscreen" are translations of "I love you". Try to think of these sorts of comments as one of the ways in which she is communicating, "I care about your and DCs comfort and wellbeing because I love you."

The stuff about builders and fitness classes - you could gently say, "come on mum - you;re not like that - that sounds a bit petty."

DH is getting a bit like that these days (also retired) and I just calmly say, "I have no intention of spending even five minutes of the rest of my life with Victor Meldrew. Can I have my witty, lovely husband back please?"

Can't you just tell her "stop bloody moaning mum, I don't want listen to you moaning all the time"

My DM is like this too but she's been retired for over 25 years. It hasn't improved with time...

Agree with trying to steer her towards a Voluntary role even if it's just something else for her to focus on and meet some other people.

Even my DM's BF has told her recently that when she's like this, it sounds as though she thinks she's better than everyone else she does seem to think like this and it's really not nice.

It must have taken a lot for her BF to speak up like this.

You really, really need to have a kind and frank chat with her, making it clear it is from a place of love. She’s very likely making herself as unhappy as she’s making those around her. It’s one of my biggest fears as a newly retired person, that I have too much emotional energy and time invested in stuff which I shouldn’t concern me. I hope my dc will tell me to MMOB if I do overstep.

Is she a retired teacher or headteacher by any chance?
Sounds like she has retirement syndrome where small irritations get blown out of proportion.
Agree - there are lots of voluntary roles out there.

"Blimey, your being a Negative Nellie today, did you get out of the wrong side of the bed?"

Make a few of these comments whenever she starts, she'll hopefully get the message!

Joke about it with her. “Who’s becoming a grumpy old woman?!” 😂