Advice about SS and Safeguarding Issues

[Sparsely]

I posted on here about my Mother (91) a couple of weeks ago.The doctor has raised a safeguarding concern regarding my Mother's care of my father (90 and has dementia). There had been no meds ordered since July. My Mum was not supervising them and he is plainly not capable. We've been talking to a link worker and talking about getting someone in to help care for my Dad, get him up, clean him and make sure meds taken.

We met a care agency (also offer domestic support) but she had a list of tasks that do not address the issue (drive her to the supermarket, buy bread, take up her trousers) and none of them lessening the pressure points which lead her to explode at me, my husband and my Dad. (mainly poo related). It seems to me this will not address the safeguarding issue. I am not sure they are about care for my Dad at all apart from very tangentally.

At first she seemed to listen about the safeguarding issue but then just started having a blaming me for "steamrolling her".

I am happy to help in an emergency but I cannot help day to day: I have a demanding full time job and you can understand, our relationship is not good really.

My questions are this:

1. Will social services really take action in this kind of situation? Technically he is being neglected, She has improved but she won't give him all his meds as she doesn't agree with them all (creates too much mess, out of date, not needed etc) ?

2. If they do get involved, what can we expect? Will she be given a chance to improve or change her opinion about having carers? Will they just have him moved to a care home? Will we have a say in which one? (He'd be self funding)

3. Would they ever force her into a care home too? (The house has hoarding issues and she probably has some dementia too. She manages to cook and shop and do the laundry, but not clean or organise her house. She struggles to manage finances as she can't use a credit card (2 factor auth= impossible). So I'd say she just about gets by.

I Think it is ridiculous that you’re 91 year old mum is trying to care for her husband by any stretch of the imagination.

I would say the best outcome would be that they go in to care together and if i were you that would be my goal.

Social care should be doing an assessment for both of their needs and determining what is in both of their best interests.

She is a pretty competent woman, given she can hardly see or hear, but yes I agree with you. She is so fiercely independent and of a very fixed mindset (somewhere on the spectrum, I assume). She's just an immutable force and no one (me included) has the energy, time or the patience to try and change her ways. She's pretty spry for 91. The other day I heard her skipping down the stairs like a 20 year old to answer the door.

I think she'd be happy going to visit my Dad in a care home each day and living in a little flat. For Dad the phrase "happy wife, happy life" sums him up.

Well hopefully SS will give her an ultimatum, love your image BTW

If self funding you can choose the care home. Why don't you visit some with your dm ?

Yes, self funding. That;s a good idea about setting up to see a care home.

It's better than saying "but you'll lose your choices. Dad will just be taken away" for the 100th time. Maybe it will bring it home to her.

I don't thnk she can go into a home. The misery would be too great for all concerned.

No clue what they will do but we have SW involved in the care of in-laws now and we are very relieved. SW seems organised and phoned all the parties involved and has come up with a good solution for us, so maybe talk to them and see what happens?

Only difference possibly is my DH has LPA for the party that needs the assistance.

Get social services involved. I'd be looking for them to solve this. - otherwise you'll end up paying.

This is where a third party (ss) can really help. I hope the assessment goes well.

If care agency are instructed by SS to supervise the meds they will have to do this and report any issues. They could have a small medication safe that only the carer has the code for if mum is trying to interfere.

The threshold for ‘forcing’ someone into care is high, and essentially only on risk of death or significant injury or harm and they would always try to work out ways for them to be at home first if risks can be at all mitigated. This should all be part of an ongoing discussion with all of you.