Calling all who have a parent in a care home.

[Tolkienista]

My mother turned 96 this week.
Her health is gradually declining, including her mobility.
She is in cognitive decline, though she'd deny that.
Currently she has an ITU which has been treated with antibiotics since Thursday & she's very confused as a result
She's been in a care home for the last four months after a fall last April which seriously affected her mobility.
We love the care home. Her room is fantastic, great meals, lovely residents, great carers too. We were so pleased we found it.
I can honestly say it feels like extended family when we visit.

However, she's still not properly settled in.
I'm writing this because after visiting her today, everything was so negative.
Culminating in her saying " I want to leave"

I guess why I'm writing this is, how do you cope with a situation like this?
I've spoken to the carers,.managers too & they think she's doing fine.
She lived independently for 95 years, so it was never going to be easy adapting to the confines of a care home.

As one of three siblings, I get the brunt of her frustration, I live closest to her & I'm her next of kin.
I see her four times a week, around one and a half hours per visit. I'm really doing my best, but it's really hard.
She gets lots of family visitors too across the generations.
Any observations will be very welcome from those of you who have a close relative in care.
Thanks.

It's a very hard transition to move into a care home. However, my mother complained constantly. Truth is they have nothing to say and their lives are very small. Often not enough to occupy their minds with. I now work in a care home, no it's far from perfect, however residents moan about everything - food, temperature, laundry, drinks, carers. To be honest, reduce your visits to twice a week maybe one longer one and one short one. At her age she may never fully settled make friends but at least she is safe and you have peace of mind.

My 91 year old mum is being moved to a "short term placement" in a care home today. I think it will probable become long term due to the circumstances and her situation. She has been in hospital since the beginning of November after falling and breaking her hip.
She hasn't gained much mobility back and has become incontinent, her slight forgetfulness has evolved into virtually no short term memory at all. She isn't aware that she has broken her hip or that she needs a frame to walk so that compounds the falls risk. The council house she lived in is now unsuitable for her needs and my dad also has vascular dementia. Her voice is now a whisper and she is now visibly underweight after being put on a level 7 liquid diet as she was pocketing and not chewing.
I've just been ironing in name tape to her clothes. Its silly really but the last time I did it was for my children and it just made me feel really upset. I'm an only child and there isn't other family members around so I know this is the safest option for her but I know she wont like it.

Thank you @ThePoliteLion for your lovely words. You've been there, you know what it's like.
That's it ......I'm doing my best to make the final part of her life as good as I can for her
It doesn't feel a burden, it just feels like I'm doing the right thing

@SunburstsOrMarbleHalls what a sad post. I can fully empathise with your emotions at what is happening to your mum and the apprehension you feel going forward.
It's really heartbreaking and scary trying to navigate a situation that you've never been in before.
We found it totally overwhelming last year, stumbling from week to week.
You'll get there in the end, just take it one day at a time, and grab any help offered to you.

You're absolutely right on how overwhelming it all is.

Mum was very disorientated when she arrived at the home today, luckily I got there before her so when she was wheeled off the ambulance she saw me straight away.
She is very confused as to why she is there. Her mobility is actually far worse than I realised, the paramedics sat her on the side of her bed and the manager showed them out, I then realised she cant actually lift her legs to get inside the bed. When lifted her legs she ended up lying flat halfway down the bed so i had to then lift her up. She barely has any strength at all due to being so underweight and she is also probably seized up with being nearly bed ridden for 2.5 months sing her hip fracture.

I'm not sure she fully understands that she should press the call button if she needs any help either.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed she improves but I'm wondering if she will need nursing care rather than residential care long term.

Has anyone got any recommendations of places to buy clothes for her? She has lost so much weight her regular clothes swamp her now. Ive orders a few pairs of trousers from Bon Marche as they do extra short length and got her some soft touch jumpers from M&S but I'm a bit stumped as to where else to buy stuff from.

I'm sorry - that sounds a tough day for both of you.

If she's able to afford a visiting physio (the home may have one they use regularly), I highly recommend it.

A nursing home.will only be needed if she requires actual medical care. Residential can cope with all levels of mobility difficulties, and farily high degrees of confusion.