Calling all who have a parent in a care home.

[Tolkienista]

My mother turned 96 this week.
Her health is gradually declining, including her mobility.
She is in cognitive decline, though she'd deny that.
Currently she has an ITU which has been treated with antibiotics since Thursday & she's very confused as a result
She's been in a care home for the last four months after a fall last April which seriously affected her mobility.
We love the care home. Her room is fantastic, great meals, lovely residents, great carers too. We were so pleased we found it.
I can honestly say it feels like extended family when we visit.

However, she's still not properly settled in.
I'm writing this because after visiting her today, everything was so negative.
Culminating in her saying " I want to leave"

I guess why I'm writing this is, how do you cope with a situation like this?
I've spoken to the carers,.managers too & they think she's doing fine.
She lived independently for 95 years, so it was never going to be easy adapting to the confines of a care home.

As one of three siblings, I get the brunt of her frustration, I live closest to her & I'm her next of kin.
I see her four times a week, around one and a half hours per visit. I'm really doing my best, but it's really hard.
She gets lots of family visitors too across the generations.
Any observations will be very welcome from those of you who have a close relative in care.
Thanks.

PIL are in a home together and have been there for three years. We still have visits when everything is negative, they aren't being looked after properly (they are). The food is awful (it isn't), it's too noisy/too quiet, nobody ever comes to see them, the home is closing down because all the staff have left, there are no other residents, they have all left too, they want to move out etc etc. It is tiring having to listen to it, try and change the subject, chat about your week, the family, the weather, anything to stop them focusing on where they are.

She knows she would prefer to be at home, go back in time to how it was, of course, it's natural.
Hang on in there op, sounds like you are very caring indeed. Just do your best, and take care of yourself too.

Thank you for your lovely words.
Believe me we do go back in time.....she has a digital photo frame on a sideboard opposite her chair, we went right back to her childhood today looking at her siblings and herself from the 1930s.

@Diversion good points.
Yes I use that tactic too, when the negativity goes off the scale like it did today, I talk about everything but the care home as a diversionary tactic.

It 100% is the home that she lived in prior to going into a care home
In many ways her mind is as sharp as a tack, she doesn't have dementia & she can tell me which drawer to look in to locate a blouse or scarf she wants.... she's always right.

Keep you visits shortish, 40-80 minutes and try playing her favourite music if she is in a negative mood. Also don’t underestimate how much a UTI changes behaviour.
Her saying she wants to go home is ok, it’s fine for her to say what she would like, obviously it’s impossible but she can still wish it would happen.

@YourNimbleOchrePoster thanks for your interesting comment.
I had no idea how much a UTI can change behaviour, but apparently it really does affect the elderly.
I'm learning something new every week.

It's 08.35 am and I've read every message that's been posted on here.
Thank you to everyone who's taken the time to reply to my original post.
Your words have really made me look at things in a new way & I've realised that we're not alone & so many people are going through similar circumstances with an elderly relative.

A year ago before her fall in spring time she was living a very different life, shopping daily, catching the bus for trips out & generally doing what she wanted.
No wonder it's taking longer than we thought for her to fully embrace her new way of living. Be grateful for what you have, because none of us knows what's round the corner.

My mother sounds quite similar @Tolkienista I'm finding it very hard too. There is a strength in coming to our own acceptance that this is inevitable and we can't fix old age for our loved ones.
A pp commented that too much visiting might be preventing your mum from settling. I think that's really worth considering. My mum's home has plenty going on but she won't go if she thinks someone might visit. I have said over and again that we'll find her wherever she is in the home ( dining roon/cafe/ activity area) and it's beginning to sink in. She's been there six weeks or so now. We were visiting every day ( like your family 'someone' has been going,) but we are slowly cutting it down. We're still talking to her about going home when her mobility is better, but it's unlikely to be better. She too is aware of the cost, and it's upsetting her, but four care calls a day plus overnight care is much the same price. Live in, even more. The occupational therapist has said although mum has capacity she'd need to demonstrate that she fully understand the ramifications of going home, and she doesn't really. I often feel that her complaining is less about wanting to go home and more frustration at the position she finds herself in. It's hard when it's aimed at me and my siblings, or the carers who work so hard to look after her. Solidarity to you and others going through this 💐

Really? 🤦‍♀️

It’s hard OP!
we had nearly 8 years in a lovely lovely home, from 91 to nearly 100.
To start with, I visited frequently, but after a year or so I dropped visits to once a week for my own sanity as much as anything. I’d suggest you cut visits back especially if there are lots of other visitors, then you will have “news” to chat about.
Deflect talk of coming home with “when you are stronger” type comments.
I think it’s a bit like dropping a toddler at nursery - lots of tears and wailing, then once you’re out of sight they are fine. As long as the staff aren’t reporting distress, then i think thats just how it is. Wouldn’t most of us like to go back to a happy time and place given the option?!

I really don’t think that would be appropriate. Often a lot of personal care takes place in the bedroom, for example a lot of elderly residents have skin concerns so may need a twice daily covering in lotion with extra care to folds. This will often be done on the bed. Would you be happy to be filmed for your relatives viewing pleasure at your most vulnerable?

I absolutely agree with this. I’m MILs last home she was toileted in her room so a camera would have been really intrusive. We had considered it though as the theft from her room was terrible. Her sweets and biscuits were stolen every time we replaced them. Every new shower gel or shampoo would ‘walk’ within days. A camera would have caught the thief but we just couldn’t do it. In the end everything was locked away in a large strong box that we bought her. I would fill empty shower gel bottles with plain water and leave them on her shelf. These bottles still ‘walked’, bet the thief was disappointed when they found just water inside.
Luckily in her new home there’s very little theft (if any). Doesn’t stop her from complaining though!

I just wanted to say please don't feel guilty, my sister and I had poa for my mum and social services still made the ultimate decision to put her in a home.
They weren't heavy handed but would have pulled rank had we not complied.

I found this to be the case with the residents at my mother's care home. They talked of seeing their Mum & Dad & sisters when they were talking about 'home'.

Regarding the distress when their family visit & leave.
Within a few minutes after the family left, they'd be ok, having a cuppa with the other residents, whilst the families were wracked with guilt.

Obviously worth trying to see if there are any particular snags that are causing upset and you need to be reassured that the home is caring for them well etc but sometimes it's just unavoidable to have upset at what is a big change.

A mantra me and my partner use after the odd upsetting visit with his mother who has dementia is that she might not always be happy in the home but she is safe. She wasn't happy at her old home either, kept wandering off to find the other elusive "home" they all seek, and definitely wasn't safe there.

Also as time goes on she has settled a little more and I agree visits can sometimes be trigger points for emotions not that you have to necessarily reduce visits unless it's adding to your stress too but just that you might not be getting the full picture. We check out the care homes Facebook and see her participating in things not that you'd know it if you spoke to her.

Another quote I find comforting is from Alan Bennet's monologues. A lady with dementia is waiting for a taxi and someone asks where she thinks she's going. She says something like "mam and dad's house in 1956" and the other replies "well if he can take you there I bet he does a cracking trade" - it's a grief in a way for what's gone as opposed to anything being specifically wrong, but hopefully in time your mum will feel more settled.

@WinterFrog thanks for your lengthy helpful post.....just to clarify.
I go in Tue & Thurs during the week.
Then Saturday & Sunday at the weekend, because it's really quiet & it's extra company for her, but sometimes just once at the weekend.
She actually said to me before Christmas, I wish you were here every day.

@IlluminatiParty I think the key word that stands out in your post is the word "safe" that for us too was the turning point in moving forward to a care home, she just wasn't safe at home.
No dementia, but her declining mobility meant she just wasn't safe to move around in a house that had served her well for 50 years.

Thank you @WinterFrog and @Tolkienista you’ve articulated what I needed. It absolutely was the tipping point of safety for us (and DF wasn’t happy - he was existing, miserably). Thanks all for helping me feel less alone and for sharing things that may help with the conversations to come.

@SpikyHatePotato it 100% is the home she's just left.
She hasn't got dementia so she is really clear where she wants to go.
She remembers her neighbours, she can even pinpoint certain areas of the house where I can find things to bring into her & she's always right they're exactly where she said they'd be.

I think it sounds as if her move there has gone well and it’s natural that she’d prefer to live in her home of 50 years but unfortunately that isn’t possible. Try not to worry about her as much, she’s safe, warm and the staff say she is ok. Maybe even try visiting less, then she may engage with the staff and other residents a bit more.

I think that you have worked very hard to provide you mother with a warm, safe and caring environment, but, naturally, are feeling very guilty. Sometimes, visits can be triggers that upset you both. If you are anything like I was, you will leave wracked with guilt, and agonise afterwards, but your mother will probably be just fine. She is warm, safe, fed and cared for, and if there were to be any significant problem, you would be notified. I note you keep re-iterating that dementia is not a factor, but if someone needs care, they need care. You are doing all the right things.

I’m so sorry that was your experience. It was mine too, residents allowed to wander into each other rooms, as long as they weren’t causing any trouble the carers were happy to leave them to it. My DM’s large solid engagement ring was destroyed, as though it had been hammered flat. I couldn’t believe it when it was returned to me.

This is interesting - my son when he was younger would say he wanted to go home if he got upset, even if we were at home already!

Thank you @LadyLindaT for your post & I concur with what you say.
A care home does indeed give you reassurance that your family member is in a safe environment, being fed, being cared for & the home will notify us if there are any issues.
It really is peace of mind.