Bereavement, hoarding, stress

[ThisIsreallydifficult]

Title kinda sums it up. One of my parents has recently died. They lived VERY rurally. House is a complete mess, unsafe. I didn’t know how bad it was as I live abroad and don’t get back very often. They much preferred coming out to me and getting some sunshine.

i am literally drowning in stuff that I’m trying to clear out. Both were clutterbugs at the best of times. Nearest tip is an hour’s drive away. Nearest charity shop 2 hours drive, as is the nearest skip rental. The steepness of the terrain and tiny road means a skip couldn’t be placed close by either. It’s just me and my husband trying to clear out, fix things, make it safe. We are constantly falling over stuff, there’s literally nowhere to put anything. Can’t even leave bags outside due to the horrendous weather.

I’ve been at it for weeks and I am so stressed out and exhausted. Remaining parent isn’t overly mobile and of limited assistance, and when they do they need to reminisce over everything. I am at breaking point. Any bright ideas on how to deal with this and just cope for a little while longer?

Good grief where are they living? House clearance company?

Clearance company or hire a van

Is the other parent going to stay living in the house? Could you get a removal company to pack up and move it all to a storage place closer to shops/tip so you can sort and get rid of stuff easier? Or sort everything that you think would go into a skip into one room/shed/garage/garden and then get a waste removal company to take it all away.

House clearance company. You can ask them to keep particular items to one side for sorting yourself if necessary eg documents and photographs.

How does a house clearance company work if there is still a parent living in the house?

If not house clearance have a look at Hippo Bags and hiring a van for the big items.

I hear you though. I have similar heading my way. It is hard enough dealing with the grief without this too.

How close could a skip be dropped. It would surely be easier to get a large wheelbarrow and take stuff to a skip, even if it's placed a couple of hundred yards away?

I would also be contacting Adult social care for their local council and arrange a needs assessment for your remaining parent.

Will this person realistically be able to remain in this house going forward given their rural location?. It appears not.

Is this person willing to accept their house now being cleared?. If so use a house clearance company, they are well used to this sort of thing. Another potential issue here is that the house is eventually cleared only to fill up with rubbish again. Hoarding is a recognised mental illness which is extremely difficult to treat.

If the remaining DP isn't very mobile would they be willing to go into respite care? Do they have a SW?

It sounds a bit more serious than just being a "Clutterbug".

The remaining parent cannot stay in that house. Very rural, not mobile etc. they can be stubborn and I know it's hard for them. I've been through the same with a GP, but it isn't practical.

Contact adult SS OP, say you are at breaking point and you cannot help further. If carers can't come then look into assisted living or a home.

In the mean time, Is there any other family you can rope in to help? Siblings? Cousins? As harsh as this sounds, all of this doesn't have to be your responsibility.

Contact a removal company to come and do it. If you've sorted through keep / bin then they can collect the bin stuff. Don't be frugal with the keep stuff. Hoarders keep a lot of junk.

Good luck, it's exhausting and you're at breaking point. It's okay to step away

Check out local 'dump runs' on Facebook Marketplace etc, they are generally cheaper than skips and will lift the same or next day. And Clearabee will take large items of furniture next day too (though quite expensive).

House clearance firm for the furniture, charity shops will collect anything decent though it doesn't sounds as if it's in that state! A local auction house was v helpful in giving me a contact number for a firm that lifted some very old fashioned heavy furniture from my mum's place, it can be hard to get rid of.

Difficult though if they have capacity. How do you make someone move homes of they don't want to, especially if they are grieving?

Having capacity means that they are entitled to make decisions for themselves, including where they live, even if that decision is obviously appalling and will have clear problems.

@ThisIsreallydifficult i don't know if you've already read this on Hoarding from the NHS?

Do you think it's worth trying to get them an appointment with their GP and look at SSRIs?

Does there local Council have any information or support regarding Hoarding too?

And are you in touch with the Carer's Support Group for the area that your DP is in? They can often have some really quite valuable information on local services.

For now I'd see if I could apply for Attendance Allowance if they don't have it already. See if you can get them a referral for an Occupational Therapy assessment, possibly through their GP and call their local Fire Station and ask if they come to older people's homes to give advice.

If your DP doesn't have a SW I'd also ask the GP for a referral to one of those.

If DP is unwilling to see the GP you can email them.

Make it very clear in your email that you don't want to know any details about their medical history but that you "are trying to avoid an unnecessary Hospital admission". That's the phrase that usually gets them to take action.

Outline the frailty and hoarding and ask if they can be seen for OCD and be referred for an OT assessment and a SW.

It's probably worth getting them a Care Needs Assessment too.

Do they have an alert bracelet or pendant in case they fall? That sounds as though it's going to be worth setting up.

Yes @TinyMouseTheatre it's difficult when they have capacity for sure.
I had this with my grandfather. That was my time to step back, I had to for my own sanity as I, like the OP, was at breaking point.
Once I stepped back, my GF realised he couldn't live like that on his own, and then went into assisted living.
I had to be cruel to be kind. To myself and to him.

It's not an easy thing to do by any means, but looking after an elderly hoarder is incredibly draining. My heart goes out to the OP.

If you can afford it, contact APDO - association of professional declutterers and organisers. Many of their members work with hoarders and they could help you put systems in place to help you tackle the belongings, or literally go through them all with you. They’d be a good option if you need a boost/hand/moral support.

How are you getting on @ThisIsreallydifficult?

It is interesting to look at the Clutter Image Rating Tool. For the kitchen, I think most people nowadays would regard 1 as being in need of a good tidy, hoarding isn’t considered a problem until it’s reached 4 or more