Can't bear to look after difficult parent, but don't want to put on someone else

[Pamspeople]

Just that really, I've reached burnout as the daughter of a mum who has been very controlling, rejecting and difficult my whole life. I've spent my life trying to make her happy and have finally reached the point where I've given up and can't face her any more. Had reached a reasonably OK'ish place with this, but then she became ill and needs care that she won't accept, etc etc. There is another family member who is very good with her and at the moment is willing to do more visiting and care, but I don't want her to get burned out and I don't want to be selfish and for her to feel responsible for everything. But I also strongly instinctively feel that I'm absolutely done - mum has alienated pretty much everyone, cuts us off on rotation for months or years at a time and I'm not playing nice or appeasing her any more. How can I be fair and not a selfish bitch to the person who is currently still willing to care for her? I see so many people who 'end up doing everything while siblings don't bother' and I feel like maybe I'm one of those siblings? But for my own survival I just can't do it.

As long as you are clear about your own position, and that you don't expect someone else to take on the burden, other people are free to do or not do what they wish.

I felt a bit like that with my wife. I was starting to resent all the care stuff I was doing for her. We now have four visits a day from carers provided by Social Work. They get her up, washed and dressed. Check twice during the day and in the evening get her ready for bed.
I still am up three or four times at night to help her to the toilet and do loads during the day but having those four regular visits makes it possible for me to cope.
Can you get some carers from you Local Authority Pamspeople?

Watching this with interest. @Pamspeople the saying put your own oxygen mask on first is really important. Sadly that then leaves the guilt - best to focus on the guilt being better than the resentment you would feel. Your mother sounds like ours. Nothing, and I mean nothing, is ever right or even ok and we’ve tried everything. I feel for you. It’s horrible isn’t it.

What @NoBinturongsHereMate said - how much care is offered is pretty much up to the individual.

That said, are there tasks you can do that don't bring you in to contact with your Mum? Or other ways you can support the willing sibling to reduce her load?

It really is horrible, I'm sorry you're in a similar situation. Mum has never been able to accept help from anyone, says she will kill herself rather than be dependent on anyone. I've grown up hearing this. If you challenge her on anything she cuts you off, won't communicate. I've reached the end of the road with her, but yes the guilt is so pervasive. I'm trying for "feel the guilt and do it anyway" but it's hard.

I am really happy to help financially, with liaising with services (if she would engage with anyone) and emotional support to the person in contact with my mum. But at the moment I just can't bear the thought of seeing her and getting back on the merry go round of her dysfunction.

But the point is if she needs care then somebody is going to have to do it or she struggles without care. Many people do. So it's either do without care. You or a relative provide care Or an outside agency provides care.

She would rather do without, and it's painful to know that she will lie about how she is to avoid care.

Explain to the other person why you can no longer help. There are other alternatives, but whilst they are happy to take it on, leave them to it. Maybe just check in with them regularly to make sure they are doing OK. If/when they start to struggle, then you can both revise the approach needed.

That’s her choice. Plus her expressing her views like this could also be her manipulation. The “rotation” of people she gives favour to suggests this. Without you she will most likely find somebody else. Try and “shrink” the guilt. After all - she is just facing the consequences of her own behaviour and choices as an adult.

So much of it is about boundaries at the end of the day - both external and internal. You say you’ve reached an “OKish place” which is an achievement - so you can keep maintaining and building on that. Agree with other poster that if the other relative wishes to do more, again that’s her choice. You can be honest and very clear with this person about your need to step back because of how difficult/unpleasant your mother is with you. You can suggest to her that other agencies take over instead - but if she wants to take it on that’s her choice. She may change her mind further down the line.@

It’s not an easy situation I know as I have a somewhat similar experience but there is very little you can do with such a person and they are never satisfied. Their intention is to get you to do their bidding as they see fit, via guilt or control, and the only way out of that I’ve found to step back from doing it at all or by doing the minimum you are happy to do and nothing more.

Edit: “happy to do” was an overstatement; “prepared to do” would be more accurate in my case.

Do you have children? If so, back off for them. Put yourself and them first (it will be hard to put yourself first after that upbringing).

No children so I don't have to worry about facilitating a relationship between them and parent thank goodness

It's often the other way round if you do have children. It can make it easier - I know I only started setting boundaries with my elderly relative to protect my children from her influence. I'm
definitely not trying to facilitate a relationship!

And it really made me stop and think about my own upbringing and how I want the opposite of that for my children. Before that I'd just gone along with increasingly difficult behaviour.

If you're done, you're done. That is your decision and you should stick to it with as little guilt as possible. Children aren't responsible for providing care to elderly parents, even if their childhood was great, which yours certainly wasn't.

If another relative is stepping up and providing care, that is their decision. They can also make the decision not to do this and it isn't your responsibility.

Many elderly parents resist outside care, and will lie to pretend they don’t need it while blithely expecting their own children to keep on providing it. Threats of suicide are more than that though, especially if she has used these methods to control you throughout your life.

you are allowed to step back, you know? And make your own decisions about how much or how little you are willing to so. I know you’ve been trained to believe the opposite ask your life. People on here often recommend therapy / counselling, it might help you. Also Out Of the Fog (not sure of this is a book or a website).

@thepariscrimefiles I just wanted to let you know how much your post continues to help me. I often think "If you're done, you're done" and it helps me stay strong and remember how low I've been about this - and that it's OK to be done with it all. Thank you for your wise words!

You're very welcome! I'm glad I was able to help.

You have got excellent advice here from @RadishesGlow, take some time to read it thoroughly and absorb that message. Sometimes it's good to reflect and accept that an elderly person can be a horrible human being. Had your mother been a great mum but her mental state was affected say, by dementia and that was the root cause of her selfish and unkind behaviour it would be different. She's a horrid and manipulative old woman because she was a horrid and manipulative young woman before.

Step back, tell the other relative that she's free to back off too, when she's had enough and one of you can advise adult social services that she needs support. It's much quoted advice from Philippa Perry that it's better to live with (undeserved) guilt than burning yourself out and resenting it.