How to support ageing parent when in a different country

[NeedSomeComfy]

I was hoping to get some advice on ways that I can support my mother when not being physically there. She is 70 and is having a tough time at the moment. She has some of her own health issues, but mainly she is getting very burnt out by supporting her own elderly mother (95, still living independently but with increasing needs and unpredictable health crises) and my father who is rather unsteady and has had a couple of falls recently. She also lost a friend this year. I live in a different country but travelled back to see them at Christmas, and it was clear how on edge she is.
I'm struggling to think of ways to help and support her during this time. I myself have a young family and a demanding job so I can't easily go and visit (and I'm not sure what help I would be if I did since I can't drive over there as not on car insurance and can't really take on any of her responsibilities). She has very little time so getting her something like a massage would only feel like another thing on her to-do list. They don't have any money worries.
If anyone has any advice I'd be very grateful!

Encouraging her to have at least a fortnightly cleaner for the harder bits plus changing the bedding is a good first step - building a relationship with a trusted cleaner can be useful as you age, and can add hours and duties if more help is required, I know one lady who started as a basic cleaner but now coordinates the carers for her clients (strictly speaking her clients son who lives a distance but has power of attorney) and can report to him any concerns.

Agree, a regular cleaner is a good start point. I organised one for my parents through an agency. I pay the agency fee for them and they pay the cleaner in cash.

Do a regular, online supermarket delivery for them.

Contact Age charities about arranging companionship for them. Sounds like your mum needs to get out and enjoy herself and take a break from caring.

You can easily get insured on their car. Either temporarily using the Cuvva app or just paying a small extra to get added as named driver.

Her parents need care assessments from social services and she needs to set some firm boundaries about how much she is willing and able to do to support them.

Once she knows that their needs are being met she can relax a bit and reclaim some time for herself.

As well as care assessments for her husband and mother, encourage her to get a carer's assessment herself.

Thank you for the replies! My parents and grandmother do already have a cleaners. One of the problems is getting my GM to accept outside help that is not from family. She makes the excuse that it’s too much money to get a regular carer in, but she is very comfortably off and of all the things that she could spend her money on, this is definitely the best one in her current stage of life (at least from all the rest of the family’s point of view). She has been extremely independent given her age up until recently, where a number of different health problems have meant she suddenly needs more input and more doctors appointments / hospital visits, to which my mum always needs to go with her.
My mum won’t find it easy to accept help either, and feels very responsible for her mother. I will talk to her about the care assessment and the carer’s assessment.
I didn’t know about the Cuvva app - that’s very helpful thanks!

DH and I both live abroad, and have 3 ageing parents between us back in the UK.

It depends on the situation and how well you communicate with your parents. It sounds like your mum is a carer. rather than needing care herself. So I would give the advice that I do to my SIL who lives close to FIL and takes on a lot of his care. Ultimately your mum has to decide what she is willing and able to do, and find ways to stick to that.

It’s not helpful / quite selfish of your gran to insist that only family do care for her. We are having a similar battle with FIL who is objecting to carers coming three times a day - he’d much prefer that SIL ran around after him, despite the fact that she has a ft job and a family. Going to medical rdv with him is much more important than serving him lunch or giving him medication etc - carers can do that. Your mum needs to prioritise the things she has to do over the things other people can do for your gran and dad.

Ive found it easier to have the big talks during visits rather than by phone, face to face means my mum and I share more freely (my dads not at the falling stage but he’s definitely aging more quickly than my mum). Not sure how far away you are, or whether there are any siblings back home, but I’m envisaging going back on my own more often for short visits, specifically to check things out at home and push things forward if needed. Unfortunately given the state of the NHS and care in the UK, it’s hard to make progress quickly 🤦‍♀️ but you can maybe help your mum with the emotional side of things so she feels supported to make some changes.

This!!

You can also provide/ continue to provide valuable emotional support for your mum - and dad and grandma if her hearing is ok - on the phone. That’s really important and you can do that no matter where you live. And actually the fact that you’re one step removed might make it easier for your mum to moan/ offload her worries.

(My sister lives abroad and I’ve told her that’s her role!)

Yes! Just the nature of our visits makes this easier for me to do. We stay with my parents for 1-2 weeks, so there are lots of opportunities to speak to them together and on their own, and to have deeper conversations. My sister OTOH tends to visit for a day / one night, and it’s a sociable situation with her partner there too - so fewer opportunities for ‘big’ talks.

DH is much better at being direct with his dad, so that’s his role.

Thank you for the replies! My parents and grandmother do already have a cleaners. One of the problems is getting my GM to accept outside help that is not from family. She makes the excuse that it’s too much money to get a regular carer in, but she is very comfortably off a

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Funny how often this comes up
Won't accept help , but has family run Ragged - totally selfish.
My friend finally got her mum carers in..... only for her dm to cancel them.
Finally friend lay the law down ' have carers or go in a home '
Carers came back.