Health issues and soap opera mother

[Coffeetablemirror]

Hoping for some pearls of wisdom navigating through what’s currently going on with my parents. They are not elderly (mid 60s) but my father has had a number of health issues in recent years and suffered a heart attack last year. He is currently undergoing tests to decide the exact procedure he will soon have to have. Obviously this is very stressful for my mother but I am at my wits end with the drama filled way in which she updates us all. I can’t quite explain it but her tone and ridiculousness dramatic pauses are like something out of a tv show and everytime I see it’s her on the phone I feel physically sick and then annoyed when inevitably there is no actual update. She is also constantly going on that it is likely we will lose him despite this not being something that has been mentioned by his doctors. She has form for this in other areas and if we are actually facing the worst outcome I don’t know if I can cope with her. I know that sounds completely awful but I feel I have to vent after another drama filled phone call.

@Coffeetablemirror sympathy. Lots of threads on here - Elderly Parents which might help. Yep to the ‘soap opera’ reaction behaviour. More ‘kitchen sink drama’ reactions as opposed to pragmatic and sensible ones. Long term situation for me. My advice - step right back now. I got sucked in and stepping back now has been much harder. Lots of help here…..
https://outofthefog.website

Just because someone is our parent and we love them doesn't mean they can't also be a silly moo or a drama queen or ... You get the picture.
What happens if you try to talk directly with your Dad?

I had this an ended up going NC for many, many other reasons too. Which is a bit of an extreme solution but I'd had years of it and, well, it started off with melodrama when they were in their 60s... if you didn't pay her sufficient attention you were "uncaring". With hindsight I wish I'd put down boundaries earlier, but by the time I did I already felt run ragged.

I remember once I had very high blood pressure and had to go to the docs and ended up cancelling the appointment because I'd had another ruddy drama filled phone call just beforehand about DF being about to die, that was a few years back and he's still with us. It did make me realise it was ridiculous that their health problems were taking precedence over mine though. And I can't even remember what the drama was.

I'd try and get the calls down to a couple of times a week. Have times - like morning, later on at night and at work - where you tell her you're unavailable so not to call.

You don't HAVE to answer if you don't want to. If there is something wrong, believe me, you'll know!

I also stopped my voicemail so she couldn't leave irritating lengthy messages.

It's ok to use a bit of gentle humour with the gasping, behaving like he's going to die imminently etc. Or say something about feeling worn out.

You could have another 20 years+ of this so try and get it down to a more manageable level now.

You've had some really great suggestions on here already. I'd second reading up on FOG.

Sounds like your DM has a series case of Main Character Syndrome and isn't considering how being told that your DF might die woukd affect your feelings.

Would your DF let you go to a Hospital Appointment so that you've got a clearer picture of what's going on?

And I woukd also see if your DF would agree to giving you POA for Health & Finance. Both might turn out very useful if he does become seriously ill

Suggest you don’t answer the phone when it’s her, and ring back when you have composed yourself.

Realistically, if she was ringing to say he’d taken a catastrophic turn for the worse, delaying speaking would only rarely make a difference as to whether you got there in time. But if you don’t want to risk it, have you anyone else who could answer her calls for you?

As others have said. You dont have to take every phone call and once its clear its not an emergency you can terminate the call (either nicely or not so nicely!).

YOU WILL BE FOUND IF ITS REAL AND NOT JUST GENERAL MOANING AND MANLIPULATION!

The one time there was a genuine emergency and I was wanted for a middle of the night hospital visit mine didn't call my mobile or DH but tried my landline which I'd unplugged years before (I think this was aimed at waking up the entire household), then phoned a relative who phoned my DH - unless you've got no mutual friends or family it's unlikely that you'll be uncontactable in a genuine emergency.

It doesn't sound like your DF is in any imminent danger, at least no more or less than anyone else. But even if he was, taking slightly longer to get hold of you is highly, highly unlikely to make any difference to anything.

I think my family collectively went through a phase of thinking there'd be some sort of big deathbed scene with Dad poetically carking it once we'd all arrived and surrounded him in a suitably moving tableau, like in a film. It's sort of implicitly referred to in DF's end of life document, which is quite light on detail on other more prosaic matters. I let go of this idea a long time ago!

Which is a long way of saying I'd have a big think about what the worst possible outcome is if you don't pick up, and be rational and practical about the future.

I had similar with my mum when my dad had cancer some year's ago. She was planning who would sit where at his funeral!!!! I was very sharp with her and suggested that she wait till he actually passed before planning his funeral....... he's just turned 80 bless him