Pressure of looking after DM aibu

[OneWittySquid]

My DM is 72 and DF is 78 who currently lives in a care home and is approaching end of life. I'm one of two my dbro who is 49 and myself who is 37. I have a family 3 dc 16, 11 and 8 year ds who has autism. Myself and my dh both work dh 45 hours myself 25hours. My dm is growing increasingly resentful that I'm not doing enough for her. That I only visit once a week.

She effectively wants someone to go and take her shopping or go shopping for her and bring it all in. She has a car but some reduce mobility walking with a stick and stops and starts.She is able to go around the supermarket despite me telling her to order her shopping in and my ds will put it away on the day he visits her. This doesn't seem to be good enough she wants better dates on items and to pick them.

My dbro has 2 young dc but has split from his wife and doesn't have dc all the time he works 4 days and works 30 hours. He has picked her prescriptions up and dropped them off.

She's now getting resentful the house isn't tided or the pots haven't been done. She now wanting to be taken to appointments and isn't happy getting a taxi. I'm juggling work, school pick ups, meetings for ds sen and my dd extracurricular activities which competitions take place over weekends and training sessions not to meantion seeing my df liasing with the doctor about palliative care.

The problem is my dm is capable of doing these things in her house but isn't doing them. Her health is up and down she has a heart condition and diabetes but she is managed on medication. Her sister passed away unexpectedly this time last year. She was the person who would get my dm shopping, prescription and appointments but she was retired.

It's as if she expects myself and dbro to replace this role despite us both working and having families.

She is a horder which makes tidying her house hard work. Dbro and myself have been busy trying to empty to aunts flat to get it ready to sell but it's an uphill battle with my dm wanting to look at everything. On top of that we have yet to get aunts ashes to get buried with her parents and trying to get my dm to do the necessary papers is a nightmare.

Am I not doing enough? I don't know what she expects me to do but apparently she's at the bottom of my priorities.

It’s so hard, but you have to say no to those demands which she can manage herself. She’s will undoubtedly be missing your aunt, so I understand some sympathy is due, but she cannot take over your lives.

She’s young enough to use internet shopping, book Ubers etc. Sounds like she is well enough to clean house and wash dishes. If needs be she could ask for prescriptions to be delivered - but her surgery may decide she does not qualify.

If she is the only one who can do the paperwork for your Aunts burial, she needs to be told bluntly that this is the case.

It is not going to get easier as she gets older so now is the time to get her in the habit of managing for herself while she still can.

Lots of sympathy for you. Been there.

Of course you're doing enough. But of course your dm is unhappy and wants a family member to do all this. But she can't have what she wants. She has effectively lost her husband, and her sister. There isn't a way for all of this to be fixed.

Keep suggesting services - taxes, volunteer drivers, all of that. She's going to go on wanting you but you have too much on.

As a PP said, she has effectively lost her husband and sister but strewth she's only 72, from your description she sounds like a 92 year old!

You have an awful lot on your plate already. If you start feeling guilty just remind yourself that surely your first duty is to your own children. You and your husband, as well as your marriage are so important too.

Once a week is a lot IMO. Do what you can but don't let your mother bully you. Keep pointing to other friends and support.

Would she not pay for a cleaner or carer to come in

She’s my age. I have a DH with two life limiting diseases, until recently I was carer for my DF. I still visit him regularly in the nursing home and manage all his paperwork. I also do voluntary work and am on 5 different committees (chair of two). I’m fitter than she is, but she is acting a generation older.

Can she compromise on shopping? Boring and heavy stuff on line, then nice stuff should be easy enough for her to manage by herself.

Don’t be a taxi service. Perhaps help her to set up an account with one.

if it’s hard to say “no” to an urgent request, say “yes, I can do that (at a time convenient to you)”.

The first time you say no- and stick to it- is the hardest.

If she’s happy for you to do her shopping and take it to her then there’s no reason to refuse internet shopping. There’s a huge difference between ‘can’t’ and ‘don’t want to’, don’t burn yourself out for the latter. Get her a Tesco (or other) groceries account, and a cleaner. If she chooses to not use them then she goes without. It might be painful for a few days, but she will get into it. You cannot be there every time she clicks her fingers, the more you run the more she will click.

Your time should be prioritised completely different:

Yourself, your family, your job, your lifestyle should be your priority.

If you’ve got any left over time then you can offer to help her out. Your role isn’t to find solutions when she says that her shopping needs to be done you reply with ‘well I did advise you to do it online’ then change the subject. If she tries to place blame at your door you can answer honestly with ‘I wish there was a thousand hours in a week but I’ve already got my hands full managing my own family…’

She’s 72 not 92. But I’ve got sympathy as my own mother is in her late 60s and refuses to use a mobile/technology.

She's being ridiculous. You're doing more than enough. I see mine a handful of times a year!

It sounds like she was being enabled by her sister. Who sadly then died. It's better for her to be out doing her shopping, getting her prescriptions etc. She's only 72, she needs to keep active. Don't get involved in doing her shopping - you could maybe encourage her to have heavy stuff delivered every so often so she can go and choose lighter/smaller things in person.

Don't start giving her lifts. If she's used to using taxis she can easily continue.

Thankyou for your replies. I do feel she relied heavily on my auntie who was only a year older. My dm has been a carer for my df for the last 9 years before he broke his hip and ended up in a care home. My dm is obese, has heart failure and insulin diabetes. Her mobility means she gets breathless and has to stop when she walks.

Ironically my auntie was similar health wise albeit she was alot more active would walk to the town do occasional school pick ups got her own shopping. She has been encouraged to go to exercise classes. But has been in hospital with problems with her blood thinners. She was in two days and I didn't see her as I had the kids despite dropping her off. I had invited her for new year but she was in hospital at the time.

She is only 72 so I can't picture giving this level of support on going for a long period of time. I have a family that is my first priority. She spends alot of the day asleep and nights awake. Alot of the daily tasks she is capable and should be doing. It's frustrating that she wants me or my poor dbro who does run around spending several hours shopping shopping then putting away. When she can have it delivered. She went shopping left it in the car and messaged me after I been to work to get her shopping out for her as she can't lift it.

We have spent hours at the flat and she can be very grumpy wanting to look at everything and then wanting to take stuff to fill her house up. The flat still isn't ready as its almost a year since my auntie passed away.

I'm sorry this sounds really tough. I think you should be firm and set some boundaries. Both yourself and brother and stick to it.
You could arrange for her to pay for some support each week, someone to take her shopping and spend a few hours helping out where needed.
Good luck

She sounds bone idle.

She’s 72, she needs to figure out coping strategies that doesn’t involve moaning to you that you’re not picking up after her.

Does your DM have a spare room? There's a scheme that matches up young people in need of accommodation with elderly people in need of a bit of home support. It's a bit like having an au pair without the kids. In exchange for living rent-free they can help with the shopping and a few chores. Might that be a good solution?

She does but she's a horder so I don't think that would work. She won't have cleaners in as she hoards everything. Tbh I can't see her living out the next year tbh. She is in much worse health condition than my aunt but I can't physically work and be her on call carer.

I think you have to have very firm boundaries with these kind of people. Always have an excuse ready. Always say no. Unless it’s something you are happy to offer to do. I sympathise as it can be very draining to keep your boundaries up; but what’s the alternative?

Sounds quite similar to my widowed DM, down to the hoarding. I also see her once a week - helping with shopping, occasionally going for lunch/coffee/visiting garden centres etc but she told me it's not enough. I've pushed back a little and said she has to contact friends but she's not keen really. Sibling helps a bit and has a lot more free time than me but I'm dreading the prospect of more hospital visits etc as she ages. It's tough but we need to try to stay firm and get them to help themselves.

Get her the number for a cleaner and a brochure for a care home - tell her these are the answers to the problems she has and you are not doing any more.
as harsh as this sounds , she is demanding and lazy and waiting for people to step
in and care for her. She is only early 70s , yet she sounds like a 90 year old woman. I’m guessing she has been relying on others for a long long time.