Estrangement of parent / s

[hattie43]

I am at the stage where I've come to the end of the line with my elderly mother and after another ugly screaming fit today am thinking of leaving her to live her life alone to protect my own wellbeing . The problem is that she has alienated every single person who has ever been close to her . She's had multiple marriages and my sibling hasn't bern in touch for decades .
If anyone else is in the same situation with parents can I ask what the final straw was that made you become estranged and how you've found it . It doesn't seem very common and so hard to find someone to talk to in RL.

The final straw was when my, largely absent, biological father demanded that I spend some time with him on a specified day. I was attending a funeral that day so told him I couldn't. He went off on one and didn't even ask who's funeral always all.about him

It was the final straw and i walked away. After the initial shock of it I have to say that i didnt miss what little interaction i had with him. I wish I'd done it sooner.

I never spoke to him again and he died 8 months later.

in these situations i would say think about what will be worse, never seeing her ever again or continuing as you are.

Or is there a compromise of minimal contact.

My parents were alcoholics, my childhood was not nice. It was like growing up in a war zone and yet both expected attention and care once older and vulnerable. The irony was lost on them. They were selfish, demanding, manipulative and spiteful. I tried low contact it didn't work, one day mid screaming match I just hung up the phone and never spoke to them again. My mum died a year later all I felt was relief. I should have done it years before.

My final straw was some cups. Sounds ridiculous, but other Bad Daughters will understand it was literally the straw that broke the camel’s back.

OP just because everyone else beat you to the door does not mean you have to stay.

Op perhaps look at the „but we took you to stately homes“ threads I think in Realtionships. There’s some good advice there.

Went nc with an aunt after I politely declined her invite to Christmas (where I would have had to cook the lunch) when dd was due Xmas eve. She never did ring to see if dd arrived safely and she died without ever getting back in touch... She left her estate to her carer....
Haven't seen df for 25 years after his visits became flaky. Dm for 13 years after being her usual nasty self to my dd's..
No regrets and will probably go to the funerals to expose them for who they were i(n silence-no words will be necessary.. ..)

What impact would going NC have on others in your family, beyond your DM?
I only ask because a sibling has estranged herself from my parents and the result has been to put even more pressure on me and my family as they have got older and needed support. This is something I don’t think she intended to do but that has really caused a great deal of stress and resentment on my part.
if it doesn’t have wider repercussions for other people you care about then maybe go for it - does she need any support in terms of looking after herself/ managing her affairs? If so maybe just leave her with some contacts such as care agencies/ Social services before you disappear for your own piece of mind….

OP - it must have been a tough decision to come to this. You are not alone and it is difficult to talk about this in real life as estrangement from parents is a taboo subject and not something a lot of people can understand much less support you with. What matters is that you are not happy and your happiness and well-being is being compromised by your mother.

For me, it took a tragedy that I would never wish on anyone, for me to finally go from low contact to NC with my parents. It was not an easy decision, but at the lowest point of my life I realised that my parents and sister still only really cared about themselves and I was only there to serve them and they cared f* all about me.

Things I found helpful (in no particular order):

1. Realising that I was not the problem and was not alone
2. The support from the Stately Homes thread on the Mumsnet relationship board
3. A good therapist (who incidentally did not encourage me to go NC nor discourage it)
4. Dr Ramani on Youtube
5. Insight Exposing Narcissim Podcasts by Helen Villers and Katie McKenna
6. Reading this book on emotionally immature parents

I don't regret going NC with my parents and sister at all - only that I didn't do it sooner. However, there are times when I really miss having a mum and extended family - but I am coming to the acceptance that I am grieving the family I should have had and not the family I was unlucky enough to be born into. That said, I have learnt to be a very different mum to my own children and I have a really good relationship with them - not perfect - but we actually talk and enjoy each other's company.

Thankyou very much , that's insightful and I'll look up your reference points . She has been texting me as if nothing has happened but after a lifetime of her shitty behaviour I'm not prepared to carry on like this . She has had someone to focus her vitriol on for her whole life and know there is no-one else left she's turned it on me . In the cold light of day I'm going to try LC first so I'll take her to the shops once a week and that's it . If the shouting / screaming starts then that'll be it .