How do you stop worrying about independent OAPs

[whatdoyousayhey]

My DGP was admitted to hospital prior to Christmas, spent a few days in hospital and is now home alone having declined any care package.

I was the one they called when they were ill so had to drop everything to rush to them, the problem is I’m 2 hours away. They are refusing any help, even local charities that pop in for tea and a chat. I might add that I still drive to them and shop fortnightly and whilst there is family closer nobody has offered any support (which is well within their right)

Will I ever get over the worry of the next time they call, and how do I manage with them still wanting to live independently?

What does your DGP have to say about this, and why they are refusing carers and other local support?

They say they are fine by themselves although I suspect it’s because they don’t want to pay for it (completely affordable to them), and don’t want to be forced into a home.

i have told them our aim is to keep them at home as long as possible but it’s just a firm no. They do have a local lifeline but of course don’t want to put anybody out by pressing it.

its just been emotionally draining, im constantly sat at home worrying they have fallen etc but what else can i do?!

I don't understand why you had to drop everything?

Surely they've made their own decisions so the consequences are theirs to own?

Ask why they think it's ok to put you out, instead of seeking support from those people whose job it is - those who are close at hand, trained and have all the resources and contacts to make sure they get prompt help when required.

Yes, appreciate this and you’re right I just feel an overwhelming sense that I need to help.

I think I’m feeling the pressure because it feels like it’s all fallen to me

I understand the pressure you're feeling, but for your own sake and that of your DGP you need to bat this back to them. Ask them, as they've declined the care package, what their plans are for when they need help - because you are too far away to be able to provide that support and you need to know what they intend to do. It's their life, their responsibility, they need to make plans.

This is a great take on it actually, will bear this in mind.

It sounds like you’re becoming indispensable and so you may just have to accept you will be worried all the time.

how independent is independent?

My independent OAP would WhatsApp me her Wordl score each morning so I knew she was up and about

And learned to bank and shop online and use CheckATrade

This has really helped, thank you!

Prior to this they were taking themselves shopping on the odd occasion, collecting fish and chips.

since they’ve come out they are refusing the leave the house. I do get a message every morning so I know they’re up!!

They say they are fine by themselves although I suspect it’s because they don’t want to pay for it (completely affordable to them), and don’t want to be forced into a home.

Totally reasonable. But then they should be able to get their shopping ordered online and delivered or pop to the local shops with a trolley and get what they need every few days.

This. I is very hard, but you have to live your life as well. When my parents gt to this stage, my sister was closest and got called on: it took the other siblings making the point that she couldn't carry on to help my parents see they needed to move closer if they wanted local support (we were lucky all they really needed was someone dropping in regularly - once they were in the same town, that worked for everyone). It was really hard for my sister to admit she couldn't support our parents - are there other people who can help reinforce that this is unfair n you? Then you don't have to be the only person forcing the issue.

I have experience of these issues in more than triplicate, and I think you just have to take a step back and make yourself worry less.

Thanks for the advice, it’s been a tough couple of weeks and my (work) life goes back to normal tomorrow.

Im going to have to be firm with them otherwise I can see it becoming a much bigger issue. I’ve probably made a rod for my back the past couple of weeks but I’m going to have to have a serious conversation with them.

Could they get one of those alarm things set up which links to a falls service and a pendant thing?

I'm in a similar position OP, it's hard. Baby steps might be easier. Try suggesting they ring you with shopping and you do it online and get it delivered to them, to start?

Do they understand that the quickest route into a home is if they refuse outside help, do something daft and break a hip? A catastrophic injury in your 80s (assumed as you said elderly), is usually the cause of loss of independence. They need to accept help to enable them to maintain that independence.

BTW I am live in carer for my elderly parent in their 90s. They maintain they can cope perfectly well on their own. They cannot. If I wasn't here, the house would be a hovel, they would be filthy and starving. My experience with other aged rellies too is that they are in total denial about their abilities.

Be aware that the more you do, the more they will expect. Step back whilst you can and work out how much you are prepared to do. Then speak to them.

Honestly guys you have all helped so much, I think I knew what you have all said but I’ve felt the pressure to do more.

Ive had a quick chat with them tonight to tell them I’m working tomorrow and they have their lifeline / GP / 999 on hand should anything happen and that I can’t drop everything. I felt like a complete cow but at the same time like a weight has been lifted.

If you think about it it's probably helpful though because if you continue it is just kind of enabling their behaviour

I found it helped to think of it as building their resilience. If they're dependent on you to sort out every problem, what happens when you can't be there? Because no one can ever be always available. Even if you never booked another holiday, or never left the country, or didn't have to work, at some point you'd catch flu, or Covid, or sprain an ankle or your car would fail its MOT and you wouldn't be able to go. Possibly not for weeks.

Making them look towards other forms of assistance means they've got a better support network for the future and they're getting used to receiving help from others.

Good luck!

Agree that you need a tough conversation. Dont stand for any nonsense. They will likely fib as to what they can do because you are doing it! When I was trying to get my Mum to move closer she claimed she was fine (she wasn’t!). I asked her what would happen if she needed a new boiler and some changes to her current heating set up. She was about to say she would call me (!) and then said she would probably carry on with no heating and just use her gas fire.

I joke not..

2 hours drive away is too far to be a reliable source of help for an elderly person. A frank conversation is needed now before things deteriorate.

I have sent my mum stuff like age uk info in the post something like that might be useful for them.