Mum upset at my useless and selfish brother

[CaptainAwkward]

My DM is 90 and lives independently, only a couple of streets away

She’s been a fantastic mother. My father was an alcoholic abuser and she tried many times to leave and did her best to protect me. He’s been dead nearly 20 years thank fuck.

I have a much older brother who’s now in his 70s (I’m on my 40s) from her first marriage

DB has always been a ‘head in the sand’ type of man. And selfish too but more in a thoughtless way, not malicious

He lives 200 miles away with his second wife and works part time

I’ve come to accept that he’s neither use nor ornament when it comes to supporting DM but it really upset her last night when she spoke to him on the phone

I care for DM and it’s been a ‘reap what you sow’ situation as she’s always been a great mum and friend as well as grandmother so I don’t mind doing that

The sort of practical woman who’d come over and help when the kids were younger if I was unwell, provide a safe place for the GC to go and chat about anything (and be sent home with at least 3578 biscuits) and she’s always been open minded and supportive and incredibly funny and kind

She basically went through so much shit to bring my brother up. Widowed as a teenager with a newborn and often went without meals to make sure he ate, supported him in education and his career, jumped on the first train to help him and his lovely ex wife when they had kids etc

Bit of a saga there but I wanted to give background to show that she’s been a good mother and human to both me and DB and did her best to protect us both in our different but difficult childhoods

Anyway, she’s been in tears this morning at how DB hasn’t visited since early last year and basically been completely selfish. She was actually more hurt that he wasn’t bothered about helping me to support her cos she’s always worried about being a ‘burden’ to me, bless her

He rang her and basically went on about his cold/ailments showing no genuine concern or recognition of the shit she’s going through

There’s loads of examples of DB being completely thoughtless re her and he’s very much an ‘out of sight, out of mind’ type

He’s never once asked if I need any help with anything for her. Never asked if she needed things like support with meals/cleaning/hospital appointments/day to day stuff that he could send cash for or arrange or shown interest

She’s a housebound disabled 90 year old woman who’s bent double in pain most days and has had horrific trauma throughout her life but still has empathy for people and would give her (albeit riddled with osteoarthritis nowadays) limbs to help the people she loves

He’s the same with his adult DC and GC (who are all completely different than him in that way)

I suppose I’m asking for advice how to help mum with this? She said it was a kind of grieving she was feeling for the son and relationship that she thought she’d have (and rightly deserve)

I’ve given up on any hope of him stepping up but I’m half considering sending him an email stating how bloody poorly DM is and the level of care she needs and what I actually do. It might be cathartic for me/DM

We don’t really have much of a relationship due to the age gap, I’m much closer to his DC so feel like there’s nothing to lose?

Thanks for letting me rant

Eugh. I recognise that type of man so well. Self-centred and amoral, only out for himself.

It's significant that he's divorced.

I don't think you can appeal to the conscience of a person who doesn't have one, sadly. You mention his kids/ GC and that you are 'close' to them, it's unclear whether you mean age-wise or that you get on well. It sounds as if your family will just have to pull together for the sake of your mum and leave him out in the cold. You can ask him to help with practical matters, but he'll probably fuck everything up, miss deadlines, miss payments and overall make things ten times worse.

Sorry, he sounds a selfish twat. At least his wife recognised that.

Thanks

Yeah, I’m very close in age to his DC so more like cousins/siblings than my DNs

They also live even further away but make sure to ring and visit DM and contact me too about her

His first wife (mother of his DC) is a wonderful woman too and, tbh, he didn’t deserve her

DB also, when his DC were teenagers, moved in with his now wife with no notice thus kicking the college aged kids out of their home. So there’s been a lifelong pattern of selfishness

When my DM found out this she actually changed her will.

Brother assumes he’ll get 50% of DM’s very modest estate when the time comes (unless it’s used for care costs)

DM changed it to 50% to me and the other half split 4 ways between DB and his three DC. He hasn’t a clue

I wouldn't expect any support from him and it’s not worth getting upset about. He’s getting older - he is in his 70s and lives 200 miles away - maybe his health and energy are depleted now. If your mum really wants to see him again then you could invite him or take her to see him.

I suppose I’m asking for advice how to help mum with this? She said it was a kind of grieving she was feeling for the son and relationship that she thought she’d have (and rightly deserve)

she sounds very self aware so maybe go along with it as a kind of grieving process? And try to get to a point where she can make peace and accept the situation for what it is without too much sadness.

I wouldn't even bother, he is too thick headed to even care. Continue looking after your lovely mum and when the time comes don't even bother to call him, let his children tell him if they can be bothered.

I have invited him but it’s always ‘it’s sooo hard to visit’

He’s like this with his DC and GC though so expected now.

I know he’s cracking on but he’s ex military/police and still working part time (because of his foolishness handling of his pensions and money)

DM’s spine is basically a letter S now. She’s in agony each day with fractures regularly appearing as well as being 90. Being in a vehicle for a long time is painful and she’s housebound

She did make the staff who were x-raying her laugh recently. She was in agony during positioning for it but managed to ask ‘please don’t say this means my pole dancing career is over’ 😂

I think I’m just after solidarity here and a way of helping her and her disappointment regarding DB?

Sounds like you are doing a great job as a daughter. Being a sounding board for letting your mother express her sadness about one of her children is bittersweet; unfortunately not all our adult children turn out great (though you would never know that on Mumsnet). Some adult children are a disappointment, and some are worse. It can be a genuine sadness when you don’t have the relationship you hoped for with an adult child, but there are no guarantees in life. One has to find a way to accept the sadness, and it sounds like your mother is doing just this, even though it must be hard. It’s wonderful she has you though ❤️ and good relationships with others in her family.

I believe just listening to her and empathising is helpful to her; there isn’t really anything you can “do“. As adults, we have to learn to accept the disappointments in our life and it sounds like your mother is just expressing hers.

Your mum sounds amazing @CaptainAwkward

I have a similar situation with a sibling who lives abroad. You can't make your brother love and support her like you do.

I resent my sibling, who could do so much more even from a distance. But he isn't going to, and I can't make him. I'm sure he loves them, but when he does visit (every couple of years) he doesn't know how to talk to our parents and they have no common ground - he just wants to get away again.

It's very sad but you probably can't change this. I'm sorry though. It's painful.

There was another thread recently about siblings and I was told on that thread that no one owes anything to their parents and whatever care we provide to them is a choice. Personally, that doesn't sit well with me, but it does show another perspective. Perhaps your brother is of this view.

I’m normally very much in agreement with the sentiment of adult children not owing care to their elderly parents

I do, however, believe that he’s got the same ‘out of sight, out of mind’ mentality with his own adult DC too

DM’s own mother was an abusive horror and my mum felt guilted and obliged to look after her. DM has always told me that she doesn’t expect me to care for her but she knows I do because she’s been such a good mum and friend to me

DM is also very aware and talks about the misogyny around expecting women to fulfil these roles and society giving men an easy ride re caring

I suppose I’m asking for advice how to help mum with this?

She was actually more hurt that he wasn’t bothered about helping me to support her cos she’s always worried about being a ‘burden’ to me,

Help her by reassuring her she is not a burden. Nothing you can do about a selfish brother, at age 70 you can’t change him

Just to add: it’s not all perfect with me and DM. She gets on my wick sometimes and I annoy her loads!

Still have the countless elderly parent issues and we’d kill each other if we lived together (even though she’s stayed for weeks at a time after hospital admissions and illnesses)

I suppose it’s like any relationship though, if the foundation and graft had been put in over the years then you have a lot more good will ‘banked’

I think I'd listen, hold her hand and after a bit of time very gently try to turn the conversation to good things associated with him - funny stories from his childhood, his lovely children, anything like that. I'm sure it's really painful for your mum so anything you can do to turn her mind from it a little would be good.

The only thing you can do is listen , sympathise , agree with her . Then change the subject . You can't force someone to care and he seems to not single out just his mother . Useless swine . Just reassure her that she is not a burden and it is OK to get irritated sometimes too. At her age she really doesn't have long left and you will be glad that you did your best for her.