Mum is always negative, depressed or passive aggressive????

[paul2louise]

Long story but try and keep brief. Mum and Dad split up when Dad met another woman. Mum met another partner but didn't remarry but was happy together till he died 3 years ago. My brother died unexpectedly when he was 30 which is 18 years ago. Mum is very negative about things. She was lonely and I moved her to a nice retirement complex near me where you have emergency call system but your own flat. She has made a lot of new friends from the flats and church. She has quite a lot going on socially
She is struggling a bit with mobility and can't walk far but gets out to friends and shops nearby and is partially sighted one eye low vision.
I know she has a lot to deal with. I had hoped she might consider something for her mood and help with anxiety but she won't take anything from doctor. She gets anxious over anything technical TV internet etc. Gets really frustrated. I sort all these things out for her. Helping her sell her house as she bought the flat from savings. So money is not an issue.
She will phone me up and get stressy with me about something not working like TV signal, internet not working. I got her a new big Smart TV when she moved. It's fine but it doesn't record TV like the old sky plus box she had in her house. She can't have sky plus or sky q in the flats and can only stream TV. So I got her a recordable Freeview box. Set it up for her while she was having a social get together with her friends in community room. I said ring me later when you get back to the flat.
She did, conversation starts with "why is my TV not working now, I can't get a picture. So I tried to explain she needs to switch both the TV and box on together. Anyway bla bla after a difficult conversation she says I just want to watch TV forget it I don't want to talk anymore.
I am just really fed up. She has been moaning for weeks about streaming TV on apps and wanted this option but goes all negative and switches into this negative person who I can't talk to.
I want to make her life easier. But everything is an effort. Same when I got her new phone, tablet and the smart TV was a nightmare at first.
I know technology is difficult for older people and do everything for her but I get so snappy too when she throws it back at me.

Right enough. I want to bite my tongue and hold my breath but I sometimes can't. Ok 2025 let's try and be more patient. I want to be a good daughter and I have no siblings to talk to about her for advice.

Thank you for reading x

You are so kind but I genuinely think you need to pull back. She sounds ungrateful and spoilt and it’s pulling you down.

if you pull back a bit and not get involved she might show you more respect. But I understand If it’s only you then it’s tough and you would feel guilty

On technology, my mother is/was like this. I explained things several times and it just didn’t sink in. She would get quite annoyed with me about it, kinda blaming me, and I got fed up of explaining things and demonstrating things over and over! In the end I just refused to do it anymore - so she doesn’t use her laptop, iPad or most of the apps in her phone. There’s nothing else I can do, that’s just the way it is.

It is age to some degree (and a dose of entitlement?), and perhaps cognitive issues or even very early dementia - learning new things becomes much more difficult. She wanted an air fryer recently which I bought. I’ve shown her several times but she just can’t manage it!

As for the general negativity issue, I don’t mind too much within reason about some of the struggles in life (though she actually has it pretty easy). However, I have been clamping down on any negativity or criticism directed at me, as that is completely unacceptable as far as I’m concerned and so I change the subject or close down the conversation very quickly. Have you tried doing things like that?

It goes with the territory in old age unfortunately, in many people. She's got sight and mobility issues which must be depressing, she's got ongoing grief over your brother, and also facing her own mortality. And possibly a bit of cognitive decline. Older people can have very slight strokes/TIAs, some not even diagnosed, which can lead to cognitive issues and personality changes too, my late father was a bit like this, becoming very snappy and a bit unpleasant at times where he wasn't previously, and was always 'knocking off' his TV settings despite it being the simplest TV in the world.

Thank you for your replies. Mum seems happy with new recordable box for now. I think what I want to know or get reassurance is how I handle future occasions like this as they are going to happen. Do I say nothing let her rant and then offer to help when she is calmer. But by saying that she could get more wound up. I sometimes say very little and then drop what I am doing and go straight round. But not before we have difficult discussion about how it doesn't matter and you can come now it's late, too dark etc. But then I am.left feeling frustrated and not able to help. Otherwise I did tackle this occasion slightly differently. I told her to stop talking and let me talk. Then explained how it worked. She was still not happy but I got her off the phone and it gave her time to have a play herself and get it sorted. I went round to see her this afternoon and it's working fine. She just flaps and panics and gets everything out of proportion and then beats herself up or says I am too old for all this.
The other option is to not answer the phone immediately but let it ring then reply by text or WhatsApp I missed your call then I can maybe diffuse the tension first before I speak to her. I think it tends to happen more when she phones or if I am physically in same room talking to her.

Neither my DM or MIL can manage any form of technology. We long ago gave up expecting them to.

BIL bought MIL an Alexa for Christmas. We thought this was hilarious and indeed she had broken it in under 24 hours.

We just stick to things that are very very simple. They don't do catch up TV, they don't have smart phones, tablets or anything which will just generate panic.

Keeps all of us happy.

I’d be slightly less available - she’s got used to using you as her instant responder to anything that causes her the slightest difficulty. She is being selfish and unreasonable; selling her house must have been a massive job for you and you deserve some peace now.

I dread getting older and having to deal with constant updates on laptop/phone which I didn't ask for.
My poor old mum used to watch tiv and record it (mostly Morse) on her video recorder then watch it again later for the bits she fell asleep during or if she hadn't followed the story properly - then we went to streaming - she never got back to where she'd been with the video recorder.
My poor DB with dementia could manage to put on a dvd but anythig else was beyond him, too many buttons that he couldn't remember.
An old fashioned tv with an on off switch had its good points.

DM has been technology avoidant for about 30 years. DF tried to embrace technology in his 70s and did evening classes in basic computers for silver surfers and got to the point he was happy texting me and DB and Skyping the grandchildren, and only struggled after his strokes. However DM got in the mindset that she couldn’t understand when he tried to show her, which was possibly a very early signal in her dementia which didn’t really become an issue until three years ago when suddenly everything in the house “wasn’t working”. She struggled to use the washing machine, the microwave and even got to the point she couldn’t change the channel on the tv any more.

The only technology I bought that was a success was a landline phone that has big pre-programmable buttons. I put our photos in each one and she was happy that all she had to do was pick up the handset and press our face to speak to us. She couldn’t manage the (simple) cordless phones they’d had for years.

In my work, I often write user guides or create videos for a range of people, including the elderly. I find this group mostly benefits from photographs of items and brief bullet-point explanations. Some users download the guidance, print it out, and keep it in handy folders to refer to. Would you consider taking photographs and creating a file for gadgets and electronics, using the Easy Read method as inspiration?

Is it possible that her panic/emotional reaction is fuelled by fear on her part - i.e. the getting old, not understanding, worry that it is the start of dementia? One approach next time could be to get to the bottom of what she wants when she calls you - does she want to rant or to have something “fixed”, if so who does she want to fix it (does it have to always be you for example), and is it urgent?

With my mum, what worked when she wasn’t too bad was sympathy using grey rock language (“Oh dear mum that sounds frustrating/a nuisance”) and a promise to have a look at it on my next visit. I think the last time I did a “drop everything and go now” fix was when the pilot flame in the boiler blew out, which it’s always been susceptible to in very strong wind from the wrong direction. When she started having carers, it made my life so much easier as they did all those kind of checks and were able to reassure her that yes the heating was on and working ok. But something “going wrong” with the house has become a big trigger for anxiety and making her symptoms a lot worse.

As for DM ranting at you - I honestly don’t know what’s best. Can you distract her with a comment or question about how her friend, sore foot, neighbour, the weather is after she has had her rant in the hope she calms down and will willingly wait to see you on your usual visit day.
Is there anyone else she could turn to -it’s hard that it’s always you.

Id pull back a bit, you are doing allsorts to make her happy but you cant make another person happy thats on them. I was like this with mine, constantly worrying and if she uttered any kind of distress I’d be over there trying to make it right. You can’t. I’ve stepped back loads. You are just tech support to her. I do think the tv is too complex , if she’s not tech savvy then she’d be better with something basic. But also ringing you is easier than even trying to sort it herself. My mum is the same, any paperwork she won’t even try and look at it.

if she is venting then end the call, say mum I’m going now ring me when you are in a better frame of mind. Is she as negative with others or just you as she expects you to take it?

Thanks again. I suppose the problem is now that I moved her too be closer so I could take her to appointments and help her with things. She was lonely and had maybe one or two friends that she only saw occasionally. She is now in a complex and has made a good few friends and has quite a lot of social stuff going on. She is very switched on no dementia symptoms as her partner had this and she is very aware of how he got confused and forgetful. She just gets wound up and it's the silly little things.
She was fine yesterday and she is out with friends now. I just need to be better at dealing with the next occasion or outburst. I know she has eye test on Monday which I have said I will go to so that's probably the next tricky occasion as I know she will be anxious about this

This she is an adult. You are not a punch bag.