Mother lives with us but becoming increasingly hard work

[Mumofboys2006]

Hi I’m just going to pour my heart out here in case anyone can suggest something helpful.
My dad passed away in 2018 which meant my mother was on her own through Covid lockdowns. Just before in early 2020 we were discussing her moving closer to us - all very sensible but it never happened. I ended up driving down to see her, an hour away, every week as my sister has zero interest in helping. She coped very well but it was exhausting for me, so when we could we started looking at flats again but then I stupidly suggested she moved in with us, as her suggestion was we all looked for a bigger house so she could have an annexe. She just didn’t want to be on her own in a new town after having lived by herself for two years during the lockdowns and so soon after my dad passed away. I couldn’t move at that point as my son was about to sit GCSEs and it all sounded so disruptive.
A few years in and she’s becoming increasingly demanding and selfish while also getting a lot frailer. She contributes financially but it’s the constant demands and not being happy with what we are eating and wanting to cook different food for herself (her eyesight is now very poor so cooking becomes tricky) even when I have visitors here. She’s pretty much deaf now and uses a trolley wheely thing to walk about outside, which she still insists on doing. She has a carer come a few times a week but is just an all round demanding needy person and it’s driving us all insane!
I work as does my OH and we don’t really have the time for her constant demands by virtue of the fact that she’s constantly here!
As far as I can tell she doesn’t have dementia but just acts like a toddler, for example refusing to eat when I have an argument with her. It’s exhausting. She’s incredibly manipulative.
I need to know how I get her move into a care home? Is there anyone I can access to speak to her about it? Because she doesn’t have dementia it would need to be of her free will and I know she will refuse!
What do I do? I’m so exhausted!

Does she have a Social Worker ?

No she doesn’t. Should she have one?

Ah OP that sounds very very difficult

she may not need a care home. Sheltered housing with carers coming in might be a possibility but you have to get social services involved. They can then assess her needs and you can start from there

it’s really sad for all of you that it’s come to this but you need to be really really clear with social services that she can no longer live with you

It sounds as if it's just possible she could still cope in something like 'extra care housing' or even in the right sheltered housing, probably with additional care. But right now I'd say why not see if she would agree to a respite stay in a nursing home so you can all have a break from each other?

A lot depends on the financial situation. Is she self funding with plenty of cash to throw at this, or would she need social services to fund it and find housing?

Thanks all. Yes she has enough cash even to go into assisted living - we have one literally at the end of our road but it needs to come from someone else. We decided against it initially as they’ve become so difficult to sell.

Whats the best way of getting in touch with social services? Is it through the GP?

it’s really difficult as she’s always been so capable and independent and she still wants to make all her own decisions!

No you can just ring thrn directly at the local authority. No need to go through GP.

You can’t really tip toe round this, you’ll have to be upfront that it’s not working out and everyone is unhappy.

Don't know where you are in the UK but in NI, assisted living is available from social housing providers. Isn't this the case elsewhere? You don't have to buy a unit, which sounds a seriously bad idea anyway. Social worker should be able to advise, they have input into the assessments.

The problem is that SS can assess her needs but can't make her do anything as she has capacity, she can live where she likes. They can't make her move out because she's demanding and needy, only you can do that. If you want her to move out you are going to have to tell her that she can no longer live with you as it's just not working any longer.

Either that or you take a major step back emotionally as it sounds like you are enabling her to behave like a spoilt child. So if she chooses not to eat then that is her choice and you leave her to it. Don't allow her to manipulate you.

Be careful with buying at the assisted living place because you may have to go on paying high fees for the place even after her death if you are unable to sell it. It's a bit of a nightmare all round unfortunately.

I agree with this and before it ruins what is left of the relationship. My mother became really demanding, she had always been selfish and manipulative. I was NC a few years before she passed, I couldnt take anymore.

You just put your postcode or town into this and it brings up social housing for the elderly. https://housingcare.org/. We found AL for my mother this way. Unfortunately it can be a short stay with many elderly people, another reason why buying is a bad idea.

Just be aware that extra care is different from sheltered housing, it's quite a bit more help.

Yes you have to speak to her. If you ask her if she wants to go into a care home she will say no but if you tell her she has to leave she might decide she wants to go into a care home. You need to be a lot more blunter with her all round. How old is she?

Yes I agree with this. Tell her how you are feeling, tell her the truth.

She needs care needs assessment from a social worker - you can refer directly through your local authority.

Did she invest money in the annexe? That could be seen as a deprivation of assets.

It sounds like she gets furious with you at even just the basics if living together, so I'd take the hit on her being furious in the short term at arranging for her to move out. Keep visits to the weekly arrangement you used to have, and accept that she's a general grump regardless so you might as well get her set up in an extra care scheme.

Your DH/Partner must be a saint to put up with this! What would happen if you and DH/partner went away on holiday for a weekend or a week? Would she be able to care for herself? You mum sounds just like a relatives mother. Stubborn, rude and denied she needed any help. My relative went on a short trip, and it became apparent how much help and support the mother needed.

Did you eventually move and does your mum now live in a separate annex- or is she in the main part of your home? Does she have hearing aids? Her frustrations might be just lack of hearing, or something more. Would she let you go to the GP with her? I'd be asking for a mini mental assessment which is a very rough indicator of memory, and could possibly lead to a geriatrician review if the scores are low. If she won't allow you to go along, I'd ring the practice manager with your concerns, and ask if an appointment could be made for a 'check up' and hope the message gets through that you'd like a cognitive assessment done.

Might be drastic, but if your children are older, could you downsize and then there is no longer room for your mum to stay?

Thanks all- really helpful.
I’ll get in touch with social services and speak to the GP.
its very complicated. I have always been so close to my mum but it’s way too much to have her in the house 24/7.
Thank you again 🙏🏼