I feel emotionally wrecked by my father's gruef

[InkHeart2024]

I have been trying to process this for days and it's still driving me mad. Maybe this will be a good place to get it out. My mum died in October. She was with my dad for 50 years. She was a truly wonderful person. Didn't suffer fools but was so kind and patient and just great. Many times through my life I thought she should have left my dad. He was at times emotionally abusive, though he was also very loving a lot of the time and loved my mum a lot.
My dad is a complicated and difficult person. I've had countless arguments with him throughout my life and he is responsible for a lot of the unhappiness I've experienced in my life. But again, he can also be fun, loving and supportive. He had a crap childhood but has no insight into how that affects him.
Anyway since mum died my siblings and I have rallied around him. He's barely been left alone. I've taken less responsibility for spending time with him than my 2 brothers as they have less fraught relationships with him but I hosted Christmas. Usually mum and dad would host. So I did it, at great effort, to try to make everyone happy, especially my dad. In doing this I fucked up and let my husband down. He's ND, burnt out from working too much and was never going to cope with so many visitors and people in our house. Also my dad swapped his staying arrangements with a brother without telling me, done with good motives but it meant he was in my spare room for 5 nights. I've not spent 5 nights in the same house as him since I left home 25 years ago.
basically my dad developed a problem with DH. DH didn't do anything apart from be ND and detached from the group. But dad doesn't get ND and there must have been some other stuff going on in his motivation too. He was angry with my DH and picking at him about something. Maybe money (he brought up my will a day or so earlier) or maybe as my DH thinks it's jealousy that he has his wife (me) and my dad lost his. It resulted in my DH leaving the house for 2 days and not saying goodbye to dad. Dad feeling remorseful but incapable of apologising. I don't want DH to have to spend time with someone who makes him feel bad but I also want him to be the bigger man and put it past him. And underneath all of this is a crushing sadness and shame and responsibility for my dad being so lost and miserable. He's a sad, lonely, grieving old man. He's out of his depth in the world without mum. I have been trying for days to work out why I feel responsible for my dad's feelings. I don't understand it. But it's triggering so much for me. Related to childhood, my emotionally abusive previous marriage, and my own grief. I don't know how to resolve this or how to stop feeling so desperately sad and crushed about my dad's sad face. One sibling is going to stay with him tomorrow for 2 weeks so I will have a reprieve from the guilt I feel about him being by himself. But after that I don't know. And my Dh doesn't want to see him, which I know is fair, but also feels like he's not supporting me when I need him. I feel so dreadful about all of it.

I don't really expect any answers from anyone. Thank you for reading if you have. I just need to process what I'm feeling and I hope that by writing it out I might make some sense of it.

Being widowed is incredibly difficult, being angry, scared, lonely and bitter can cause people to act horribly-no excuse I know!-but having been widowed this year I can tell you it’s a horrible time.
I know you are all grieving but it sounds as if your dad is really struggling, he does need to find an outlet though, rather than leaning so heavily on you and your siblings that it affects your relationship and the one with your partners.
Is there is a social prescriber in your area/attached to his GP surgery? They can be a wealth of knowledge and can signpost to outside support, widow meet up groups etc.

Would your dad speak to someone for bereavement support? It might also help you, you are not responsible for your dads feelings.
https://www.cruse.org.uk

So sorry for your loss

Thank you, that's so kind. I'm struggling now with what's grief and what's his personality, and how grief is spotlighting the bad parts. I'm also struggling with the lack of boundaries for myself that I used to put in for my own mental health - never visiting on my own, never staying longer than 3 nights etc. I don't feel like I can do that now.

I wish he would go to the doctor. But the doctor was the one who didn't refer my mum for cancer investigations for a year :( and he's too angry to go. He has trauma around the hospital too now, which is difficult as he's not well himself. Sorry for your loss also. I know his loss is different to mine. Losing your mum is devastating but it's part of the circle of life as it were. Losing your life partner is a different loss.

Right. You are your husband’s only wife, in his home. Your dad has your two brothers and his own home.
Your husband must always come first in his own home and in your priorities, unless he is a dick.

You lost your only mum. That counts too. Sadly all too often men sunk in grief replace their wife- with a new woman, or with a handy female relative who will step in and double up as housekeeper/household appliance.

Wake up. Be nice to your dad, but not at the expense of your husband! Especially as it’s clear that grieving or not, your dad is a dick.

And he isn’t jealous of your husband for still having a wife, he resents your husband having a claim on you.

In all honestly I think your Husband is the unreasonable one here. Your Dad is grieving, he has just lost his wife of 50 years. Grief is debilitating and Christmas stirs up and heightens so many emotions.

I understand your DH is ND however if he had an issue speaking to you about it and being polite to your Dad would have saved a lot of this.

Yeah I was thinking and uncomfortable as it is, I think his behaviour might have been a power play. Who would I side with. And stupidly I sided with my dad initially out of panic and I regret that.

He did try to speak to me to be fair. DH wasn't a dick in the moment. I think he's being a bit of a dick now by not getting over it, but that's part of his own family trauma (abusive dad) and his ND.

but yes, dad needs understanding. But how far do I have to take that? My whole nervous system is screaming at me that this isn't right. I can't get centred or balanced.

You need to back your husband here , no way that man should have felt he had no other option but to leave his home for 2 days. You said yourself your father was abusive ever before he was widowed. Clearly he's still abusive now and it's not acceptable.

If your dad didn’t want to celebrate Christmas with his extended family because he wasn’t up to it, he could have said so. He stayed 5 days- which is a significant visit. He didn’t need to be around everyone the whole time if it was hard for him to be nice. He doesn’t get to push your husband out of his home because he’s grieving. He invited himself to stay.

For context, I have my really difficult widowed mum every year, and DH is ND, so I do get it. But your dad behaved badly.

Two words - get therapy.

You are the grown child of an emotionally abusive parent. You are stuck in what is called FOG - fear, obligation, and guilt.

It's sad that your dad is now alone, grieving, etc. But you are processing your own grief too, and his grief and tendency to bite the hand that feeds him are his problems to sort out, not yours and not your husband's.

No, your husband does not have to be the bigger man here. And no, you do not have to be the bigger woman here either. No medals will be given out at the end of all of this for putting up with people who won't learn how to get along with others they depend on. It's not your job to saddle up and take on the burden your mother carried for all those years.

Be a friend to your husband.
Be a friend to your marriage.
Develop the priority of ring fencing your own home. This will involve developing the ability to recognise where you end and other people begin (aka boundaries), something that is never encouraged in a family where one person has a personality disorder or is "difficult" or who makes sure the family becomes a group of satellites orbiting around him or her.

Please start today to look into therapy. You have a lot to unpack.

Online resources abound. I recommend the YouTubers Jerry Wise and Dr Ramani.

You should also look at this website:
outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/11/17/fog-fear-obligation-guilt

The books of Susan Forward about "difficult" parents and how they affect their spouses and children would be very useful for you.
Toxic Parents
Emotional Blackmail

Also
Gifts From a Challenging Childhood, by Jan Bergstrom

And
Co-Dependent No More, by Melodie Beattie

No he shouldn't - but it's not as bad as it sounds. DH went to his bolthole that he loves and had 2 days of peace that he was craving and needed. I'm not making excuses I'm just saying he wasn't exiled from his home. Actually he was dying for an excuse to leave.

Yeah he did. I am 100% on that and DH knows I am. He isn't cross with me, just wants to avoid any conflict again. 5 days wasn't my plan, I was far too passive while everyone around me made Christmas plans to focus on my dad. That was my mistake.

Your dad is grieving true, but it is up to him how to deal with this, to try and stick himself on to your life, and mistreat your husband in is own home is not okay.

My Grandad going back many years now, took himself off to Cruise which surprised me. Your dad is an adult man.

You and your husband should just talk stuff through at length and find a compromise your husband may well be also protecting you, i know mine has once we talked that is.

Thank you. I used to have boundaries! They have been eroded since mum died. I know I should get therapy but this might sound daft but I'm very conversant with therapeutic ideas and models through my work and I can usually puzzle things out myself with time (and DH, who has had loads). I need to find a place where I can reassert them whilst also supporting him and my siblings. I recognise everything you say and it's exactly what I would have done before. I am so grateful I have siblings to share the responsibility.

I can't tell you how grateful I am to 'talk' this over with you. It's been weighing me down for days. I am going to get ready to go out shortly but I will come back later or tomorrow. Thank you 🙏🏽

You have so much going on here.
But I think the saying 'you can't pour from an empty glass' is apposite. Look after yourself and don't feel the need to fill the void for your Dad.

Trust that instinct of yours, the one that is telling you that something happened that shouldn't have happened. It's the voice of younger you telling you you've been in this situation before.

The problem isn't your husband. He quietly and very firmly decided to act in accord with what was best for him to maintain his own equilibrium.

You dealt with the loss of your mum by taking on the family burden and letting your main (and proper) priorities fall by the wayside. Your father saw you falling into the familiar pattern and ran with it, confident that he could get away with imposing himself on the family.

Was his confidence justified? I think it was. From the outset you went along with entitled behaviour - deciding to stay with you and changing the previous arrangement was a power play you should have resisted.

My guess is you've been put in a position where you have had to choose your father over other priorities or personal interests all your life. I'd say you've been very used to the go along get along method of dealing with your father for so long that it's second nature to you.

But there is something inside you that wants you to stop letting yourself be rolled over by this tank.

but yes, dad needs understanding. But how far do I have to take that? My whole nervous system is screaming at me that this isn't right. I can't get centred or balanced.

Your nervous system is trying to protect you. It's trying to tell you that you don't need to be everything to your dad who wasn't everything to you throughout your life. It's trying to tell you, at the very least, to take a step back and concentrate on yourself and your own family.

I'm sorry for the loss of your mum . Have you been able to grieve for her at all or has your dad taken up all of your headspace?

@InkHeart2024

You do not need to take on the role of supporter of your dad or your siblings. In fact, you must not do this if you want to grow into your own power.

It will take a lot of strength for you to resist the temptation because familiar patterns are always hard to see and avoid.

The idea that you should support everyone is codependency rearing its ugly head.

Deal with your own grief. Do not take on the burdens of others. Get out of the FOG.

Learn to live the boundary life. Living it is different from having a cognitive understanding of what it is.

It will feel strange and new and unfamiliar to you when you decide not to take on the role of organiser of dad's birthday, organiser and host of Christmas 2025, organiser of dad's medical attention, house cleaning, garden, social life, etc. How strange and unfamiliar it all feels, how guilty and afraid of the new reality you create, will be an indicator of how deeply you are enmeshed with your mother's experience.

Focus on you, on your husband, on your marriage.

Christmas is over and you did your bit trying to help everyone. Grief affects everyone differently and you are also grieving your mum.
You have siblings. You can and should share the strain.

I think your DH did exactly the right thing at the time by gettting out of the situation and that probably prevented an even worse blow up. So in a way I would forgive him for that. Its worth having a chat with him when its all calmed down, its a two way thing - you can understand how he found it so hard, but now its all over a bit of support/TLC wouldn't come amiss.

Your Dad is grieving and you feel a lot of sympathy for him.
However, that doesnt stop him being a very difficult, rude person, who has been abusive in the past.
You are taking on all his burdens on your own shoulders. OK so he doesn't like the hospital, he has a grudge against the GP for various reasons. So he is making a stand by refusing medical treatment which he needs. You cannot make his misery make you ill.
Can you ask advice from someone like Age Concern for ways to help him. He sounds like he is struggling mentally. You can take some practical steps without taking on all the guilt that your Dad is creating. Eg.. a way of getting him seen by a GP and also some treatment for his mental issues.

There's no point everyone wringing their hands and saying I told him to go to the Dr but he said no, but a, b, c... He is at the stage where he doesn't want to deal with any of it and doesn't care if it descends into chaos.. So find a practical solution - he's not going to make any attempt, so you siblings have to do the research... maybe a different GP, make the appointment, maybe a home visit? Try getting all three of you together to discuss things with him, so its not just you tackling it on your own and being ignored or shouted at (great way to change the subject). I don't know what's available in your area but maybe Age Concern/social services will.

Can you get some grief counciling yourself and some advice on how to deal with this situation?

Finally, because its worth repeating, Christmas, the season of massive guilt tripping is over. Its been hell because you all missed your Mum but you got through it. It was never going to be perfect so Let it go. these things take time, but Christmas added extra stress.

You don't have to worry about that for another year.
You and your DH can get back to your normal routines, and breath a sigh of relief that you don't have your Dad staying for 5 days, and all the arguments.
Wishing you all the best. Don't forget to take care of yourself during this period. There are lots of adjustments, but take it step by step and try not to worry about what is too far ahead.

This. You can just say, "well, that didn't work so well, we won't do THAT again!" and let the upset fade with time.
The situation will be different next year.
If in doubt, you can just withdraw, or not respond, a bit, in various situations. It's unlikely to ever be a life-or-death-Dad-or-DH-about-to-electrocute-themselves type situation. And everything else can be safely neglected a bit.

OP the thing that struck me about your post was your concern about upsetting your DF and equally in turn upsetting your DH. You lost a mother you loved, in trying to help other people (hosting the family through their grief) you've not acknowledged your loss and your feelings. If you need to take time away from your DF, do it, you can't tie yourself up in knots trying to keep him happy. Take some time to think about you and your feelings.

Was your mum a facilitator? The person who kept everyone together, contained your dad’s worst behaviour, created the sense of family? It sounds really worthwhile, but actually it’s prioritising some people’s wants over other people’s. Most particularly, over her own. I mention it because it looks like you are being lined up to step into her shoes. Given responsibility for keeping everyone happy. Made the one who comes last in her attempt to please everyone else.

Resist.

I'm very conversant with therapeutic ideas and models through my work and I can usually puzzle things out myself with time

^. I’m very much like that too. I think it can be enough at times, even a lot of the time, somehow slowly working things out yourself you get there.

However, I believe other times a good therapist can be an important source of support and insight. (I found this recently when I decided I literally couldn’t deal with the burden of an issue all by myself anymore.)

You might not be at that point though.Only you can be the judge of whether therapy might be helpful to you now or not.

Thank you.
actually I have had space to grieve, up until Christmas I was doing ok and processing things. The season of massive guilt tripping as someone brilliantly put it has thrown everything off. Thank goodness it's over for this year!