Advice please - MiL declining, possible dementia...

[EnterFunnyNameHere]

I'm not sure how to handle this situation, so thought I'd see what others have done.

I have noticed my MiL seems to be "aging faster" the last couple of years, but also few events in the last few weeks (and in the news today about warning signs) have made me think she might be showing signs of dementia 🙁

I'm not sure what i should do, or how to handle this. I don't know if my DH or SiL have thought this at any point. I do know they have been saying they need to be a bit more active in terms of checking i with her so maybe they have... MiL is very independent, and lives alone, but I worry she is much more regularly getting herself very het up over not very much and is losing her ability to rationalise. As much as anything, this is not good when DH and SiL have to de-escalate and resolve non-issues for her, but makes me really worried about what she might do when these situations arise and she doesn't tell anyone how she's feeling for them to jump in. She also still drives, which I'm not sure is a great idea, and is pretty deaf which I find scary in terms of smoke alarms etc (I'm really not sure she'd hear/understand what was happening if one went off in the night for example).

But I'm not sure how to raise this with my DH or SiL... it sort of feels like "not my place" i suppose, and don't want them to think I'm being rude or mean. I also have no idea how any of us would raise something like this with MiL - she'd respond very very badly to that conversation which is obviously going to create bad feeling for no net gain! But if something happened which could have been prevented... it doesn't bear thinking about.

Has anyone been in this situation?

Do raise it with DH or SIL - “I’m a bit concerned about how your mum is doing at the moment, I’ve noticed she is xyz…” If they fob you off repeat once; if they fob you off again then drop it. She is their mum.

Deafness can cause a lot of problems - balance, driving, understanding and engaging with what’s going on. Hearing assessment and hearing aids are a much easier start point than dementia.

Unfortunately for many this kind of thing only gets sorted when a crisis happens - an illness, or a car accident, or fraud. A lot depends on your MILs attitude and insight.

Thanks @olderbutwiser

Agree with your points on deafness, she does already wear (expensive/good quality) hearing aids so I think that's as sorted as it can be.

It's more that when something bad happens (even minor things, just stuff not going to plan) she doesn't seem to be able to rationalise that it isn't a problem/can be easily sorted and gets into a total panic about it - and then can be a bit aggressive/rude with people (e.g. phoning up multiple times in a row to her kids at work, when they are able to pick up demanding they drop everything to sort said minor issue immediately, ignoring that they have jobs/kids etc).

You're right though that it often ends up being a big emergency that causes people to take action, and I'd really like to try and avoid that happening for all involved. I do think MiL would take any suggestion that she is not coping too well very badly, which makes it a lot harder all round!

With regard to the smoke alarm issue - you could suggest that she gets the fire brigade around to do a safety review. They can offer advice for the hard of hearing and perhaps provide some solutions - for example I think they offered my mother some sort of vibrating alarm that you can put under the pillow for night when the hearing aids are out.

That's a good idea - i might have to work out a diplomatic way of doing it though!

Some good suggestions above, but I'm not sure you can do more than that. Your DH and SIL acknowledging they need to check in your MIL more often shows they do realise there is an issue.

To a certain extent you have to let things take their course, especially when someone is like your MIL and refuses to accept there is a problem (which is very common). Until there is a crisis, there is a limit to what can be done, other than provide support where possible.

These type of problems are often concealed when the person still has a spouse living with them, because the spouse simply takes over. But as she's on her own she has to demand outside help which makes it a lot more obvious.

I think you're right, I'd just love to have a magic way to avoid the crisis 😞

@EnterFunnyNameHere
It often runs in families. My uncle’s father had dementia and then Alzheimer’s and then my uncle, too. They were the only two in that family I was acquainted with, but both were severely affected.
My aunt, for years, would laugh off my uncle’s symptoms — I think it was her way of coping because the reality is devastating.
For most people it’s just regular aging, but for some, it’s severe and uncompromising.
I hope your MIL is in the former group.
Sending love. ❤️

@EnterFunnyNameHere Early diagnosis and intervention are a factor.

Ideally get DH and SIL to ask her GP to refer her to the Memory Clinic. They will do tests both blood, and MRI scan as well as actual tests.

Hearing impairment can be a factor because it may lead to social isolation. Ideally upping social interactions and exercise which may slow down the progression.

Her mum was effected sadly, so that is a consideration.

I think the plus sides are she has a strong social life and that include exercising regularly. So hopefully that will help.

I think i just need to raise it gently with DH and let him take it from there - is get on well with SiL but not so much that I could really have that convo direct with her sadly - they live miles away so we don't see each other often enough to build a stronger relationship really.

Just be straight with your DH, no pussy footing about as if she does have dementia, the ability to air and discuss issues is really important. Regardless, aging sucks and how to handle things needs lots of pragmatic discussions, lean into having good communication when things are still relatively good.

That is good news that she is active.

I agree getting DH to understand the signs you have noticed and getting a diagnosis will help.

and is pretty deaf which I find scary in terms of smoke alarms etc Age related deafness often starts with high frequencies, which stops you understand speech because s,t and similar sounds disappear, but lower frequencies can be completely normal. One reason why people may not realise or accept that they have hearing loss.

You say MIL wears her hearing aids that aspect is already taken care of.

The diagnostic process for dementia would be the GP referring her to the memory clinic (there is likely to be a lengthy wait for an appointment) and then they would almost certainly want her to have an MRI. It seems extremely unlikely MIL would agree to participating in any of this. Quite often with dementia you have to accept there is little you can do.