PIL subtly declining

[Calmestofallthechickens]

I’ve just had a visit with my parents in law, and noticed a few things over the weekend that have made me worried about my father in law - things like having no road sense while driving, complete inability to plan/getting lost on a short journey home (from somewhere with ample transport options and taxis, while in possession of a smartphone), forgetting conversations from earlier in the day. It’s like he’s a 90 year old grandad who is losing his marbles!

For context PIL are early 60s, reasonable health retired early, financially comfortable, very codependent. MIL quite on the ball but FIL has always been a bit ditzy, there’s a weird dynamic where MIL bosses FIL about but also expects to be looked after and for FIL to do the practical things like driving; but they’ve been like that ever since I’ve known them. They still go out, see friends, go on holiday - although generally to familiar places as live in a very small town.

DH and I live quite far away, as does their other son, so we aren’t involved daily in their lives and so it’s difficult to know if things like the driving are happening regularly. I also don’t feel hugely comfortable telling my father in law ‘you aren’t safe to drive’ or similar, but equally I feel like ignoring it isn’t very responsible either.

What do people do in this situation? Do you just wait until they accept that they’re now ‘old people’ who will struggle with things they used to be able to do; or do you try and ‘address it’ and what does that look like when you are too busy/far away to actually practically support in any way?

You've noticed something that can't be unseen or brushed under the rug. I agree you can't do nothing about it and imagine if something happened to them driving you would feel so awful. If it was me I would either speak to them both or have a quiet word with MIL who seems to have more marbles than FIL. I think you could just be pretty honest and express what you've noticed and why you're concerned. Then leave it with them to potentially seek medical advice, at least you can be satisfied you've raised it but you can't control what they do with what you say to them! They're still pretty young to be that doddery so it sounds like it would be worth a medical check over...the confusion could be caused by anything from a UTI to a minor stroke or even Alzheimer's...I believe FIL will need to disclose certain conditions to DVLA who could suspend his licence.

Erm i am 62 and would not describe myself as “old”

I can advise this is not normal to have such apparent cognitive issue at his age.

I would chat to MIL see if she has noticed.

@Bannedontherun I'm just63 and me neither - OP - early 60s simply isn't 'old' - my father in law is a cracking driver still at 85

As they are not "old people", no you don't just wait until they accept they have become less than capable or well.

For context, DH and I are 63 and 64. Still working full time in professional jobs, juggling multiple balls with elderly mothers and other interests. Tomorrow morning I'm driving 115 miles to watch a play and stay overnight. Then to the South Coast on Christmas morning and back on Boxing Day. DH will be driving 220ish miles to his mother's.

If your FIL is as you say something is desperately wrong.

I'm 66 in a few weeks and far from old - doing a solo long distance hike abroad next year. If your PIL is like this it's medical not age.

Just wait until you’re 60 and some kid calls you an old lady. You and your titanium hip, @Calmestofallthechickens.
You’ll be the toast of the rehab center.
The Tooth Fairy and Santa are make believe.

To all the posters - apologies as I‘ve clearly been clumsy with words here - I am aware 60s isn’t actually old and old is not the right word to describe it. I mean their mentality/competence seems to have really declined to the point they need looking after. I’ve only noticed this directly with FIL but I don’t really spend much time with them separately (and for instance with the driving, FIL was saying ‘he just came out of nowhere’ and MIL was agreeing, whereas objectively it was clearly FIL at fault not the other driver.)

If they were actually old, it would be simple to say, you aren’t really up to this any more, but it’s a bit more complicated to say this to two not-actually-old people (who I don’t know particularly well). They do lots (see friends, holidays, hobbies) and physically are absolutely fine, but having spent a couple of days with them, I’m wondering how they manage to organise/do these things in their everyday life without mishap.

Well, dementia doesn't always just occur in the 80s+. I know of one woman who developed it at 58. He does need to be evaluated especially if he is driving a car. Short term memory/navigation problems are the first signs that something's not right.

https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/science/article/2024/aug/14/scientists-find-humans-age-dramatically-in-two-bursts-at-44-then-60-aging-not-slow-and-steady

There's an ageing cliff at 60, maybe relevant

I wonder though OP if he has stress, brain fog from long COVID, found it hard to concentrate on driving with the distraction of you there too, or actually from your description of him as always ditzy whether he has a lifelong attention and concentration difficulty that is masked by the co dependence (he outsources his concentration to MIL and relies on her prompts).

It's just as important to raise things like this if the age doesn't 'fit' tbh.

60 may not be old but it's not young either.

I'm wondering if your FIL is on a medication that is causing this and no-one has made the connection @Calmestofallthechickens

I worry about my dad (88) with regard to driving. He doesn't have dementia but his driving isn't great now.

My elderly parents live 300 miles from me, and he drives my disabled mum everywhere, including to hospital clinics etc. They live in a town but the bus stop is too far for my mother to walk to, and taxis aren't very reliable. When they do use them they get very stressed about taxis showing up at all, and then arriving at the destination on time etc. It's keeping me awake a bit.

"Drugs and Medications That Induce Dementia-Like Symptoms | BrightFocus Foundation" https://www.brightfocus.org/alzheimers/article/is-it-something-im-taking-medications-that-can-mimic-dementia