My grandmother is driving me mad

[Kmward36]

My grandmother is driving me mad and unsure what to do about the situation. For context she has 2 children ( my father and auntie) and 4 other children.

she separated in later life from my grandfather (due to having online relationships) and she has now sadly passed away. My father has no relationship with her due to this (was very messy and turns out she’d sent over £50,000 to people online). My auntie does see her once a week and calls her daily. the other 4 grandchildren call in and out sporadically but don’t actually do anything. We are all adults. Youngest is 28.

Its somehow ended up as my responsibility to take on most of her care. I work full time, have a husband, 4 and 2 year olds and I’m 8 months pregnant. It started off with the odd food shop and now its:

weekly food shops (which she doesn’t make easy. I’ve asked her to make a list by a certain day as she refuses to come to Tesco. When I call she’s never made it and demands I come back in a few days…then moans her shopping is late.

hospital appointments- I’ve taken 9 annual leave days for these. She won’t even entertain asking anyone else and in desperation I asked my auntie and she said no…

house cleaning. I go down twice a week for a few hours to clean. She refuses to hire a cleaner and I’ve told her I can’t continue but she just gets erratic and starts swearing and shouting.

I’ve had to block her on my phone temporarily as it was very overwhelming. Sometimes 30 calls a day and if I didn’t answer a very long voicemail. Even though I call 4/5 times a week. She thinks my phone isn’t working at the moment and has taken to running me down to most of her friends.

she’s never happy with any help. I bought pork pies that were too small last week, didn’t buy enough Christmas cards etc. it’s ruining my self esteem.

I’ve asked for help from my family and they all agree (except my dad which is fair enough) but never to anything. I asked my auntie to do a food shop for her a few weeks ago and she happily agreed. It was 17 days until she did it as she was busy (she doesn’t even work!).

I want to ditch it all but feel no one would step in!

I’ve asked social care for help but as she has capacity she’s turned down home help (and can’t even afford it after giving all of her money away 🤦🏻‍♀️). Same with the cleaner - she hasn’t got any extra money or savings.

any ideas before I loose my mind?!

Sorry, four other grandchildren

Drop the rope.

Honestly you have enough on your plate to do anything for her, if she has capacity then it is up to her or her children to sort.

If I were you, I'd say midwives have told you to take it easy so won't be coming for the forseeable future. Tell your gran, your auntie and your dad this and just look after yourself and your family.

You should enjoy the time with your children guilt free.

You have to step back and let her be open to SS assisting her if she needs it.

Seriously, you have only 2 options: keep doing what you're doing; or stop.

Just stop.

She hires cleaner or not. She has capacity to decide.
She doesn't get to con trol your life. You do.

Put yourself and your dc first.
Visit once a fortnight
Arran ge the cleaner
Do you have poa

Just stop now! No explanation required.

Out of interest, what did you mean to type when you said your grandmother separated from your grandfather and has now passed away? But she’s still driving you mad???

“she separated in later life from my grandfather (due to having online relationships) and she has now sadly passed away. My father has no relationship with her due to this”

Oh sorry, I meant that he wasn’t around to support her now with the house and chores. she keeps using his death as a reason she’s unable to do anything..but he left 8 years ago so no change for her since his recent death

Thanks everything, I think I needed confirmation that I wasn’t being a horrible person!

Stop being her servant and let her get on with it.

Good grief, even her own children don't want to help, why on earth is it falling to you with 2 young DC and so heavily pregnant?

As another poster said, claim to her and all your other family members your midwife has ordered you to slow down or will be out on strict bed rest. Just tell you DH to truth and enlist his support to stay strong when they all whinge to you. Suggest someone else helps her claiming pension credit and attendance allowance if she qualifies, both should help her cover costs of cleaner and other help. And suggest one does online shopping for her if they can't physically go to the shops.

And step back. They are all taking the piss and you need to think of yourself and your own kids.

As others have said, if she has capacity then it is up to her to sort stuff out, if she refuses and still has capacity then that is on her. Be interesting to hear how the badmouthing is received: 'my granddaughter with 2 kids and another on the way and who works full time, isn't at my beck and call' just makes her sound like a most self-involved individual.
Bet you are well organised, there is the saying: if you want something done ask a busy woman!
But she has two children and 3 other grandkids to get help from. Maximum you should be doing is 1/6th, and obviously none at all when you have your newborn. Keep firm, good luck!

I understand the guilt and feeling of obligation! It really does make things difficult to just call an end to. Even if your grandmother was appreciative and thankful for your help, it’s still too much for you to be managing and taking care of, and it’s completely unfair to expect it of you. The fact the rest of your family refuse to support her care and allow you to struggle is awful - easy for me to say as I know I’d find it extremely hard, but I think your best option is to be honest and firm with them all and explain that you cannot continue with helping your grandmother, it is too much on top of your own life which is about to get busier, and it’s making you ill. She has other family who could/should be helping out, if they don’t like your decision, they can gladly pitch in. I’m sure your grandmother would find means to accept external support once you’re no longer at her neck and call. And try not to feel bad about doing so - she isn’t your responsibility- yourself and your family are you priority and the majority of your free time should be enjoying that, not looking after someone who doesn’t appreciate it

I agree - drop the rope. As people have said, tell your Grandmother and all other family members that your midwife has said no more, and stop immediately.

Don’t waiver. Everyone will probably play ‘chicken’ and hold off helping as long as possible, hoping you will either break and step back in, or one of the others will. Don’t give in.

In 3 months you’ll see the essentials are getting done (probably not as well as you would do them, but at least you won’t be doing them!) and you’ll be annoyed that you kept this up for so long and it took you stopping and forcing the issue to sort it, especially when you were offering to keep doing some, but just have others help you bear the load abit.

In short, drop the rope now.

You have a new baby to think about. She has capacity and other relatives so she will find another way to manage. But she won't do that until you stop doing everything for her.

Your Dad needs to step up and take the responsibility on. How he can watch his daughter shoulder all the burden of his own mother is beyond me!!!

I’m beyond wow at all this. Tell her you’re ill (in a way you are as this is making you ill) and have a pregnancy/ new baby to attend to. Tell her she’ll have to make other arrangements for everything for now as a result - make it sound short term but actually stick to it with excuses for the future eg when you have a toddler !!! She will have to make other arrangements with her family, social services or buy in-care eg shoppers cleaners, taxis etc. That’s what I’d do.

ps. It’s quite interesting that you mention her constant complaining and criticising , e.g. the pork pies you bought were too small. And how it’s affecting your self respect. I really get it!

I see you say she has no money as she has giving it away to strangers online. However, she sounds like she would be eligible for attendance allowance. Suggest she applies for that. She sounds like a very selfish and self-centred old lady, and there is no reason on earth why you should be doing this stuff for her. As the saying goes, no is a complete sentence.

You have the perfect opportunity for escape right now. Tell everyone that your midwife has ordered you to rest for the sake of your baby (sad, I know that no one has considered your own health but there you go). I hope no one is expecting you to jump back up once you have a newborn! I didn’t leave the house for 2 weeks. They will have to do something. After a few weeks call social services and explain that you won’t be continuing with caring for her anymore and that she needs an assessment. In that time either your relatives would have picked up the slack or she would be self neglected enough to warrant minor help. It’s disgusting that your family are standing by while an 8 months pregnant woman is cleaning her house twice a week and taking her shopping, your father especially, please do not forget how much he has taken advantage of you. You are owed a heap of respect from these people not a ton of stress!

I also agree, you have to stop all of it. In totality. You have the perfect excuse too - say you’ve been put on bed rest. Then you’ll be busy with the new baby.
let her ask the others for help, if she starts to live in squalor then social services would probably get involved…