Difficult mother not coping with hygiene issues

[Whatamesswhatamess]

Background info is that my relationship with my 80 year old mother is very strained. She has always been very dishonest and manipulative, and often lies about the severity of her health conditions to illicit sympathy. This has been the case all of her life.
She has not been a good mother, I don’t like her, and I have no intentions of being her carer - even if that were geographically possible. It would be a disaster for both of us. I was neglected by her as child, and have little compassion for her current predicament.

I visited her a couple of days ago. She has bronchitis, and has also fallen and sprained her wrist. She owns an elderly dog which is lame, blind, deaf and doubly incontinent. For over 10 years she has refused to accept that the dog is toiletting inside the house regularly, and as a result her house smells like a urinal.

Things appear to have worsened considerably but I don’t know whether this is because she is ill and temporarily unable to cope.
I briefly saw inside her bedroom and the floor was covered in sheets, on which was a lot of dog poo. She has now admitted that the dog poos in the house, and that she has to clean up after him every morning, but there was a huge amount of poo suggesting that she is not cleaning it up each morning.
The smell was terrible - as you can imagine - and I have concerns about her sleeping in this environment, particularly with bronchitis.

She says the dog cannot go in a cage as this would cause him to cover himself in poo, which would be harder for her to clean.

I am not able to discuss any of this with her as she lies about everything, and we argue.
I don’t know what to do to help.
She generally refuses to go to her GP due to a mistrust of doctors.

She will not be parted from the dog.

Does anyone know whether I can flag her up to someone as a vulnerable adult who needs extra support?
She is on pension credit and I think gets attendance allowance, but currently doesn’t have anyone helping her, despite being encouraged to have a gardener etc.

Does anyone have a similar experience? Would social services see her for an assessment? Or do I notify her GP that she is vulnerable and needs a check? I considered contacting Age Concern but they don’t seem to offer an appropriate service.

Whatever I do will be met with hostility and condemnation, but it does seem as though she is not coping, although this may be a temporary situation.

Yes, she may well have the beginnings of dementia, but in all honesty her current behaviour is not particularly out of character.

Any advice would be gratefully received, but please bear in mind that I have good reason for not involving myself in this, beyond trying to find professional help for her.

You could try adult SS and the RSPCA. But if she has capacity then she can choose to live like this.

I would call Adult Social Care for an assessment. If they go to her house and find her bedroom covered in dog shit and her home smelling like a urinal I suspect they'll draw their own conclusions from that. No one in reasonable mental health would tolerate such a disgusting state of affairs. But then again, no one in their right mind would neglect a DC either. I'm sorry you had such a terrible mother OP

How old is the dog? Sounds horrendous… I think if it was me I’d try and take the dog to be put down…

Second. re RSPCA and Social Services. If she is not able to clear up after the dog, it is likely she is not feeding the animal properly either or taking it to the vet So there are welfare issues both for you mother and the dog.

It's probably helpful that you live at some distance. It helps to demonstrate that it is not possible for you to meet your mother's care needs.

This might be worth a try but she will likely acquire a replacement dog as soon as she is able to?
I'm so sorry that you are in this situation OP.

It sounds beyond awful. You could try and see what Age UK has to suggest. If you think the dog is neglected you could think about contacting the RSPCA.

I would love for the dog to be put down but it is her only companion and she will let it die in its own filth

Take the dog, poor thing doesn't deserve to live like that. It may be time to end its suffering, alternatively it may just need medical help and a proper home.

Leave your mother to her mess and health problems but help the dog.

Such empathy .
She may not even be walking the dog never mind letting him in the garden . He may well be unwell but it also might be no choice for him if he can't get out .

I’m 200 miles away so can’t do much, and I’m certainly not taking the dog. The dog is regularly taken to the vet by her and is well fed. It is a very old dog and would probably not cope with being rehomed.

Could you anonymously call the rspca out to her house?! I know it’s not all about the dog but clearly neither of them can live like that?!

She would normally take the dog for several short walks each day. And he is also let out into the garden regularly.

She is a very lonely and unhappy woman, and I don’t believe that she mistreats the dog.
She has been in denial about his toiletting issues for years, but the dog has been cared for.
I think the current situation is due to the dog’s worsening health, my mothers temporary illness, and her longterm questionable mental health.

The dog is 18

My problem is that I used up all my compassion for her many years ago, when she feigned illness and helplessness. Now that she genuinely needs help I find that I have no compassion left. Sadly she is the boy who cried wolf.

However, she does need help. She will be furious if I do anything that results in her being separated from the dog.
i’m hoping that there is help available that enables to to continue living independently - perhaps a specialist cleaner with a kind heart and no sense of smell who could help her keep on top of things.

RSPCA and adult social services.

My aunt got into this situation though minus pets. Stopped letting anyone in. My dad rang adult social care and the GP. She eventually let the social care lady in and had carer visits daily- she would have died at least a year earlier otherwise. Definitely ring the GP and social care. Mention concerns for welfare/safeguarding.

I'm sorry OP, I can only try to imagine the balance between Looking after yourself and the obligations you feel to her. AGE UK may be helpful, they have a helpline and they can recommend who to report these things to if they are not able to help directly.

You cannot take another person’s dog to be put down. The rspca are generally rubbish, a dog was kicked and beaten to death by the owner- they did nothing despite several calls, from neighbours who hear the dog screaming. I doubt they’ll do anything because a dog is pooping in the house. A vet might be able to do a home visit and talk to your DM, it’ll cost though.

She needs a very understanding cleaner and possibly social services but if she has capacity and says no then that’s it. They can be very persuasive though, so worth a try.

I absolutely do not want her dog to be taken away from her. For all her many failings she is a human being whose only real loving relationship is with her dog and the loss of it would destroy her.
The dog receives good care from her. But is no longer able to hold it in so shits as and when it needs to, wherever it is.
My concern is for the environment and my mother’s health living in that environment.

As others have said RSPCA and social services.
I've heard of pets being taken from their owners if the conditions were unsanitary to an unsafe extent.

It sounds incredibly difficult. I think I would have a conversation with your local Adult Safeguarding lead (google that plus her local council). They don't stay involved for long but in my experience they are helpful in suggesting options for next steps. And also in my experience they have seen it all before so you explaining that your relationship is strained but still exists won't faze them in the slightest.

In the same way you might find it useful to talk hypotheticals with a local vet? They may have thoughts about supporting a senior incontinent dog that spark an idea or two.

I hope you don't find yourself dragged into the situation but find a practically-minded source of help.

Things have moved on. She has been admitted into hospital tonight with suspected appendicitis. I don’t know whether it is a real concern or her creating another drama.
Her neighbour is going into the house to walk and feed the dog, but is unlikely to investigate any rooms upstairs so the full extent of the filth wouldn’t be apparent to her.
I don’t know if a hospital admission will trigger any kind of assessment of her care needs.

It depends how capable she cones across as on the ward. It sounds as if she would appear to have mental capacity for decisions on discharge, so it might be that not much would be triggered.

I’m sorry you have had to deal with such a mother. All you can do is contact the various agencies suggested in this thread. Even if they cannot directly help eg Age Concern they may be able to direct you to a department or organisation that can. I don’t see that there is anything else you can do and completely understand why you are neither able nor willing to do any more. How old is she?