People who give up there lives to care for elderly and unwell parents, just how do they do it?

[Backtothe80splease]

Sorry, long thread but I'm feeling so very guilty.

I am 51 suffering from anxiety, depression, chronic health issues and am in perimenopause so I'm probably being too sensitive but I've been torn to strips on a local FB and have not slept last night because of this.

My parents are in their early 80's. I have always been close to them and they live just around the corner. Until 2018 they had a golden life. They have lots of money, until recently had good health, they were always out and about and loved life.

However, mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer's in 2018 and 6 years on, as expected it is getting worse. She is also bent over with osteoporosis, has a pacemaker and this year was diagnosed with breast cancer (controlled with medication). My poor mum has really taken a battering with her health.

My dad is not a natural born carer and as I only worked part time I have slowly found myself doing more and more for them to the point that I am round 4-5 times per week and at one point I was doing everything. I started a thread a year or two back and upon advice I did step back a bit, we got a lovely carer for mum so she has help showering and getting dressed in the mornings. Dad was very opposed to this originally but now says the carer is a lifeline for him but he still refuses more help in the evenings or at weekends! I also take mum to a day centre two afternoons per week to give dad a break but it's not enough. He is complaining more and more that he is struggling with mum especially as she is starting to have a few (albeit sporadic atm), toilet accidents.

To be honesty, we are all frazzled. Both my sister and I have chronic health issues which have become worse during this time of great stress and dad is very low and although he has always been cantankerous, the stress is making him worse and we often snap at each other. I also have teens at home and a DH. DH and I argue a lot recently as he thinks I do far too much for dad especially as my father is very well off and tight, he often refuses to spend out for things to make their lives easier. He has squirrelled all their money away in investments for a rainy day but he can't see that their raining day has arrived.

Anyhow, dad and I had a conversation the other day after mum had wet herself in the car. He said he can't cope. I have suggested live in care as they have the space and money but he says he does not want people in his home. Fair enough. I don't want to see mum in a home but I am not 83 years old and living with her 24/7. So I have suggested in the new year we look at some local care homes and maybe start with respite and go from there.

I have asked on our cities' FB group for suggestions on good local care homes and I have had lots of great replies. However, I have had a few women tell me that all the homes are awful and they wouldn't put a rat in them. One has gone so far as to bombard my post with comments to me (and others) saying we have no morals by allowing our loved ones to go into care and that she will give up her life and dedicate it to looking after her father when the time comes. She claims to hav decades of caring experience in homes and says they are all dreadful places. She has told me I'm a pathetic creature, that I have no clue and we are all trying to justify our decisions to put Lo's in care.

Tbh, her replies have devastated me. I don't want my mum going into care, it's the last thing I want for my lovely kind, caring mum but how can I override my dad's decisions even with POA, he lives with her. I can not dedicate my time to care for my mum all the time, I'm at rock bottom as it is. I am at my lowest seeing my parents struggle so much, dementia is evil. This woman is making out that I have no compassion for my mum, that I'd just shove her in the first home I come across. That couldn't be further from the truth, I would research and research until I found the right one.

Now my ds girlfriend has said she has worked in a few of the homes and they are indeed all awful.

What on earth do we do? I hate this, it's destroying us all.

I agree, it is a completely different scenario when you are dealing with your own parents. I am a naturally caring person and when working am a PA for disabled people, a job I feel I do well but when it comes to your own flesh and blood, it changes everything.

Tbh, I keep FB purely for the support groups I am on for my health issues which I find invaluable. I have no interest in seeing what people are up to in the every day lives. I used this local community group as it's been so helpful in the past, never thought for a second I'd get abuse from someone when I'm purely asking for care home recommendations, it really did shake me.

Apart from anything else, they won’t do what you ask, and they don’t hold back on complaints.

Sorry about your FB experience. I was upset when a guy I’d worked with for years in a voluntary capacity challenged something I said and followed it with “of course, she’s not a local woman” (i’ve lived here 35 years). I would never have attacked him in public, why was he attacking me?

I usually use the search function first - other people have often asked the same question. There are some complete arseholes on there.

Agree @MereDintofPandiculation there are “complete arseholes” on FB and social media generally; in fact writing anonymously seems to embolden them - they use it as an outlet to spread their hidden bile. There is that ttcat woman on a current thread on MN Elderly Parents who keeps posting nasty and unfounded accusations at the worried OP. I try and defend people sometimes on MN but it’s exhausting and thankless as these people never shut up. I think MNHQ should be more assertive in removing these people.

I think MNHQ should be more assertive in removing these people They're good at removing posts if you report them, especially if you explain the context and the nastiness so it doesn't take them too long to see what's happening.