Feelings when DM diagnosed with vascular dementia

[Randomuser9876]

DM this week has been diagnosed with vascular dementia at 86.

Don't know why but I feel so sad. I've know for AGES, she's not been herself for 10 years but been very gradual and put down to old age/deafness/isolation during COVID.

She's always lead a very narrow life, no friends, work or hobbies so it's hard to work out when this started or unpick any of it I can't work out what's the dementia and what's her.

Did anyone else feel like this once they got a diagnosis? Relief but grief?

It feels like you're describing my mum. Her life and world got smaller and smaller but she then had a diagnosed TIA at 68. She lived for another 6 years (which is in line with normal life expectancy after diagnosis) and continued to fade away with every new TIA. The upside (I guess?) is that she still knew who we were to the end. I'm no expert on vascular dementia but in my experience it seemed a little less cruel than what I've read about other forms of dementia. My mum lost her ability to speak eventually and was very diminished but still smiled, recognised, waved at us. We didn't lose her completely until we lost her if you know what I mean? Sending love and I hope that nothing I've written adds to your sadness x

We know that MIL is not herself. She was a lovely thoughtful lady and is now just an angry, aggressive person we don't know. She recognises us and then argues with us, chucks drinks, plant pots anything she can get her hands on. She was only diagnosed in March at 80 with DOLS placed on her and has completely changed - constant falls, fights. We get calls from the nursing home every day that she's fallen but she won't stop pacing and pushing furniture. She's refusing meds and they have to force her to eat. She's lost 5Kg in about 3 weeks.

Thanks both. Sounds really tough I8toys

It's a really hard thing and has shocked me how upset I am about it even though there has clearly been something wrong for a while.

Glad she remembered you to the end EmbracingTheGrey

My mum's vascular dementia seemed to be accelerated after she had a fall and needed an anaesthetic to reset the bones in her forearm.

This was 2012, diagnosed 2015 as 'moderate/severe'- she died in 2023. The last two/three years she was bedridden - we fought to get nutritional drinks prescribed as she stopped eating, but we ended up buying them.

I remember when she had the MRI in 2015 (three years after expressing our concerns to GP) she still did well in verbal tests but her brain showed substantial changes. She'd stopped housework, then cooking, then hobbies, then personal care.

She had lots of hallucinations - some funny, some frightening. She stopped recognising us, but right up to the end there were glimpses of her sense of humour.

It was heartbreaking to watch her slowly deteriorate - we were told that she had three years at most in 2015.

Just to add/mention to the above. My mum went through a period where she was very distressed. I can't recall what she was prescribed but it was almost like a children's version of an anti-depressant, applied to her tongue in droplet form. It really seemed to calm her and, although she wasn't herself, she was more like her old self, albeit non verbal.

We were relived to finally get the diagnosis, we suspected Vascular dementia for quite a long time but with it being mid covid, we had to wait a long time for scans etc.

Once we had that, it opened up options such as qualifying for Attendance Allowance and a 100% exemption from Council Tax which eased the financial burden a bit. MiL was shopping everyday, contantly breaking stuff (hoover, washing machine, TV, landline etc) buying loads of random stuff for no obvious reason (jewellery, ornaments) that were then gifted to friends/neighbours/local stray Tom cat, broken or binned and she kept her heating on 24/7 around about the same temperature as hell so money was disappearing very quickly.

She probably lasted about another 9 months at home before we had to move her in to a care home. I had hoped that she would have stayed at home longer but we couldn't get a care package in place as there was a huge backlog and not enough home carers to cover everyone. It was a huge battle with the Council that we ended up losing.

She is still in the care home though and beyond the average expected life for someone with Vascular dementia, Alzheimer's, and untreated cancer! I swear she's going to outlive all of us 😊!