Anyone else finding Christmas just too sad?

[SockFluffInTheBath]

MIL used to really go in for Christmas, she loved it so much, it was a huge production. As she got older we pitched in more and more, until we did it all and took it to hers so she could still play hostess. It’s always been fantastic, a really lovely family time. I’m a complete grinch but when I was with her I couldn’t help but be swept along in it all.

This year she doesn’t even recognise their Christmas tree (Alzheimer’s) that DH did for/with her, and can’t cope with us all visiting at once. I just feel so flat and really not Christmassy. Our house is decorated, I made paper chains and stars as always but felt utterly miserable doing it. The whole thing is just annoying me. It’s so unbearably sad to be losing her like this. It’s too bloody much.

I'm feeling the same OP, but different scenario. My stepmother died recently and I'm dealing with my mother and stepfather who are fast declining in health. While trying to help them every day and work full time, I've no time to prepare and I've no idea when I'll have time to put a tree up. All the usual traditions with my own teen kids have gone out of the window as it's fire fighting/ keeping everyone alive at the moment.

I think there's something to be said for faking it until you make it and just going through the motions. I'm trying to be kind to myself that it doesn't matter if I'm not feeling festive. It's incredibly hard though . You are starting to grieve for the life she had and how this cruel illness is taking her.

Thanks @DrFoxtrot , I’m sorry you’re having a rubbish season too. Grieving makes complete sense, I think you’ve hit the nail on the head.

Its one of those find the happiness where you can things. Can you scale it down to something she can cope with?

Took my elderly parent with dementia to a Christmas tree & carols festival yesterday in a local church. Whilst I don't think they understood what was going on, all the lights made them happy and they joined in with the singing even if it was all over the place.

At one point, I got a bit emotional and sad about it, but then realised that they were enjoying themselves and having a really good time. It's hard though isn't it?

I'm sorry OP... that's so sad. Dementia is so cruel. Sounds like she did a lot for the family in those years she was more herself. Bless your husband for making an effort for her

Thanks both, we’ll all take it turns to be in and out to over Christmas. Waiting for a smile or something for the lights etc

That does sound really sad and upsetting. Although what amazing Christmases to look back on!

Could you revive any traditions from before she was your MIL? Your own family's Christmas traditions or anything like that? Make some new ones? What are your teenagers' favourite things to do at Christmas?

Sorry, not sure if the teenagers are yours! Someone else mentioned some in the thread.

@SockFluffInTheBath I'm so sorry. 💐

I think it's entirely reasonable to be sad and/or find it hard to find joy in such difficult circumstances. That doesn't help you, of course. Sometimes I think it helps to view life as a series of seasons, where sometimes it's spring /summer/autumn and other times it's very much winter. Allow yourself to do Christmas gently, possibly even to hibernate through some of it, as it were.

Music might help. If I understand correctly a lot of people with dementia/Alzheimer's do respond well to music and song, it seems to hit parts of the brain and memory that other things can't.

@DrFoxtrot Again, I'm sorry. 💐Wishing you both peace and strength.

Thanks all, even though it's not my thread ❤️

@EmotionalBlackmail I mentioned my teens, and if I'm honest they don't seem too affected by things. My daughter was a little upset about not going with me to choose a tree like we do every year but I've had to go without her in the spare hour I had today while she's at work, otherwise it would be next Saturday by the time we have a tree! It feels so rushed. I spent two hours this afternoon at my mum's and my house is a total mess.

I'm getting through by being on some sort of autopilot and reminding myself that this isn't forever (which is both relieving and upsetting at the same time!).

I get it, I'm far from full of festive cheer
My mum has been bedridden the past year, just starting to get out for a few hours via a hoist
It's only us for Christmas
I can't be bothered to put a tree up, I feel flat, my mums worried about money as the carers take most of her money so she's struggling. I didn't get a 50th birthday present nor will I get a Christmas present, not that I care as such as priority is my mum hopefully getting out of bed regularly and hopefully walking.
I just get to cook and do the washing while working full time. Christmas can do one. There's no joy or reward

My mum is in a care home and I visited yesterday. We had a little party and she cried when I left. I miss her. Seriously wish she could be at home with me

It's hard to take. Mum is always a little tearful now when we are there, but not much else as a response. I wish so passionately that she wasn't alive any more. I have to say though it was nice to have the three cousins in the room together which might not happen at Christmas if it weren't for Mum still being with us. I have to try and take the silver lining.

Yes I’m absolutely hating it. Both parents (divorced decades ago) extremely ill and my siblings don’t seem bothered about us meeting up at xmas anymore. Am at home with dh’s close knit family which is making it worse. I’ve just gone out for a ‘walk’ (cry) but need to pull myself together and go back in with a smile on as it’s not fair for me to bring the mood down.