I can't visit the care home

[bernadetteo]

DM was admitted to care home a few months ago after struggling at home with carers. She had a few infections and delirium which accelerated her dementia rapidly to the point of needing 24hour care.

I have been in a few times but I find it utterly traumatic and it leaves me struggling for days afterwards. I feel so relieved now she is safe after years of worrying about her, she doesn't know me, or anything really, and I am satisfied with the home overall.

I feel horrendous guilt though. I feel like I have abandoned her despite her being in a better position now than she has been in at least 5 years. I feel judged by the staff, I feel they think I don't care. The truth is I care so much it is giving a trauma response (I do have c-PTSD - unrelated to DM) and I can't face putting myself through that regularly for someone who knows no difference.

There are no other relatives.

Does anyone have any advice on how to manage going in or how to manage feeling so awful for not going in?

I know she won't be here for years to come, but I have already lost her - it's not one of those 'you will regret it in the future' situations. She has already left me and I'm grieving for the person who no longer occupies the body.

You sound like an incredible person op to care so deeply and for the five full years of care you gave along with your own circumstances 💐💐

you deserve to feel peace and I hope you get it

The relationship between you and a dgm is different to what the OP describes.

You had no expectations or responsibility. You also had your mother, aunts etc. So huge support network.

In no way comparable and yes, your post was judgemental and unhelpful.

Here's your medal for sitting with your dgm!

She was very thoughtless and gave her personal example of a completely different situation.

OP what sort of relationship did you have with your Mum throughout her life. I am also an only and have a Mum with advanced dementia. It is the hardest thing I have ever faced in my life as she was my best friend but having said that I don’t dread visits . We manage to connect on some level. I usually play some of her favourite music and she enjoys this and I sing a long too. I sometimes have to turn my head away as I am blinking away tears but I try and focus on her and for that hour I am with her try to put a smile on her face even if I am having to act as if I am happy . I always feel better for seeing her though. I understand your trauma response I very much had that when my dad was dying I was with him for hours in A and E but had to get out of there in the end . It is a fear response though and maybe you could try and think of ways you could connect with your Mum to make the visits enjoyable for you both . Do you have a friend who could go with you or take a dog if you have one ?

Op I know exactly where you are coming from and I hope you realise everything you have said is totally normal and understandable. I’m going through this with both parents and apart from 1 uncle I am on my own. People who have large families to lighten the load have No Fucking Clue. Every visit exhausts me, in the early days I’d come home and go straight to bed. It gets easier but honestly it’s a duty.

As an activity leader who's worked in a large care home and daughter who's late mum had dementia for nine long years I can see both sides... please do NOT feel judged as us carers/staff really do understand ❤️ If you visit mum try and make it around an entertainment afternoon where you can enjoy time with your DM and you both have something else to focus on esp if it's a music afternoon because they still remember their songs they once loved and do remember the words. Alternately paint her nails or purchase a reminiscence pack from Amazon they are amazing and very visual too ( all different decades) photographs or her favourite perfume may bring back memories. Try and visit at times where she might be more lucid ( between meals) before/after medication or maybe invite some of her friends to her room for tea or maybe a nice cuppa/walk in the homes garden if it's nice. Try to 'tap into what her likes/hobbies were before she got dementia... the oldest memories she may still have. Last of all try and stay positive and you will see results and your visits ( if you can) may be a lot better 🙏❤️🌹. X

Sorry just wanted to add that although she may not recognise you she will be happy at the 'kind lady' who sat with her and chatted with a kind smile and warm hand.

People with dementia often can't express things in understandable ways but they sure can feel things.

She might not know your name or appear to recognise you but people with dementia do show distressed and stressed behaviours that can be alleviated by visits from their loved ones. It might or might not be obvious during the visit but moods are frequently improved after a visit and a long time without a visit can lower moods. In particular, people can displays signs of worry such as obsessing about a particular person, worrying said person is ill or lost or that they (the person with dementia) has failed to call or visit their loved one and that their loved one will be/is upset with them.

Please don't beat yourself up. It sounds like you have done your very best in very trying circumstances. Please know, your mum is safe, comfortable, in a warm comfortable bed, access to first class medical care, carefully prepared and nutritious food and drinks, living in a peaceful and prosperous country, surrounded by people there to care for her, along with specialists in dementia care and physio. At any point in human history, and indeed for billions of people on this planet right now, she is in a good place. Take comfort knowing you did your best for your mum, and that your pain comes from a good place of your love, and your grief of what has been lost - but it is not on you to carry any guilt.

If you do decide to visit, keep the visit short - maybe just hold hands, tell her a short or funny something about your day, and then leave, knowing she is well cared for and in good hands and you did your best. And if you don't visit, know the same - she is well cared for and in good hands and you did your best, no need for guilt. I don't know your mum, but like many mums I am sure that if she could she would tell to enjoy your life, there's nothing to feel guilty about xx