Fed up with entertaining MIL

[Orangesandlemons77]

For some reason I seem to have got into this habit of seeing elderly MIL twice a week for coffee / shopping and it is too much.

There are 3 children one of which is not close by, other is DH who is always working and doesn't seem to see the other one close by much.

I wouldn't mind but she has started being quite funny if I can't make it, I have some health problems that she is dismissive of but am I expecting too much to expect that at 80 plus years old, I'm not sure.

You are doing a really lovely thing and you should be proud of yourself.

If it really is too much, try a to mix it up a bit - so if you have fixed days, move the days week on week and do one week, 1 day, next week two days, next week one day, random week 3 days (to throw her off the scent - maybe a thing with the kids), and over time the pattern will break.

Honestly though to an 80 year old, you are probably making a huge difference to her life in a way you can barely understand so be proud of yourself.

If it’s too much you need to defer to your DH.

He can take over one a a lot or even invite her when your DH is around to tag team lunch or dinner.

She’s started to take you for granted but I agree that you are kind & that is really sweet of you

I don’t do this for my mil as she actually used to ring me often and ask me to visit and I did for a while but then I pulled dh up on it & said that was his role. To be fair he is amazing & my sister in law (through marriage as in his mothers wife) has been criticised for taking over.

I would cut back to once a week and ask dh to visit once ? Could that work?

Make up a believable excuse as to why you can only go once a month or once a week. Like you took on some extra remote work.

It's a few hours out of your week and probably makes her week.

Love it how everyone is always happy to volunteer someone's else's time!

This is for your DH to manage, it's his mother. This sort of thing is fine if you get on really well but otherwise there is no 'duty'.

Does she not have any friends?

Well that rather depends on
a what percentage of the OPs free time does it take up ?
b how much is it costing her in fuel, parking, coffee etc and does she want to spend that ?
c has it now become an expectation that she will do it rather than a pleasant extra ?

going for a coffee with my dad, for example, involves a 50 mile round trip plus £15 at least and would strike out the majority of the day as he doesn't want to go out until 11.

it has taken me quite a while and a lot of pushing back to make my family realise that my free time is not theirs to manage for me.

it has taken me quite a while and a lot of pushing back to make my family realise that my free time is not theirs to manage for me

If you love your family and enjoy being with your parents, then you wouldn't see it this way. It isn't a chore or other people 'managing your free time' because you'd want to go anyway - the way you want to see your children or want to see your friends.

The problem with these type of inlaw and parents advice threads is like everything in life, people advise with their own experience - but for some reason, anyone who has an unhappy experience, gets loaded with a mass of aggression and resentment that comes out in statements like this.

Not everyone has bad relationships with their parents or their in laws. OP wasn't saying she was in this situation, just that there seems now to be an expectation.

Just do what you can not what others think you should do. I visit on saturdays thats it. I have my own family too. She tried get nasty if I had a few breaks away. So its an expectation too of visits.. you can only do so much when you work aswell.

Of course it can be.

You can love your family, or your friends, but still have other things to fit in.

What a daft thing to say.

Re @Orangesandlemons77 's MiL I think this depends on what the relationship has been like for the past 30 (?), 40 (?) years.

I have a friend who does a lot for her MiL, who she also gets frustrated by, but she acknowledges that her MiL was welcoming from the get go, treated her really well, and supported her hugely when the dc were small and has been involved in their lives, without interfering or offering opinions, for decades. Although she does find it takes a lot of time and finds her frustrating, there is a bond there that she doesn't have with her own mother, who would never support her or help out with the dc, or show interest in her Grandchildren.
It makes a BIG difference in how much you WANT to do for someone who needs a bit of support.

You have no idea what my life is like, how much time I spend with my parents or what my relationship with them is like. I have just come back from a 50 mile round trip and the entire afternoon spent with my parents so that my dad could get his car serviced. I was there all day yesterday.
some of us on here are struggling with extremely demanding, very unwell parents that take up a massive amount of our time and I am speaking from nearly 5 years down the road with no sign of it coming to an end. So I suggest that you button it as you clearly have little experience or would not make these sorts of naive comment

actually you have really pissed me off.

I hear you. It's all very well saying that people should enjoy spending time with their parents. I love spending time with my parents but if I saw them twice a week that would be all of my spare time used up and yes, if I felt that others were managing this time for me, I would start to resent it.

If you love your family and enjoy being with your parents, then you wouldn't see it this way. It isn't a chore or other people 'managing your free time' because you'd want to go anyway - the way you want to see your children or want to see your friends.

Absolute crap @WeArentInKansas

I love and enjoy the company of many people, friends and family. But I also have to work, raise my kids, clean my house, shop for food etc. I don’t see anyone twice a week who isn’t physically in my household or my office!

I thunk once a week might be more manageable, will maybe try that instead.

Once a week here. Have my own house to run. Most people work too. Think expectations/demands of elders are unrealistic at times

Tell your DH it's time he took over one of these weekly visits. It's his mum! If he can't be flexible one day a week then it's a bad look out. Men are far too keen to think that their wife doing something for their family is just the same as them doing it.