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Elderly parents

Struggling with this

11 replies

Gcn · 05/12/2024 20:30

Long story short - I live a short flight from my mum and rest of family. Mum is dying. She's been living with cancer for years. She also has Ms, anxiety and (perhaps not surprisingly) depression. Symptoms getting worse. She's never been the easiest of people to get along with, but has gotten much worse over the past couple of years. She's cut herself off from virtually everyone she knows - apart from me, my brother and her ex.

Today my brother took her to sort her will (again) and to organise her funeral. She has said no service, no one there apart from me and my brother, cheapest of everything. I know that we'll do what she wants, but I feel as if this is just so selfish of her. To me funerals aren't for the dead, they are for the living. To deny her sisters and brothers the chance to say goodbye to her? To deny my brother and I the comfort and support of our families?

Added to that is the guilt I have of not seeing her - but every time I've visited lately she's ended up shouting at me and us falling out.

Im handling this by ignoring it. :(

OP posts:
shellyleppard · 05/12/2024 20:35

@Gcn I'm sorry you are going through this. I would want my family round me at this difficult time. Can you not agree to no family at the funeral but still have them there?? Sending the biggest of hugs 🤗🫂💐❤️

NotMeForBakeoff · 05/12/2024 20:37

Can you have family waiting for ypu elsewhere?

PoachedCloud · 05/12/2024 20:38

I understand how difficult this is for you and the conflict of emotions. When the time comes, after carrying out her last wishes, there is nothing to prevent you having whatever memorial ceremony or gathering that brings peace and closure to you and your family.

SuperfluousHen · 05/12/2024 20:41

I agree with you, the funeral is for the living. So sorry this is happening to you xx

Gcn · 05/12/2024 20:42

Absolutely nothing stopping us from arranging something after her non-funeral...

OP posts:
Gcn · 05/12/2024 20:45

Her ex has been so so supportive over the last 10 years (despite him being a bastard to her, hence them splitting up). He's provided her with a house free of charge and is still at her beck and call for absolutely everything. How she could do this to him??

OP posts:
tarheelbaby · 05/12/2024 20:47

So sorry that you are enduring this. The last stages can be so grim.

I agree that funerals or memorial services are for the living.

If you want to honour her wishes and not have a funeral, fine.

But plan to hold a memorial service for you and all the family. This can be a time for closure but for remembering too.

Guineapiggiesmalls · 05/12/2024 21:06

It’s tricky. If she has expressed her wishes, then I would want to follow them but I do see your point.

Could you do the basic funeral, and organise something separate for afterwards?

countrygirl99 · 06/12/2024 05:41

Could you have the service she requested but still have a get together with food immediately after?

Renamed · 07/12/2024 23:04

My parent has arranged it so they won’t have a funeral at all - says they have been to enough funerals! Ok if that’s what they want, but there’s nothing to stop us having a wake or memorial with a full mass, speeches, DJ and karaoke if we feel like it

JollyHollyMe · 07/12/2024 23:10

Mine are 85- both dying
Tore up their funeral plans done 30 years ago and regularly updated. Both want direct cremation followed by a shared family only (10 people) interment when they are both dead. No wake- fish and chip supper all round.

Sounds great to me.

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