Moaning but not changing

[Orangesandlemons77]

I'm getting frustrated with this and know I probably just need to let it go, but wondered if others find the same and how you deal with it?

An elderly relative will moan to me about things like for example fuel - they are not able to have a smart meter and have been submitting readings over the phone.

The company queries something, if it was actually her phoning up and she got upset and made a complaint to them.

I told her about how she could use an app on her phone to submit reading s which might make things easier (she does use her phone and apps etc) but no, doesn't want to do that.

This is just an example but every problem seems to go the same way. A moan / complaint, a suggestion from me and then 'no'.

Should I just stop making suggestions? What does she want just to moan?

It’s not solely the elderly who moan…look at some of the people on mumsnet!

I think it is the moaning but not wanting to do anything about stuff that goes to me a bit.

She wants sympathy not solutions. Can you do sympathy on autopilot?

If you want sympathy or just a rant, it doesn’t feel good to be given a solution because it carries the message “this is all your own fault, if only you’d do this there’d be no problem”

it’s not just the elderly - look at this board - full of threads where people are just letting off steam!

Yes, and here I am having a moan about it! haha. It's just frustrating when it is about stuff which could be prevented changed. So many people have so much to deal with which can't be changed.

But yes I might just have some stock 'oh what a shame, how annoying" type phrases

Is this not the usual stereotype about men that they want to provide solutions not sympathy.

I'm not male?

She didn't mean you were. She was referring to it being a standard "Men are from Mars, Women from Venus" trope, that women provide sympathy (and annoy men who think they're doing misery one-up-man-ship) and men provide problem solving when sympathy is needed. But obviously people of either sex can by sympathy focused or problem-solving focused. I'm a problem solver, and have had to learn that it's not necessarily helpful.

Yes I kind if get that approach with things which were not so sort of trivial and easily solvable. I think I need more patience and kindness, I am lacking in both and the perimenopause and balancing with teenage dc etc is not helping.

Let them moan. When you're older you've probably got a lot more pain and issues with your health, technology is changing really rapidly and some people just really don't want to have to deal with all this change. Be supportive, but try and also talk about positive things too..also
Moan to them about things you don't like as well. Just bonding over stuff that's rubbish can be cathartic. X

technology is changing really rapidly and some people just really don't want to have to deal with all this change They’ve already dealt with a lot of change - arrival of tv in people’s homes, being able to dial your own phone calls instead of speaking to an operator, fridges, deepfreezes, central heating, showers, more than 2 tv channels, portable radios, colour tv, microwaves, video recorders, credit cards, debit cards, personal computers, mobile phones, cash machines, internet, on-line banking. I’m coming to the conclusion that there’s only so much change one can take.

That, by the way, is what’s happened in my lifetime. My father can add things like getting electricity from the national grid.

The person I am talking about seems to get on well with technology though. I don't think it's that. Seems to be about doing everything the hard way then moaning about it. More like a personality thing.

I read somewhere, maybe here, that actually it's an autonomy issue. They are testing out what power they still have to determine their own lives. It's an external human struggle really.

@MereDintofPandiculation yeah, you're not wrong. I'm finding it all a bit much and I'm in my 40s. My dear mum, at 85, just says "I've done my time. I don't want to have to learn about these things". She enjoys the technology she does understand. But to her it's not of any value to do any more. It's too exhausting. She wants to just enjoy her autumn years. In front of a very loud telly watching 50s movies. 😂

@Orangesandlemons77 some people are stubborn and if they feel like some of their autonomy is being taken away, like @Summerhillsquare says. So then they'll dig their heels in. So, try and find humour in it. Sympathise with what she's moaning about, think of ways you'd both like the situation to be different. Put the world to rights. Have a moan yourself. Just kind of go with the flow that she's a moaner. If you can't beat em, but always steer it towards lighthearted, or even dark humour. But humour of some description.

@BobbyBiscuits I've got just the man for her - 85 year old guy - intelligent, self sufficient, has all his marbles - but he feels exactly the same - as he told me one day- ' my RAM is full'

I think all you can do is listen to the moaning and make sympathetic noises at appropriate moments. My mother could win a gold medal in moaning and nothing is ever her fault. She will never do anything to address a problem. She has been like this all her life. I just disengage and let her moan on.

However my sister insists on coming up with 'solutions' which she will systematically pour cold water on. She will then eventually claim that she's 'fine' and the problem my sister was trying to solve actually isn't a problem. In actual fact gaslighting that she never said it was a problem in the first place. Now that is sooooo much more infuriating than just disengaging from a moaner.

@Crikeyalmighty haha, they definitely come in both sexes, the 'ram full' crowd. I think mine is full now, somewhat prematurely. Too many viruses and spam. Lol 🤣🤣

I would still make suggestions because sometimes they say no but come back to the app or whatever later. Teens are like that too, do not listen but occasionally it registers a bit later.

I guess I would say something like do you want any help with this? Before suggesting anything,

My dad is a bit like this. I just say, well you can moan about it or do something about it, Dad. I've told you the solution, let me know if you want help to implement it, otherwise there's no point going on about it to me if you don't want to change.

That usually shuts it down. Until the next time, rinse and repeat.

I do find people who want sympathy not solutions weird - like they prefer to have the attention of the sympathy than not need it and instead have to be grateful to the other person because the problem is solved - a form of self centred?

If it's on the phone I put my headset on so I'm handsfree and do something else during the conversation. Periodically day "hmm" or "oh dear".

In person I very much limit the time and have excuses ready to leave.

The sympathy recharges the energy to get the problem sorted yourself.

I don’t see it as self centred, no more self centred than foisting your solution on someone who doesn’t want it.

Mine thinks moaning is conversation (and I'm aware of the irony that I'm moaning about that!).

I've often had the comment that "we were having such a nice chat" when it was entirely one-sided moaning!

My elderly relatives have covered the full gamut from 'Ooh, technology! What fun! Let me facetime you, isn't this excellent!' (both of them men, a civil servant and a motor engineer) to 'I'll never get to grips with email and nobody needs a mobile phone, what's the point?' The first lot have been much more amenable to solutions than the second. In fact, they've usually found their own ('I was finding the corner of the stairs a bit tricky so I went to Homebase and now I've fitted a most convenient little handrail').

I think it's partly RAM being full and partly personality. Mr Motor Engineer put his first motorbike together in his teens and always loved tech. My aunt, OTOH, has studiously avoided it all her life; I don't think she even used Ceefax when that was a thing. In the past few years she has, at last, accepted that some solutions are available and has begun to use them, but it was a struggle.