I likely will be facing some tremendous challagnes over the next few more months

[Greybottle]

My parents are divorced. Me and my father are somewhat estranged. I met him over the weekend. I don't have any ill will towards him.

Apparantly he had a stroke a few weeks ago and he was in hospital. It's not the first time. There other stuff happening with him too. His lifeline person is sick in hospital. I think when she goes, he won't be long after.

All my siblings live abroad.

My gut tells me to tell them. Not to give them a fright but to give them a heads up incase he takes a bad turn over the next few more weeks. They can start chatting now about 'what ifs' and what will they do.

However my mother's stance has always been - never to tell them anything bad - and to some degree I can see where she is coming from.

So I have no idea what to do. Tell them or be ignorant and pretend I know nothing. If I do tell them that he was sick a few weeks ago, I would have to ask them not to mention it on a call if they phone home because it would anger her.

My mother is also likely going senile with what I am observing in her. I don't know if anything was to happen would it exaperate things with her.

Then there's a different family member who is closer to home with a personality disorder and his death will likely trigger her into lashing out too.

So I will likely have so much crap to deal with. I'm hoping not. It might be better in the spring or summer but nobody controls when they are going to die.

Tell your siblings about their Dad. I think a potentially end of life situation is an exception.

Tell them. Then they can make their own choice to travel to see or not.

Tell them. Your mum isn't the boss of you. You need support from your siblings and shouldn't have to deal with all this on your own. As for telling you to only say nice things - remind her of that if she kicks off!

I agree with PP, you need to tell them. I don't understand why your mum's telling you not to tell them anything bad - you're having to deal with it so why can't they??

I vote tell your siblings. I've taken up a new approach of brutal honestly about my DM condition for my siblings abroad.
It's upsetting for them, especially as DM will minimise everything, but it's easier on me.

He's not at end of life just yet. He was out from the hospital and he is not on hospice.

I really do think this winter is going to turn into a nightmare. His lifeline is dying. Once she's gone, it will be him then at some stage.

His health is very bad. It wasn't his first stroke.

Tell your sibilings.

Your Mum needs to see her GP.

Tell them, not the same but I lost my sister and no one told me how poorly she was until the very end because I was pregnant (they didn't want me to worry)

It took a long time for me to make peace with not having a choice x

I don't know if my father is very poorly. He was up and about and using public transport but he was tired in the afternoon too. It looked like a busy morning visiting his sick partner tired him out a lot. I really don't know how poorly he is. He did have a stroke.

The worry is if he was to catch covid now too because that's probably still everywhere.

His lifeline is dying and when she's gone, I think he could be next. I hope I am wrong.

I think I will send a message at the weekend and let them know and ask them not to say anything to the mother.

Just to inform that and they can make 'what if' plans.

It's not really your responsibility, it is your father's news to share. How are you feeling about the estrangement? Is it time to build bridges (obvs depends on why you are estranged)?
Can you broach it with him, you could offer to speak to your siblings on his behalf.

Your mother is probably a thread on her own if you suspect cognitive decline.

Dealing with aging parents is hard. Remember you are not obliged to do so, and if you choose to help, you must prioritise your own wellbeing.

Thank you, this is a huge help and it takes it off my shoulders.

The estrangement - it is hard to say. I don't have any ill will towards him and I will say hello when I see him and I even sat with him over the weekend. I implemented the estrangement due to his ignorance and crap. I don't know about the estrangement but then having said this, I just don't have time for me. I hardly have time for myself. I wish I had more time for him but it's so hard with a full time job and other commitments.

Why wouldn’t you tell your siblings? Are you close in other ways? I’m abroad and I’d be really disappointed if my sister didn’t tell me this kind of thing.

However my mother's stance has always been - never to tell them anything bad - and to some degree I can see where she is coming from.

i don’t understand this bit. Why doesn’t your mum want to share news with your siblings? Is there a reason why they are abroad and you aren’t?