Any idea how I can manage this please

[Greybottle]

My mother is aging and there's definitely some ignorance coming about. She's definitely slowing down. Not physically but cognitively. She can be very stubborn and angry and defiant.

Every year we send a joint parcel abroad for family who lives abroad.

Over the past few years she is struggling with being ready and prepared in time for the last posting dates abroad. Which then slows down my Christmas gift.

I was struggling myself this year at getting a gift together but looks like I am ready now. If I was to sit down tonight and write out my Christmas cards, I think I could get a package ready and off tomorrow.

However my mother wants me to send in her parcel.

Another issue I have e is that she will load a box with what I would consider 'stocking fillers' and loads of bits and pieces and then it all adds up in weight for a parcel too. She is now talking about getting a book. She was in town on Saturday and why did she not get a book on Saturday.

She's now ordering me to wait until she is finished. But the last posting dates is on Thursday. But she is not factoring in my work schedule and I am not available on Thursday morning to bring a parcel to post office. So that will mean it will be late.

Another issue is that postage costs are expensive and she will never reimburse me even half of a postal cost. It's usually all on me and it's all so unfair.

She's being very stubborn lately. She took away all of the milk from the kitchen in recent weeks and started storing the milk in her bedroom almost as if she is trying to ban me from milk. It's so rude. Yet it's me who's bring the groceries home.

I woke on Saturday morning and she was in a silent mood to me and I reckon it was because I was kept working late on Friday night. I had no control over that by the way. She treated me like dirt on Saturday morning with a silent mood and treatment while excepting me to go into town with her at the same time. It was almost as of she was behaving as if I was her spouse who spent the whole night cheating on her. She was cruel and mean. I was caught late in work.

I live with in a bad place with poor housing opportunities and living at home is my only solution for now and can be bad.

Like she wants to get a book for a Christmas gift but she's doing nothing today and she could go searching for a book today and get a parcel ready to go within the next day or two.

She is telling me we can send a parcel on Friday but I know her. She still won't be ready on Friday and it will be Saturday.

I am half considering just boxing my Christmas gift and not saying anything. Later in the week when she's ready to send her parcel I will just have to say that I am not sending anything and leave it at that.

I don't know what to do? What do you think?

This is so stressful. I knew she wasn't going to be ready on time and she's saying Friday but she has no intention of being ready on Friday. There's no need to get a book and it's just going to add more weight and more for me to pay while she doesn't pay anything for postage.

She is impossible to reason with and she is showing no concerning for me or for the family who lives abroad.

Just send your parcel on Thursday and send hers when it’s ready.

The hiding the milk rang a huge bell for me. MIL did things like this towards the end of her life - she was diagnosed with dementia. But even before that she lost her ability to organise herself, and to understand fairly simple instructions.
overseas Christmas cards - she sent some before the deadline, then gave me more to post - as she didn’t think Germany was overseas…

I agree, send your parcel when it works for you. Send hers later.

Sorry, meant to add. It’s not fair that she is not willing to share the cost, nor that she is hiding shared food from you, but it all suggests she is probably a bit confused.

Send yours now. Send hers when it’s ready. Tell her that this is what you’re doing and ask her for money to pay for hers in advance of it being sent.

I agree with a pp though, hiding possessions is a peculiar thing to do and a concern. Can you get her along to the GP for a general health check but give the GP the heads up in advance of your concerns so that they can structure her review with a bit more of a cognitive slant?

If I was to be open and and tell her that I am sending my parcel tomorrow or Wednesday or Thursday, it would only just anger her. She is impossible to be reasoned with. She is determined we send a joint parcel.

It's just I have my stuff in a post that is nice and small and cute and likely wouldn't cost more than 30 or 40 pounds to send by express with tracking. If I was to send with my mother it would be a bigger box and a heavier box and cost much more too that would all me on me.

I find it impossible to reason with her.

How will she know if you send hers separately?

Surely the recipient will thank HER and mum won't know that yours was sent on a different day.

Tell her the parcel is going to be too big for both your stuff and you have to put them in two boxes. And do that, obviously your mother's when it's ready.

I know you don't want to be cruel or anything, but this matter is not life threatening is it? Just do what's best and pretend they are going together. I'd be so prepared for her questioning you that I'd have a box wrapped up (empty) for her to see (fill it with something rubbish) that is supposedly yours, but you've already sent it!

Two can play games!

I understand you're frustrated but this sounds like early dementia.

Do what you need to do at the moment and after Christmas try to get her assessed for Dementia.

Yes I will have to go to the GP and ask for a referral. I had suspicions for some time but it wasn't a typical forgetfulness and I was talking to GPs a few times already who always asked me about 'any memory loss'. I don't think memory loss is very obvious. Maybe its there and it's presenting in a way that's vague and subtle like forgetting how to behave.

Already over the past few days there was:

• silent treatment with a silent anger
• running away from me in a flurry
• poor planning and organising
• control issues with hiding milk
• then this afternoon I discovered she left the house at some stage and that's ok. I presume she got ready and put on her jacket and maybe had her handbag. I don't know. There's no harm in leaving the house however her behaviour was that she never spoke to me. There was not one word mentioned to me when she left the house. There was no 'goodbye' 'im go for a walk' 'I'm going to the village'. There was absolutely nothing. I just went into the kitchen and she wasn't there and the TV was off.

The face that she can be so silent and not speak to me as if I am some sort of outcast that's unreal.

I think I will box up my parcel and send it without saying anything and I will let her do her own thing. I sibling abroad needs to see what's happening. She will likely put cash in a card in the box and not even send it by regeristed post. They need to see what's happening because they don't believe there is anything wrong with her. If they were to see an unregistered parcel with cash in it, they will likely and hopefully understand that there's something like how can she put so much money in a parcel but not spend extra money to secure the parcel with registerered post and tracking.

I don't know.

It was nasty what she did today.

It sounds like frontotemporal dementia to me @Greybottle

https://www.alzheimers.gov/alzheimers-dementias/frontotemporal-dementia

I know there's different types of dementias and from what I read online that's what I would lean towards to. It's so hard to get anyone to believe me or listen to me. My sublime abroad would like to see our mother forgets where the milk lives and forgetting what a key is before considering any possibility of dementia. As in they would like to see her maybe put the milk in a cupboard or under the kitchen sink instead of a fridge.

There's definitely a lot of controlling stuff from her now and some ocd-ish behaviours with her. Also today there was her doing a handwash of face cloths in the kitchen sink nearly as if washing and working with water brings her comfort.

Her walk was strange yesterday when I met her in the local village. When we met in the village it was by accident and not planned and it was more like a surprise but she nearly ran in a flurry instead of stopping to say hello to me. It was so strange.

The most obvious signs of FT dementia are not typically loss of memory, but strange and obsessive behaviours, and personality changes. Changes in what someone eats is also common. Arguing about things which in the past would not have caused an argument. Being very obstinate.

Don't wait until you see loss of memory before seeking a diagnosis.

Go and see the doctor now, to get the ball rolling.

And just send the parcel late. It's pointless arguing with her about it.

Have you got POA?

No, she refused me POA. She is apathetic with anything legal and I don't think she understands or comprehends anything too legal anyways.

You really do sound like you're very unsympathetic towards your mum. If she has early dementia, the chances are that she's aware on some level of the changes that are happening to her and is probably very frightened. It really wouldn't hurt to be a bit kinder and show more understanding towards her.

I am showing kindness and respect. I wrote off many issues that has occurred at home when I could have pulled her up on them but I never did.

Definitely sounds like there's something going on brainwise. I live with my parent due to their dementia diagnosis. They do weird stuff and can say hurtful things. You have to let it wash over you or walk away until you can calm down.

Send your parcel, then send their parcel when it's ready. If it misses the deadline, so be it. You need to let these things go, I suspect you have bigger things to worry about.

@Growlybear83 many of us have had a lifetime of obstinate difficult parents. Yes @Greybottle may discover an underlying issue BUT for many of us it is just normal behaviour slightly amplified. We have spent a lifetime being kind and compassionate often in the face of incredibly challenging parents.

Rather than talking to the GP aboit memory loss, try the following phrases: cognitive impairment, loss of executive function, change of gait, and changes in mood. And also mention hiding things.

I am sure I recognise this poster as someone who has been complaining about her mother and speculating about dementia on here under multiple different usernames for at least a year. The focus of the complaints is often to do with laundry or household appliances, also UTIs, but I seem to remember parcels and postage coming up before too.

She has been given lots of good advice previously about types of dementia, GPs, how to get her mother assessed and so on, but she seems to prefer to ignore all the advice and just disappear, then pop up to post another vent under another new name.

I suppose it's fair enough if all she wants to do is let off steam, but it seems to be a little bit of a waste of time and energy for people who reply in good faith and offer advice.

OP, apologies if I have the wrong person, but your circumstances and posting style are very distinctive. Have you actually done anything about contacting a GP about your mother?