Advice about Christmas

[Whattodoaboutmum]

Mum is coming to stay at Christmas. She usually stays for 10days or so and in the past it’s been great. I love her to bits and we generally get on well. She lives 5 hours away, is on her own and won’t move closer.
As she’s aged she’s sunk more and more into a negative mindset and I’m really struggling with it. It’s like her world is getting smaller and everything is wrong or a problem. Mostly I just try to keep things upbeat but it’s hard going.
I’ve realised too that the complaints are reserved especially for me. She was FaceTiming my son who happened to be visiting us for the weekend and it was all jolly and laughs yet the minute I hopped on to chat life was terrible, no one had phoned her, she hadn’t seen anyone for days etc. I reminded her of all the activities with friends she literally had just mentioned she just pressed her lips together and said “you don’t know anything.”
Whenever she describes what she’s been up to (and her calendar is active and busy) it’s always followed by “I only did it just to fill the hours.”
She’s already on antidepressants and refuses point blank any form of counselling, won’t engage with mindfulness practice etc.
So Christmas year is a bit different as I’ll be working for a lot of the time- my role has changed and my rota means I’ll be working between Christmas and New Year, and some of the time I’m on standby so can’t go too far from the house in case I get called in. Mum already had a problem with my new work rota anyway and this is compounded everything.
Any suggestions for how to keep her occupied for 10 days or do I just let her get on with it? We always have a Christmas jigsaw, she won’t engage with any kind of craft activities and she says she does endless crosswords and is bored with all of that.
I’m tempted just to let her stew!

It makes for a very long visit, my grandmother and PIL are the same and it can drain the happy out of any occasion.

I would remind her you are working more and expectations have to be adjusted if she is to visit for the usual 10 days. Tv guide, jigsaw, ingredients to bake, a new book in her stocking etc.

Prepare the sprouts, King William Quiz (comes out Christmas Eve, fiendish general knowledge quiz, 18 sections of 10 questions, each section gets easier once you’ve worked out the common theme).

There's no point in engaging with the negative and arguing the toss. Just make sympathetic noises whilst nodding. "Gosh, sounds awful", "Mmm dreadful, poor you", "Oh dear, how sad" and so on. A few clucking noises and tuts whilst head tilting/nodding/shaking as appropriate. They feel validated and you stay semi sane.

It's an age thing and you will just make yourself miserable if you try to fight it. Accept it, go with the flow and let it all wash over you and away.

Maybe it's time to shorten the stay? 10 is a long time.

I have no wisdom but I’m following to share empathy and hopefully some good advice on how I also deal with this (bit ILs)

Ignore the moaning, don't fall into the trap of trying to fix the problem as she'll have the next (non) issue ready to throw at you. (It took me a ridiculous amount of time to figure that one out, sorting out a problem, feeling elated then having the next one thrown in my face!). I started turning it round and saying, "oh dear, what do YOU think would change that?" Or, "What can YOU do to help YOU feel better?" I also do that with the young ones at work and it does stop them moaning about insignificant things.

Could you suggest that 10 days might be too long this time as you'll be working, would she prefer to head home a bit earlier this time to catch up with friends etc?

I don’t think I can shorten her stay - she would tell people we were too busy to have her which is a Very Bad Thing.

Her bus is booked so it’s better to keep it as it is.
DS is home and he’ll be quite good at getting her out for walks.

Not all old people do this as they age. Looking back I think Mum has always had a tendency to be this way- never happy with living in the moment, always thinking the grass is greener for everyone else.

I’m sad too because our relationship used to be great. Now I can’t tell her any of my issues because she’s not interested or she just relates it to how awful her life is, or how it’s going to negatively impact her. I think I need to accept it and in my mind let go of what once was IYSWIM. It’s also made me determined not to end up this way!

Just go to work and let her get on with it, it's up to her whether she wants to be miserable or do something. As long as she knows this Christmas is different ie you're now working, then it's up to her to prepare by bringing a book or jigsaw or some ideas to occupy her time.

I know you said you couldn't shorten the stay this time but worth thinking about for future years? Mine behaves like this and nearly drove me mad staying for five nights over Christmas 2019. The absolutely blissful following two years of not having to see her at Christmas because of Covid have made me change around Christmas completely so she now comes for max three nights.

Is she a widow and, if so, has this mindset crept in since bereavement? Her diary may be full but she's probably telling the truth when she says it's just to fill the hours. They can be excrutiating long when you're on your own and no amount of friends or activities can ever replace your lifetime partner. I think all you can do is as others have said, which is nod and smile or have you thought about going away for Christmas? Is that doable, at least for a couple of days?

Yes she is a widow and is still grieving my stepdad after 10 years. But she’s always needed someone else to rely on and has never been terribly self resilient, even when she was younger.
Both me and DH have to work around Christmas this year so going away isn’t an option for any of us.
There’s no other immediate family apart from me either so it’s not as if Mum can alternate where she goes.

Ah, sorry I forgot about your work rota. I think you're going to have to try to ignore. You've basically become her emotional punchbag but you really can't leave her on her own. I do think you should, after this Christmas, cut down on the 10 days though. That really is rather a lot by most standards. You have my sympathy, I know it's tough.