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Elderly parents

Concerning behaviour

17 replies

Greybottle · 28/11/2024 17:21

I think my mother who is in her early 70s has cognitive issues but there's nothing diagnosised. I have a list the length of my arm that is behavioural and mood and comprehension stuff.

I am finding a new behaviour that is concerning to me.

For years anytime she left the house, she would lock her bedroom door and then hide the key. She is paranoid that someone is going to target the house and her room when she's gone. We live in a good area and break ins don't happen.

Maybe there is some substance to this in that one of our neighbours is a prick and he can be bad.
She also has an ex husband who was abusive but he's long long and he's still alive but he's not a threat any more.
I have a sibling who is estranged from the family and she is a nut job but she doesn't come home.

So maybe she does have some substance to locking her bedroom when she's gone.

However sometimes I do find it hurtful because sometimes I am at home and surely I would be security if anyone was to come and in incidents like that it is nearly implied she's locking her door in case I snoop.

One of the behaviours I have from her was that she was going into my room, not to ever help me but snooping and rooting and lifting things. So maybe she thinks I am doing the same to her but I am not.

I found something new in that she is now locking her bedroom door at nighttime when she goes to bed. I am finding this completely concerning in that, if she was to ever take a turn over night, how do I help her? Like if there was morning that she doesn't rise and the morning is dragged out and she's not getting up? How do I help her? Most people when helping another person would call a doctor or an ambulance. I would have to have phone a locksmith.

Last year I did think of stuff in that what happens if she was to ever lose her key and I did get a spare key for stuff like that. However she's now locking her bedroom door at night time and she will more than likely leave the key in the door so it means I won't even be able to unlock the door and I would have to phone a locksmith.

One of my neighbours died in her sleep last year. What if the same thing happens to my mother. Especially considering I know she experiences UTIs and often they are neglected. Also my partner has an aging mother and often when she gets up at night she tends to fall. What happens if my mother was to ever fall in her room too? How would I help her when her door is locked? It's absolutely concerning.

OP posts:
Greybottle · 28/11/2024 18:38

Her locking her door any time she leaves the home, that is her own thing and that's fine.

However I am concerned that she's locking her door going to bed at nighttime.

What if she was to take a turn in the middle of the night or if she doesn't wake in the morning and dies in her sleep like what happened to another lady. I won't be able to help her.

I tried on a different door handle, locking the door and pushing the key out from the other side to see if I could use the spare key but that doesn't work. If anything was to happen to her I would have to call a locksmith just to gain entry into her room.

OP posts:
Sushicucumbersalad · 28/11/2024 18:42

Locking her bedroom door when she leaves isn't at all concerning, if she wants to do so, let her carry on.

Locking it when she goes to bed however is an issue, she could fall or become unwell, plus it's a huge fire risk. I'd be having a conversation about those risks and making sure she's aware that her locking the door means no one can help her quickly in an emergency, perhaps she will rethink locking it at night

Chowtime · 28/11/2024 18:43

Just take the key off her and pretend you don't know where it is

jajhgyt · 28/11/2024 18:55

I mean a huge amount of people her age live alone and don't have anyone around in case something went wrong in the night. I don't see why her licking her door is an issue.

Greybottle · 28/11/2024 18:58

Sushicucumbersalad · 28/11/2024 18:42

Locking her bedroom door when she leaves isn't at all concerning, if she wants to do so, let her carry on.

Locking it when she goes to bed however is an issue, she could fall or become unwell, plus it's a huge fire risk. I'd be having a conversation about those risks and making sure she's aware that her locking the door means no one can help her quickly in an emergency, perhaps she will rethink locking it at night

This is it. Locking the door during the day is not a problem. I just explained the situation that is. However locking it at nighttime is a problem and for the reasons that you say too. What if she falls or what else and I can't help her.

I know her like the back of my hand and chatting to her about it, won't do a thing. She will only just dismiss me and any of my concerns and wrote it off quickly.

OP posts:
Greybottle · 28/11/2024 19:01

jajhgyt · 28/11/2024 18:55

I mean a huge amount of people her age live alone and don't have anyone around in case something went wrong in the night. I don't see why her licking her door is an issue.

Yes I understand if someone lives alok e and why they would lock a door for security reasons. However she doesn't live alone. I live with her and we live in a good area too and it's not too built up with people. Bad things that you often see in the news and other places like break ins and theft and assaults don't usually happen and we also have some fantastic neighbours.

I am concerned if anything was to happen to her at night. If she was to fall getting out of bed or if she just doesn't wake up some morning. I wouldn't be able to help her. I would have to phone a locksmith.

OP posts:
Greybottle · 28/11/2024 19:02

Chowtime · 28/11/2024 18:43

Just take the key off her and pretend you don't know where it is

I considered taking her key but I think that will cause her a huge amount of upset and distress too and she would be anxious looking for it.

OP posts:
jajhgyt · 28/11/2024 19:02

am concerned if anything was to happen to her at night. If she was to fall getting out of bed or if she just doesn't wake up some morning. I wouldn't be able to help her. I would have to phone a locksmith.

You would be able to help her, because you could have the door unlocked. My point is most adults of that age don't have a younger relative with immediate access to them 'just in case'

DemonicCaveMaggot · 28/11/2024 19:05

Install an electronic lock on the door so she can lock it on the inside, but you can unlock it in an emergency from the outside using a key fob.

I don't think locking the door is a cognitive concern. If she couldn't remember how to use a key or tried unlocking the hinges instead of the lock (as an elderly in law of my sister's did) that would be a worry.

Greybottle · 28/11/2024 19:18

DemonicCaveMaggot · 28/11/2024 19:05

Install an electronic lock on the door so she can lock it on the inside, but you can unlock it in an emergency from the outside using a key fob.

I don't think locking the door is a cognitive concern. If she couldn't remember how to use a key or tried unlocking the hinges instead of the lock (as an elderly in law of my sister's did) that would be a worry.

I am familiar with them electronic locks from a different place. I did consider a lock and handle like that however she won't take to anything new like that she likely won't let me carry out work like that.

OP posts:
Mum5net · 28/11/2024 19:41

Has she previously had OCD tendencies?
Sounds like she is on a downward spiral, sadly.
She’s likely fairly rigid, so if you suggest she uses a laser beam in her room as a different deterrent, she’ll not listen.
if she insists on the key then maybe install a smoke alarm and try to remove candles or fan heaters or unnecessary furniture.

Greybottle · 28/11/2024 20:05

Mum5net · 28/11/2024 19:41

Has she previously had OCD tendencies?
Sounds like she is on a downward spiral, sadly.
She’s likely fairly rigid, so if you suggest she uses a laser beam in her room as a different deterrent, she’ll not listen.
if she insists on the key then maybe install a smoke alarm and try to remove candles or fan heaters or unnecessary furniture.

She never had OCD when I was younger but she does have some obsessions now. She has some obsessions like hand washing clothes and it seems as if working with water brings her some sort of comfort. She will stand at a sink lifting cloths up and down from a bowl of water for ages. She would be completely oblious id I need get water from the sink or need to do food preparation and she gets angry if I even try to ask for water. It's hard to say.

So she was never OCD but she doesn't have some obsessions now.

Is the suggestion of removing candles and fan heaters a way to minimise any fires in case a fire does happen and I can't get her out on time?

We do have candles in the house and that would be a big thing removing them. I could start removing some candles slowly.

We do t have any heaters in the house.

The only thing she has is an electric blanket which I was never happy about. She lived for years without one but she was gifted one before. So it is one of those under blankets where you place it on top of the mattress. I am not very happy with that because I know she sleeps with hot water bottles. Also I don't know if she is wetting herself at night time. She is experiencing UTIs that she generally ignores. I often thought about removing the electric blanket but then I just don't know how she would respond to that.

The locking herself into her room for nighttime is completely concerning to be honest.

OP posts:
Mum5net · 28/11/2024 20:29

Yes, just minimising risk.
I send you a hug, OP.
Your DM is quite young to be developing such difficult issues. Whether it is a form of psychosis or other cognitive behaviour, only professionals will know.
Make sure you have Power of Attorney sorted soon and be aware she might be able to claim Attendance Allowance in the near future if she is struggling with personal care.
Your big challenge is if she needs carers further down the line. Bringing caters into your home could be a battle.

Mum5net · 28/11/2024 20:31

Carers not caters

WeeOrcadian · 28/11/2024 20:38

If she has a UTI, that could well explain the behaviour, but possibly not

Not very helpful, sorry

Greybottle · 28/11/2024 21:09

Ok, thank you. I got advice from else where and I was told if anything was to happen I would have to call emergency services and they will be able to remove the door of the hinges. It's still disappointing that I could be faced with a challenge like this when it's needless but just not locking her door.

OP posts:
EmotionalBlackmail · 28/11/2024 21:25

You can ask the fire brigade for advice and a home visit. They checked electric blankets were safe (eg no frayed wires) for us, and smoke alarms were installed. They'd be useful about door locking and escaping a fire.

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