So bloody exhausted waiting for someone to die 4

[StiffyByngsDogBartholomew]

continuing from our last thread

www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5036546-so-bloody-exhausted-waiting-for-someone-to-die-3?page=40&reply=140073671

@GoldenSpraint I totally understand and I wish for exactly the same for my mum. I hope the morphine helps keep things as peaceful as possible.

@Sunflower101 So tough for all of you, especially your mum. Are they providing a hospital bed and any other equipment for your Dad?

@DancingFerret I’d like to say I’m surprised but after our experiences of NHS care recently, I don’t think anything would shock me. Your family have been let down so badly, time after time.
I’m sorry for your loss. Take care of yourself, it’s such a lot to process x

Thank you all, I’m finding it helpful to write this down. It’s tough for us all and I have had time to catch up with earlier posts on this thread to gain understanding of how each of you are in this situation..
Dad arrived back home last night about 11 pm. He must have been exhausted. I’ve not rung Mum yet but will later. They’ve old fashioned landline phone only!
My dad does have a hospital style bed at home already thankfully, commode and special pressure cushion.

My Dad is now eight days post stroke and in a pitiful state with no improvement. Over the last two days I’ve literally spent minutes with him. Yesterday it was because the ward thought they had a case of Norovirus and today it was because of a suspected Covid case. On each occasion they closed the ward to visitors. I dread Dad dying even though we weren’t close but he’s the only immediate family I have left. On the other hand I really wonder if I’m condemning him to a life of misery and pain. I’ve signed a Respect form as POA stating no DNR or PEG feed but the staff plan to feed him via a naso gastric tube. Dad developed aspiration pneumonia a few days ago which he’s being treated for but I really wonder if this is the right thing to do. Sadly Dad never made an advanced directive and we never discussed what he’d want if he became unwell.

How absolutely bloody awful for you and your dad, @AgitatedGoose

❤️ ❤️ ❤️

I'm awake at 4.40am having spent the night turning over things in my mind.

Mum is now aspirating when drinking and taking liquid medication. She last ate on Tuesday I think.

She's in pain despite the morphine, so later I'll call District Nurses and hopefully they'll fit a driver and increase her dose.

I feel a sense of dread that this might not be the end, that somehow she'll rally just enough to keep going. I'm an atheist but I'm praying for this to be it, for her to now slip away without pain, and have a little thread of dignity at the end.

🙏 ❤️

@Guineapiggiesmalls I don't know if you've come back here but just to say I'm sorry for your loss. I hope you are finding some peace.

@GoldenSpraint I’m not sure if it’s helpful or not to know that my mum last ate on the Sunday evening, and died just a day less than two weeks later. Writing it down is really sad, but I also feel like she took control herself and feel reassured that she was able to make the decision. I did have to be quite fiem
with the hospice, and quietly lose my temper when I found an opened nutrition drink thing in her room

Thank you @Guineapiggiesmalls it's really helpful.

One of mum's carers last night said another client of hers didn't eat for four months before she died which I thought was horrific for the poor lady. When my dad stopped eating I think it was about 10 days.

District nurse has been and given her an injection. I've to ring them when my mum's in pain and they'll come and give another injection. Meanwhile I'm giving the usual 5ml which isn't touching the pain, so I'll be ringing them a lot I imagine!

I mentioned a driver but District Nurse said to try other ways first. I imagine it's quite invasive.

Mum says she wants to get better poor thing. Because she has advanced dementia she's no idea what's going on. She's suffering mentally and physically and I just want it to be over for her. ❤️

I'm very thankful she's here at home and no one can be stopping her from just gently resting like some of your experiences here. ❤️

Sorry for continuing to ramble on here.

Mum's sleeping very peacefully, her breathing is a couple of deep breaths then nothing for about 30 seconds, then a couple more deep breaths, then nothing. Her hands are swollen, a lot of her is cool to touch.

Dr Google tells me all this is end of life. I'm totally at peace with that.

As long as she's comfortable and pain free, I'm happy.

❤️ 🙏

@GoldenSpraint Wishing you strength in the period ahead. The breathing that you’ve observed is known as Cheyne Stokes breathing and indicates a person is actively dying. I’m told people can still hear for a long time as this is the last sense to go. Thinking of you.

Thanks so much @AgitatedGoose 🙏 💓

Thinking of you Golden Spraint and of your mum, I hope all remains peaceful.

Thanks so much @PermanentTemporary 🙏 💓

.We had the privilege of having Mum at home for her final six weeks, after she'd stopped eating and medication was withdrawn. Her breathing became like your Mum's @GoldenSpraint , and we had a few false alarms. She eventually chose her time, early one morning with my brother and I sat either side of her bed. She breathed and then she didn't. It was calm and everything we wished for her and for us. The stressed calls to out of hours nurses over the previous nights were forgotten very quickly.

I wish the same for you and your Mum.

Thank you so much @ajandjjmum ❤️🙏

District nurses have been tonight. They thought she will live through the night, but that the breathing is her body getting ready.

I feel so crushed and twisted inside. I've been waiting for this since September, there's been a tension in my life, the not knowing when coupled with the knowing it's inevitable.

Only the other day I was wondering if she'd make another Christmas and hoping she wouldn't.

And now it's happening and it's so peaceful for her, but everything is suddenly gushing out, and I'm finally feeling all the emotions and can't bear that I'm going to lose my dear mum.

So sorry @GoldenSpraint. Have you someone else with you as it sounds as if you will be keeping vigil through the night. You must be completely exhausted which isn't helping emotionally either. It sounds so hard.

Thank you @AInightingale ❤️🙏

No it's just me. It'll pass, just another stage to acknowledge and accept. 😔

@GoldenSpraint Sending a hug and handhold. I’ll be thinking of you at this incredibly sad time. I hope you have people to support you as I know how difficult it is if you’re going through this alone.

It's just me @AgitatedGoose but I'll get through it 😊 Always do!

Feeling a bit more peaceful about it now. 🙏❤️

Thinking of you @GoldenSpraint - I am a lurker on here but remember the sense of suspended time when I did a similar vigil. Sending you all the very best for tonight and the days to come.

Thank you so much @LarkRize 🙏❤

Today I was introduced to the horrors of terminal agitation.

Poor poor Mum.

However the just in case meds came to the rescue again, and she settled after a little Midazolam.

I like spending time with her and listening to her breathing and the in and out of the air mattress. It's all very restful, which is how I want it to be for her.

It reminds me of the times I spent with my dad in his home when he was dying. Just sitting listening to the gentle noises of his bed, and his occasional grunts.

Thinking about you @GoldenSpraint and another long night ahead. How are you managing to eat or sleep or shower?

Thinking of you @GoldenSpraint, like @AInightingale says I hope you are able to take a little time for your own self care too.