So bloody exhausted waiting for someone to die 4

[StiffyByngsDogBartholomew]

continuing from our last thread

www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5036546-so-bloody-exhausted-waiting-for-someone-to-die-3?page=40&reply=140073671

That's quite eventful, must be scary for him and worrying for you 😢 it really puts things into perspective and horrible to go on like that if it's so stressful

My mum's delusions are the one saving grace in the awfulness that's her life. We were on the Orient Express the other night!

Yes I was worried about my DF being scared and confused in hospital. But actually his delusions aren't confronting in a massive way though he did get agitated from time to time. Talking to his care home manager his delusions actually soften the blow of his quality of life (he is entirely bed bound now with no body or muscle strength) - it's when he looks at the reality of his quality of life that it's worse and he wants to die.

His delusions are easy to sit with and go with the flow of - my sisters and I find them amusing to exchange - poor old man. It's unrelentingly dire otherwise.

Has anyone managed to pull back a parent from their deluded world into reality? I need to speak to DM about an important matter that she isn’t going to like but needs to be discussed.

I was actually lost for words when I saw this article in the DM earlier. Scientists pinpoint exactly how long you'll live after a dementia diagnosis - and it's good news for women | Daily Mail Online

I know when it comes to witless gibbering inanity, the Mail generally do smash it out of the park, but my God.

Apparently living nine years after a dementia diagnosis is 'good news' for women.

Poor men, they only get to relish the joys of cognitive collapse for an average of two.

Shit. Mum was diagnosed 4 years ago so another 5 years. Where can I emigrate to?

Beneath the bizarrely chirpy tone (happy to say the journalist has been trailed apart in the comments), it's probably fairly accurate, 9-10 years is the average female life expectancy with AD I think (other dementias are faster progressing). My mother was struggling seven years ago, I'd date the beginning of her condition from then. She's frail now, I wouldn't like to think she has more than a couple of years to go in this degrading state.

For a change the comments are excellent

FFS. How could anyone think this was good news!!!. I’d tear the journalist apart if I could get hold of them.

My mum's had dementia at least ten sorry sad years, but was only finally diagnosed five years ago.

And some people like this moron think another five is to be celebrated.

@TomatoPotato yes,.DF is id say 3 years into this journey with vascular dementia and some.days is very with it and you are able to have a conversation. Although those days are few and far between now, last week he told me the cut on his hand was from a shark hook when he went fishing! DF has never fished in my lifetime so no idea where that statement came from. Has also returned to asking to go home and I have to tell him he is "a ward of court" and I can't take him home that seems to work in calming him. I don't know how much longer this absolute misery will continue and I said to DH the other day that when DF was sectioned I thought he would recover and come home but I think that was just me not facing reality

Sorry to read this @Tara336 My mum did something shameful about 2 years ago when she had capacity but the chickens are coming home to roost now and I want to ask her why she did it. DH says no, don’t confront her but I want to know why she did what she did and ultimately we have to sell her house from under her as her actions have led to this consequence.

@TomatoPotato my DF has never been a very nice man (understatement) a few months back on a good day I told him I don't forgive him for one of the particularly nasty things he did and as expected he denied it. But I felt better for having said it. Sometimes when he asks to come home I feel sorry for him but he made life hell for us before and after diagnosis. I became extremely depressed in my late teens early twenties because of him. I would be physically sick at the thought of walking into "home" because of the way I was treated. I always want to behave in a better way then him and be decent which is why I helped when he was diagnosed, he hates being in the care home and it must be awful but I'm ashamed to say sometimes I just don't care because of the way he treated me. If you can speak to your DM on a good day and you think it will help you going g forward I'd say do it.

Sitting with DF now in his care home as he lies incapacitated in bed. He didn't know who I was when I came - though seemed to after I explained. No coherence to his meanderings about having an Italian illness, an angry surgeon etc and finding out his mother died. Difficult to engage with him at all as it's quite incoherent babble. He's fallen asleep now....

I feel guilty saying this, but I’m really hating having to be a carer for my lovely mum. It’s only been months, compared to some of your years, but already I’m utterly miserable. Her personality has changed because of the brain tumour, and it’s hard work. My kids are affected, with my six year old now wetting the bed, and I’ve not had a weekend in my home since October. I mentioned hospice again today and she made a horrified face. I know I’ll regret being so resentful once she’s gone, but today is just a really tough one.

@Guineapiggiesmalls I totally understand where you're coming from. Your feelings are normal.
Regardless of the face she pulls, your family need you and a hospice sounds like a sensible option.
Can you make enquires and see if you can get her a place, then present it as a fait acompli?
In the meantime, can you cut down your visits? Tell her your DC is not coping well at the moment and you need to spend more time with then.
And remember, you're doing you're very best and have nothing to feel guilty about.

@Guineapiggiesmalls You shouldn’t feel guilty about not wanting to be a carer for your Mum and in view of the impact it’s having on you and your family the current situation isn’t sustainable. I can imagine no one had asked how you’re managing or even worse you’re told how resilient you are for coping. It sounds like your Mum needs 24/7 care and maybe you need to be firm with about what you can and cannot provide.

I don't think you'll regret being resentful @Guineapiggiesmalls but I do think you will be bruised and perhaps traumatised by this entire period. Please please do look at some alternatives. You shouldn't sacrifice your life to stop your mum making a face!

Oh @Guineapiggiesmalls you poor love. Looking back, you may feel more guilt about spending less time with your 6yr old during this time than with your mum. You are being pulled in so many different ways that you must look after yourself before you can look after anyone else. Please do look at getting extra help with your mum.

@Tara336 The difficulty of caring for parents who didn’t care for you is rarely acknowledged. In my experience you get a pat on the head and told how strong you are for not being utterly ground down about your childhood trauma. This completely invalidates what happened to you and makes asking for help much more harder.

Thank you all. Last night was a complete disaster, my mum ended up bleeding from an injection site and it wouldn’t stop so called 999. She’s been taken away in an ambulance, which also feel v guilty about as she’s desperate not to be in hospital. Selfishly thinking that this could be helpful as she would be an unsafe discharge and may end up with more care/support.

@AgitatedGoose when DF was sectioned he was in there quite a while we found a care home that would agree to take him as he was violent and uncooperative. I was in contact a lot with the manager of the unit where DF was and just having a complete stranger say to me they had noticed that DF was manipulative and controlling with newer less experienced staff members was a weight off my shoulders because although I always knew he way like it being told its been by someone "neutral" was a relief.

@Tara336 that’s a very insightful post. My DM’s carehome manager also has the measure of my mum and her “enabling” relatives who swoop in, create mayhem with their unreasonable demands and criticism of my mum’s care (which is excellent) and then f o again for months at a time. But I’m the bad guy who was told for years that i was the difficult one. To finally be supported and validated by neutral non-family members is a relief and helps me get through this sack of shhhhh…

@TomatoPotato I've been careful to never criticise the carers as they are looking after someone that we just could not cope with. I think when you have a "difficult" (being polite) parent you do always wonder is it me? I always knew that things weren't right because I looked at my friends families and then at my own and thought why is my family so stressful to be around? It took sometime to realise it wasn't me that was the issue (despite DF telling me I was) so just that validation from a complete stranger was huge for me. I truly believe the reason I have a chronic illness is because of the permanent state of anxiety I lived in having to deal with DF.

@Guineapiggiesmalls God.

If it helps with the guilt, your child will be affected for decades by whatever happens now. Your poor Mum won't, because she won't live anywhere near as long.

Sometimes it is just about choosing which turd to step in.