I don't know what to do......

[Greybottle]

Every week I do online grocery shopping for both me and my mother.

I am coming to realise that this might be causing her more harm than good. I know online groceries is a convenience. It should be making people's life's better and it does help me.

My mother never carved a life of her own outside of the family. She has no friends or social network or even any hobbies.

I realise that online groceries is hindering her now. In that she is less inclined to go for a walk to the local village when there's groceries delivered to the door.

I think maybe she should go to the local village more often and go into the local community and see who she sees and she may even talk to someone, anyone. Even if the only meet she does is the cashier in a shop.

Its just she got up this morning filled with so much aggro out of nowhere. She likely has no idea what to do with her day. I have seen her many times spend every single day aggressively attacking the home and cleaning and nearly being OCD like. It's not OCD. I think she's idle and bored.

I think if I wasn't ordering groceries to the door, she might be more inclined to go to the local village more often.

I don't own a car so I can't take her shopping for a day.

I have a shop booked for home delivery tomorrow and I don't know if I should cancel it. It's just she is filled with so much aggro this morning. Maybe if she was going out walking she might not be building up so much anger over nothing.

Why don't you buy her staples that are heavy and she tops up with a small amount of perishables such as bread, milk etc locally so she can still pop out to the local shop and talk to people?

My Dad used to do this before he became housebound. Now I buy his staples online and top up the bread and milk locally so that we visit more often otherwise he doesn't see anyone.

Also have a look at what is going on locally in the area that might interest her. Some areas offer transport to get people to groups and activities if she cannot get their on foot or bus.

Would she physically be able to carry all of her shopping? It's the bigger bulkier things like tins, potatoes, cereal, milk, frozen foods that can make it difficult.

Could the heavier/bulkier things be an online order and then she needs to top up milk and bread herself?

She wouldn't be able to carry the bigger heavier items and I wouldn't have the heart to do that to her.

I'm thinking about reducing the amount of online orders. I use to make an order every week but now I am thinking every second week. I can bulk buy the bigger heavier items and whatever is on offer. It would mean the first week after the shop, she likely won't be going to the local village but by the second week, it should force her out from the house and into the local community.

I see her now today and she's full of aggro and idleness and she just forcing herself to find things to do. Instead of looking down the path of a hobby or a social group. She's being difficult to be around today.

I had a shop booked for tomorrow but she's being very stubborn and angry and controlling as well in that she doesn't know how to use the internet and needs me to help but she wants to control my time and do it in her time. All without any gratitude. So I think I will tell her the shop cancelled the order again. She has nothing but hate for me when all I do is help her.

How old? Does she have a shopping trolley thing she could carry her shopping in?

Early 70s. She has no shopping trolly pull along bag. Just regular plastic shopping bags for whenever she does go to the shop.

Would it not throw her if you cancelled an expected order? I would let this one go and the. change for the future to say every 2 weeks?

My DM is quite a lot older than your DM. Up until a few months ago she was independently getting most of her shopping from local supermarket which was in walking distance, using her shopping trolley.
Unfortunately a few months ago she was ill which hit her mobility. Her world has shrunk and it has hit her cognitively too. I’m doing her shopping, laundry etc. Slowly but surely trying to build up her independence again which hopefully will improve things

A friend of mine who was substantially less mobile than your mum used to get a taxi to and from the supermarket each week - she managed to get round the shop because she had the trolley for support. However she was very clear that it was good for her to get out in so many ways; she could choose exactly what to eat, but also she was out of her house, interacting with people. Others would have been willing to shop for her, but she knew that this was actually really beneficial, and she was right. I suspect that your mum would benefit from getting out - perhaps with you still getting the bulky stuff delivered.

Was your mum very dependent / codependent on your dad? I see this a lot in married couples of that generation. And now he is no longer around that dependency has moved to you?

A healthy relationship is based on interdependence, not codependency. In a codependent relationship, one or both partners rely on the other for their sense of self, worthiness, and emotional well-being.

Did she ever work? Why hasn’t she got any friends of her own or hobbies?

Its not your job to run around after your mum and it’s not your job to make her happy.

You aren’t responsible and you need to set some boundaries with your mum.

If your mum feels miserable she needs to find some hobbies / help herself. You aren’t responsible for her happiness.

I know my advice sounds harsh - my own mum is 81 (was what - 10 years older than yours)? and my dad died many years ago. She’s active, cycles everywhere, swims, goes on walking holidays, is a member of a choir and a member of the local U3A. I don’t say this to brag - but my mum had always been very dependent.

Your mum is an adult. If she wants to sit around watching tv all day - let her get on with it. She’s an adult and can make her own choices / decisions.

Why can’t she take public transport or a taxi to the supermarket?

My mantra is - if they want to…. Let them be.

Good luck 🤞

Our church started a craft group aimed at the elderly single and bereaved. They teach crafts and provided supplies as part of the group. Is there anything like that in your mother's village? There is an art group in our village hall, nobody cares what people bring, one lady does colouring books for instance, it is more an excuse to get together and chat.