Feeling stuck

[Unicornshorn]

My parents have always had a really volatile relationship with a lot of arguing in front of me even as a very young child. I'm the eldest of two girls. My sister is a very free spirit and moved away very young and although now lives about an hours drive from my parents, but doesn't see them very often. I have a daughter and work full time. My Dad is undergoing assessment for dementia and my Mum leans on me a lot about it. I don't live close by either but get regular texts about all the things he's done to annoy her and have lots of long phone calls with her which often go around in circles. My Dad has never been easy to live with so I am trying to be there for her but it's not easy.

I'm currently perimenopausal and have been really struggling with my mental health especially in the last few months. I've had some good advice from here before about laying boundaries with my parents but how on earth do I live my life without feeling constantly guilty and just down at the prospects of what's ahead? I don't know what is hormones and what is the circumstances but I just feel like I can't have a life or do things I enjoy without feeling bad about what they're going through, or get digs from my Mum about how miserable she is.

The other day I felt so bad I accessed a telephone counsellor through work and said that I feel lost and like I have no identity of my own. I grew up feeling like I should never rock the boat or that I had to fix everything and I feel like I don't know how to navigate these new challenges with my parents and still have a happy life.

The counselling service offered me some ongoing solution focused therapy but said it won't really address the past. At the time I thought that it might be good to focus on the future, but I'm not sure.

Does anyone have any advice or similar experiences?

Thanks in advance

Hi, I am sorry to hear you feel so miserable and overwhelmed. The one thing that jumps out at me is that you seem to feel like the fixer in the family and that your sister gets a free pass from responsibility. It's very hard to be an only child or one of two when a parent gets old and vulnerable, and it's really important that you co-operate to support your parents. You need to reach out to your sister while your dad's condition is still in the early stages, because if she's distant now, she certainly won't want to help when he becomes really challenging. It sounds as if you're not exactly round the corner to help in emergencies, or in a position to drop everything. And at the same time, your sister isn't abroad or living on a remote Scottish island or something. And also get medical help for perimenopause if you can, because it really is shit. Don't let GPs palm you off with ADs!

Thank you, you're right I forgot need to try and speak to my sister. I actually did call her about things but didn't get very far. She has a very high powered job, no kids and seems to not get the guilt trips that I do. My parents dote on my child but I sometimes feel that she is used to make me feel more guilty.

I should have said I am on HRT (evorel patches and Mirena coil), but it feels like it doesn't do much to help mentally. I have also been getting physical symptoms again but if I increase the dose I feel really anxious.

When I'm not with my parents I find myself feeling guilty about their situation that it spoils any enjoyment I could have. I feel like I have no identity and that if everyone else is ok that should be enough.

I grew up feeling like I should never rock the boat or that I had to fix everything

Does that sound reasonable to you? It doesn’t sound reasonable to me.

Have a look at FOG, or other self-help themes that challenge this thinking.

Thanks, I hadn't heard of FOG before, it seems there are a lot of good resources. I'm not sure if the brief solution focused sessions I'm about to start can cover these themes, but I'll certainly do some reading into it.

There is a helpful site called Out of the Fog you would probably find helpful. Fog stands for fear, obligation and guilt.

Thank you, I'll take a look. I've just found an article on enmeshment and common signs of growing up like this and I fit with every one! It's so hard to break feeling like this as I think it's been going on so long. And when parents age it feels even harder I think as how can you say no to someone so vulnerable. It's not that I don't want to help, I just don't want to feel like I've to be miserable too and have no life of my own.

I understand what you mean about being a fixer. My go to when someone comes to me with a problem is to try to fix it. It took my adult child a while to get me to realise that, when my Mum moaned about, well anything really, she wasn't looking for a solution from me, just my sympathy.

Could your Mum be doing the same? It felt somehow wrong when Mum was describing a problem just to say "that sounds awful" instead of saying " have you tried ... How about asking ...... But it worked

And it's interesting to me that I used the word "just" in that paragraph. I can almost hear my adult child saying "no, it's not "just" you're giving her what she needs/wants.

Thank you, there is a lot of sense in what you're saying. I often say to my partner I don't want a solution I just want to be heard! I think sometimes because it can feel that she's being nasty with it that I'm condoning that if I show sympathy, so I present solutions to try and help them both if that makes sense. I'm obviously worried about my Dad but she seems to just want to criticise him and for all his faults, he can't help not remembering things for example. It's been this bitter, critical narrative for as long as I remember so when they really need me it's hard to set that aside. The one thing my sister has said to me about it is that they shouldn't have been together and now they're stuck with each other! Sorry I'm not trying to be negative I think if I can find ways at least to show that I'm listening to my Mum she might become a bit easier to deal with.

OP maybe you should take a leaf out of your sister's book and detach a bit.

If it's stressing you out and making you feel depressed to spend, so step back and focus on your own needs. Your mother is an adult, you cannot fix everything for her, nor be her counsellor. Don't be so available for calls etc. or limit your time on a call (say 15 minutes) and then say 'oh I have to go'.

In terms of your Dad, you could contact Adult services or Age Uk to see what local supports are available. You could also direct your mother to local support groups for home carers.

I've got a similar thing going on with my parents OP, mine have divorced but still sort of together but living apart anyway, in my case I have kind of detached more a bit like your sister, and live further away (which does help in a way)

But my brother is a fixer, and gets a bit fed up with me not doing stuff (I am NC with mum now) It's not easy. Dad has recently gone into council run rehab place for dementia and is en route to a care home which is a bit of a relief.

I do find the guilt hard though, it isn't easy. But I try and let it go as we can't save them, unfortunately...

There are thousands of us. All daughters. All seeing our lives taken over.
you are not alone

I don't live close by either but get regular texts about all the things he's done to annoy her and have lots of long phone calls with her which often go around in circles

1.Ignore texts. Say you don’t like texting if she asks why you don’t respond, unless it’s an emergency. Not everyone likes texting.

2.Phonecalls. To what extent is it possible to limit them. Time on the phone (10-15 mins max). Or frequency (twice a week).

It’s a tricky one and I’m not sure there are simple answers as all relationships are so different. I am dealing with a similar issue myself. The only thing one can do is increase detachment and boundaries - and it’s a process. Maybe the first tenet to keep in mind is to put yourself first.

What would happen if you started to put in boundaries do you think btw?

This could go on for a long time otherwise.

I hope the “solutions based therapy” is helpful.

Thank you all and sorry to hear what you're all going through too. I do need to focus more on myself, I just feel so lacking in direction and like there's no point. Possibly hormonal too so I maybe need an appointment with my GP. One step at a time I suppose. It is very sad but also comforting to know that there are others going through this, best wishes to you all.

Thank you for this thread, you’re not alone. So many of us are going through this. Therapy might be mostly useless, but just going through the process can help. I wish I had the answers but I don’t. It’s difficult. Try to find and take notice a few moments each day to forget about it and do something else, and don’t feel guilty about that.

@Unicornshorn sympathy https://outofthefog.website

A lot of what is said here really resonates with me. But I am the one currently pushing back and saying this is what I can and am willing to do and DB has been going over and above a bit despite living further away and as a result we’re now not really speaking after he shouted at me for ‘not giving a shit’. It’s not that I don’t give a shit but that I watched my aunty and uncle’s marriage and life destroyed by caring for my grandma for 10 years and I don’t intend to do the same so I’m trying to maintain boundaries from the very start. I am feeling guilty pretty much every single minute of every day though so will have to see how it goes! I don’t feel massively close to DM and to be honest I’ve never been good enough for DB as we are such different people. I think perhaps he should have been the sister and me the brother!

@Adropofink I absolutely feel the same. Our brother hasn’t actually said what yours did but he has taken this position of making sure we, well me specifically that he ‘thinks I don’t ;t care’. He is convinced he is making our parents his priority but frankly he is made no effort to find a nursing facility for Dad and he is making no progress with our obstinate mother.

I have stepped back as much as I can. Our Dad is safe and looked after - brother hates me using the word safe for some reason. But he is safe, safe because he is looked after all day and night so isn’t falling etc. He is also calm because he is away from our mother who winds him up.

Sadly we are now ‘not speaking’ because every time I have tried to make him see we need a sensible conversation he just gets hostile. Do I think he is out of his depth and scared - absolutely. Surely pulling together as a family unit is what needs to happen. Sadly he is rather like our mother. Buries his head in the sand about life. It is horrible.

Glad it's not just me dealing with he brother situation. Mine does things like drives hundreds of miles to take her his family cat to look after instead of getting a cat sitter nearby, for example or saying he will take dad across country to 'meet me in the middle' not sure how this would help dad who has dementia and gets emotional and upset when he sees me (such a trip would mean it would be a short time together)

I did visit dad a few months ago and stayed in a hotel nearby which worked out better as I had my own place to return to when needed. I find just doing what you want to rather than what they expect you to do is better, but it sometimes doesn't go down well.

Oh, and the time they took mum to look after their cat while they went on holiday, well she went off and left it anyway! Causing a big fuss with their holiday as they had to get someone else in to take over. I wonder if they have learnt from that.

I think also they get something out of doing these big gestures like a sense of caring / or it helps them with guilt and they have also been 'trained' from an early age to look after the parents (parentification) so that helps me think about it. It is sometimes not always altruistic- they get something out of it.

Yeh I think it is about guilt as over the years he’s lived a long way away so perhaps only visited a couple of times a year so now going to the opposite extreme because she’s lonely and he loves her and I need to fix what I’m doing before it’s too late but I’ve always seen her more regularly because I live closer and have just upped my visits from about one per month to twice and that’s enough for me. I don’t want to go and stay over like he has to due to distance and my kids certainly don’t and I don’t want to leave them so he’s angry with me and I’m selfish. Well yes I perhaps am a bit selfish but if I wasn’t sometimes life would be a bit shit. I know when my mum was my age she’d make the same choices. I think she doesn’t help though as apparently when he asks her if she’s seen me her answer is oh she’s too busy! So I don’t think I’m getting much recognition even when I do make the effort. And yet I continue to feel guilt pretty much all the time at the moment.

Sounds like you are doing fine like you are. I don't think he should be calling you 'selfish'. Maybe let go of the idea of getting recognition for anything and learn to let the guilt come and go.

Does she have different expectations of your brother because he's male?

Mine is always pathetically grateful when my brother says he'll visit, cancels
things, rearranges holidays to accommodate him. He has a very busy life, you see , rarely phones her or sees her. Then he invariably cancels at the last minute, cue the expectation that I'll suddenly rush in and visit instead. She never ever complains direct to him about him cancelling or rearranging at the last minute so he has no idea of the impact of his actions.

I think it's not that with us, it is more that I have read e.g. Out of the FOG whereas my brother has stayed with his role since childhood of being their support person. Plus also being slightly closer in distance. (I have tried sharing that site with him but he didn't say anything)