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Elderly parents

Really stuck

2 replies

ZABEEN · 19/11/2024 21:56

just need to rant. My elderly mother lives with me. She has no living relatives apart from me and my sister. My sister refuses to help me care for my mum, so I’m left to do everything. I’m a SMBC after gruelling ivf treatment, I finally have my baby.

Life with mum has always been a challenge, both me and my sister were physically and mentally abused as children by her. My sister escaped at 16, but I could never get away, Forced to stay at home while at uni. I moved away a few times but moved back when my sister was pregnant 18 years ago to help raise my nephew. Was expected to pay my way when I came home so I paid the mortgage and after a few months got my name on the deeds on my mum’s house. After 16 years in this situation where I was desperately unhappy, I told my mum I didn’t want to stay in my childhood home anymore and pay her mortgage and so I made a decision to sell up and move somewhere else in the middle of covid.

In the process of applying for a mortgage, given my mothers age, she relinquished her rights as a home owner and I used the proceeds to purchase a new home, which I wouldn’t have been able to do without her, so in a sense feel guilty for this.

I’ve never been married and she regularly makes me feel like I’m worthless. I decided two years ago to start ivf on my own and after a late miscarriage, surgery etc…I became a smbc.

for the past few years - everyday is a constant battle, if it’s not her Bp causing issues, it’s her constipation. I have taken her to hospital, the gp, specialists but no one has found there to be an issue. I’m on maternity leave and I’m so stressed out as every night there will be a new ailment. She is literally in her room now, threatening me. I know she has a mental illness and we discussed with the gp about starting antidepressants but she refused. I’m scared about the future as I will be returning to work in 6 months, selfishly I need her to watch my baby for 1 day a week the rest of the time baby will be in nursery.

it’s all taken a toll on my health as my blood pressure is high. I’ve asked my sister to help. Most of the time she doesn’t answer the phone. She will only respond to texts and that is sporadically. My dad died a long time ago, so I have noone. I’m scared regarding my finances and worried about childcare for my baby. I don’t know what to do about my
mother. Feeling saddened, depressed, lonely and frightened.

OP posts:
BlueLegume · 20/11/2024 10:38

@ZABEEN oh what a tricky situation. There will be some sensible suggestions from people who have experienced similar. It sounds like you have coped with your Mum when perhaps you needed help some time ago. Could you speak to your midwife/health visitor as they will be concerned about the stress you are under. I will tread gently here - do you think your Mum is the right person to leave your baby with? Flowers

Shybutnotretiring · 20/11/2024 12:18

I feel sorry for you too. It sounds like a nightmare. I think you'd be making a major mistake to leave your baby with your mother once a week. Even if she can do this competently, you just know it will be used as a weapon against you. Have the baby in nursery 5 days a week. I know it's expensive but are there any working tax credits which would help? As for the house do you then effectively own it 50-50 with your mother? In which case sell it, give her half of the proceeds and let her decide for herself whether she can buy or rent somewhere on her own or has to go into a nursing home. You won't get any peace until you live separately.

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