I'm feeling resentful. Can you help me get past it?

[Indulgingmum]

Mother has dementia.

Her memory is fine and in terms of how she treats people nothing huge has changed.

She does have cognitive decline though. She forgets how to do things and her body is failing in terms of strength and co ordination.

We have maxed. Out the domiciles care she can have. She's also got me and a sibling going in daily. A twice weekly cleaner and
Twice weekly hairdresser. A podiatrist once
Per month and a beautician once
Per month. She gets meals delivered too (all ranged by me.) I run her house play her bills and if she's worried I soothe her and she's fine. She has a call button attached to a safety centre.

Recently she is becoming very demanding. When we visit she doesn't even say hello just launches into a list of jobs she wants done. She will also say things like "oh I know I'm a burden," or "I know you don't have time for me" despite me never ever having said or indicated this and I'm really careful not to. She has a history of attention seeking behaviour which worsened once dad died.

She's was a very selfish and religious mother so she controlled with an iron fist. She didn't put us first and was always more concerned about what ppl in church thought of her.

Now she's expecting me to drop everything at the drop of a hat nd put her first. I'm really resentful. Today I've to take her to doctors because she said she's feeling dizzy and keeps falling to the side. I've to arrange for someone else to collect my kids and mind them because the GP insisted if I didn't take her down to go surgery I had to take her to A&E. I really can't do that. I'm pissed off because I know there is nothing else wrong with her. I'm annoyed this is really affecting my home life now.

One day she says she wants a home then when I go and research it she cries and tells me she didn't mean it and I just want rid of her. I am close to the edge here. Especially today it is impacting
On my kids life and I'm really stressed about it.

Sister works 8-4 months to fri and so only visits in evenings. And Saturdays.

How do I get over this resentment?

@Indulgingmum what a tricky time but what I would say is well done on the organising of all that for your DM. I am treading carefully here but lonely older people do thrive on attention-good and bad. Do you think there is anyway you could reduce the visits so she has to have some time in her own company? You really are not responsible for other peoples happiness.

In terms of her comments about you ‘not having time for her’ I think this is part of elderly, particularly mothers, cliche bingo card. It serves no purpose as a sentence especially if it said when you are stood in front of her - so you clearly ‘do have time for her’.

Resentment is a tricky one. There is a good website called Out of the F.O.G which might help but also a great article by Philippa Perry which I will link but this quote is powerful ‘If you gave up your life to care for her, you wouldn’t be helping. Instead, you would be enabling her to not help herself and she would drag you down with her. Think of it like this: yes, she is drowning but, if you jump in to save her, you are going to drown, too.’ Full article is here https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/oct/22/ask-philippa-perry-my-mums-depression-drags-me-down-i-feel-i-need-to-stay-away#comments

Also link to F.O.G website. Lots of great tools and resources https://outofthefog.website

Lots of very wise people on this site.

hello OP, sending you a big hug, and also following your thread …. I feel a similar resentment and it’s been hard to know what to do, esp when my mother is being rude or behaving badly. And I don’t do anything like as much as you. All I do now is phone twice a week and visit once a month, food ordering and occasional Amazon order. I used to do more (never medical) but have stopped now and don’t offer to do anything. To be fair I live 2 hours away and have health issues so that’s my excuse. But I still don’t do anything willingly - because of our rltnsp and the awful things she’s done over the years.

However it does seem to me that you are doing way too much. It’s not clear why you have to visit her every day - once a week would be more than enough surely? Can you not just tell her that and stick to it? Have you had that “special training” people on MN talk about, that her needs come first no matter what? It sounds like you have everything in place - that must have been exhausting to organise - and it’s time to step right back. Tell her you can only visit once a week because of childcare responsibilities- make up a reason if you have to - but stick to it?

If she’s self funding you can pay social
services to organise the care too - at least that’s what SS told me when I told them I couldn’t do very much, even though she’s self funding.

I don’t know what else to say as I feel similarly trapped by resentment. In my own case I wish I had maintained a period of NC some years ago. All I can suggest is do less and less, create more boundaries internal and external, and be mindful to be getting on with your life and your children’s life first and foremost.

Letting go of resentment is something not so easily attained I think - maybe it’s something have to continually work at in terms of detachment and inner and external boundaries, - but maybe the more you practice it the easier it gets?. I did try and get some therapy as I needed some support; it wasn’t actually much use as I don’t think either therapist I saw (for a few weeks each) quite understood - but I think it helped me sort things a bit in my own mind.

Why do you have to take her to the GP or to A&E, disrupting your children's lives? Surely if she complains about feeling unwell she could take a taxi to the GP surgery or, if it's really serious, call an ambulance? Some areas have a lifts service that can help people get to appointments.

She absolutely would not be able to take a taxi anywhere. She shuffles round her house using a trolly so she wouldn't be able to go out of the house to get in the taxi on her own. She can only walk about 20 metres at max before falling over so I put her in a wheelchair when I take her out. She wouldn't even be able to pay the taxi driver. She panics if she has to interact with anyone she doesn't know.

She has zero ability to leave the house independently. It's down to me to take her.

I'm going to have to pull back. Today the kids had a blip after school and their lift home left without them. It's just pure stress. I can't do it anymore.

It sounds like she needs a carer who can drive to take her to appointments, or the patient transport service if there's still one in your area.

This absolutely shouldn't be on you.

Speak to the Alzheimer's Society and see what support is available in your area.
Also, look at what financial support is offered to her and you.

Also please sort out any paperwork if still possible in the form of POA etc.

I'm a former carer OP as well as having looked after my Dad very intensely in his last years of life. It doesn't get easier, it just gets harder and harder as their decline progresses.

Do you get on well with your sibling? Can you have an honest chat about setting boundaries together and a plan about potential care issues going forward?

@Patienceinshortsupply we get on better than we used too. We have had a conversation about this believe it or not. We have cut back to one visit from us per day.

She's very demanding. If she fees she isn't getting enough from us she will create a drama to get us there.

This is impossible.

What's the financial situation? Could she have a live in carer?

I think the alternative is respire care with a view to permanent placement.

I say respite because tbh it sounds like a faster route in. I'd imagine you are going to have to grit your teeth.

This sounds like a very good idea. You're children should come first.

I don't think you do need to get past the feelings of resentment @Indulgingmum

Your feelings are valid and your mother is being very unreasonable - anyone normal (not a saint) would feel resentment in your shoes. You have those feelings because you are being pushed beyond what is endurable.

I see you've now decided to pull back and I think that's very sensible. You need to protect your own mental health and you completely reasonably want to prioritise your children's needs over your mother's.

To be blunt, she needs to be in a home.

This is really tough. We had similar with my sister who had early onset Lewy body dementia. I know it doesn't help but lots of it will be the dementia talking. My sister used to get upset and angry with us for not going to see her (we went nearly every day).

We found Age UK invaluable with their advice and help. In terms of care, while my sister was still at home, we didn't really want carers going in 3 times a day as she still very much knew what was going on, and we felt this would be a bit 'anonymous' for her. We managed to get 2 PAs who were very flexible and who built up a relationship with her, and would take her to appointments etc. She really liked them, they would go for coffee as well as helping her to cook food etc. I'm not sure if this was just our local authority, but I'm pretty sure it was Age UK who helped us. Would this be something you could look into? Every carer we did have was fantastic, but this was a little more personal, they were more like companions and it took the pressure off my other sister and me.

She finally went into a care home which meant the PAs had to stop, so we visited nearly every day. It's exhausting, however much you want to do the right thing. You feel guilty because you have your own life to live and they are not grateful (it's not their fault), but I totally understand how you feel. You really have to think of yourself though. You have a life and your mum won't know if you've been to see her the day before or a couple of days before. It's harsh, but you can do everything possible for her and still feel guilty.

It's a horrible situation, but I would get in touch with Age UK and social services who also were a great help. We had no idea what we were doing at first, as my sister was only 58 when she was diagnosed. I 100% understand that resentment and guilt, but you are doing so much for her, you need to look after yourself.

I wish you all the best. It's such a tough thing to deal with xx