I am sure everyone knows the story of the oxygen mask being out on first on oneself, to be able to then save others.
I am in my mid 40s Only child, my DM is in her early 80s and lives in another country on her own. I finished uni, got my first job, moved out already at 21 and got married at 24, always very independant and determined as I loved my then husband, we were young and ambitious but my parents were against the relationship. I remember my DM saying to me when I announced we want to get married, that they will not help with potential grandchildren. We never had kids, after 11 years we got divorced. I got married again and divorced again. No children. Today in my mid 40s I noticed a pattern. I never had children possibly out of fear. I jumped from relationship to relationship out of fear of being alone. I am currently in a relationship (unhappy) but can not afford to leave, not married and big age gap where my current DP thinks I will eventually be his carer (we nearly there already). My DM has started declining in last 2 years. I fly there 2x a year. She is very social, independant and has still friends and a network. I call here every day and we speak for 1h about the day and plans for tomorrow etc but she has started making comments that upset me more and more. I recently changed career and do freelance (part of me preparing myself for more flexibilty to visit DM more often), freelance means less money in my case so I do have limited budget, this year was exceptionally tough for me but I managed to get a plane fare within my budget and bought tickets for Christmas. When I told her that I am coming over and when, instead of being excited she was all deflated that I come over only for a few days. I explained to her that work is difficult, money is tight and I have to be mindful. Another thing is I do not want to be here with my DP adult children who are very disrespectful, I'd rather fly to see my DM. My DM then added a martyr comment how it would be so much easier for me if she hadnt been around anymore. It really upset me. We had years of very difficult relationship and we are ok now only because through therapy I learned how to manage it all but I still get caught in my DM moods. She also makes comments about the fact she never had grandchildren. I do not refer back to the story of what she said about not supporting me as a new mother hence the fear, hence the childlessness. I think my move abroad was a form of running away. I was able to be trully free, be with a man I loved, have the freedom of choice, the fun I did not have when I lived with my parents. Each boyfriend was under scrutiny, sex was forbidden, it was very restrictive. Over 20 years abroad I build my little (not perfect) independece and world, I have my privacy and in recent months, little snippets of conversations suggest my DM would like me to be there to cook, clean and run errands for her. She is perfectly capable of it just became lazy in last couple of years. I can not imagine giving up my freedom, my privacy, new job. I actually feel like I have not lived yet a happy life. Already now if I go to visit it is literally 48h before the start of an argument for me using the wrong saucepan, not coming home before dark, wearing or not wearing a hat. I am mid 40s but treated like a 11 years old. I get all the comments how her friends' children are there helping, taking them on holiday, to appointments, sons in law doing little jobs, daughters coming more often than I. I look at my DM who I love dearly and listen to when she needs a moan, then look at my DP who is 17 years older than me and I am so sad because whilst I hear them moaning I never feal heard by them. I said over time and time again that you all will get a nice care and send off but who is going to look after me when I am old. That is when the awkward silence creeps in. My DM says oh well it is up to you how you resolve it. I think one of many reasons I ended up childless was that fear of not getting support, guidance etc. My DP has two adult children but they are very badly brought up or rather not at all. I tend to avoid. All they are interested is whether and how much inheritance there will be for them. My DP and I are not married as DP wants all to go to his children and not share anything with me. With all this at play I am really unsure what to do. I would love to meet a loving man my age with whom I could still catch up on joys of life and feel young and happy rather than washed out by the worry whether DM would cope and why is DP treating me already like his nurse/ companion. I thought of moving to where my DM lives, get a job there and start new life but I fear starting again. My entire adult life has been here. Then I fear that by moving over there, I will enable my DM to be very dependant on me and therefore my life will be very limited. I wonder if there are other only children here with similar stories. What would you do? I feel guilty and trapped. Perhaps there is something I am doing wrong or perhaps I am missing something?