MIL extended visits

[kazzakon]

MIL lives in Montreal, is a widow, used to come and stay with us for 2-3 weeks twice a year, visits now have grown to be up to two months, twice a year. She arrived in late October so to spend her 70th with us, and stay for Christmas. This summer she was with us for 7 weeks, it ended up being for 7 weeks so she could do a specific week on a walking holiday and then be here for school summer holidays so to see the children (and she came in holiday with us). I've encouraged her visits but not the length of them, they are just too long. The kids only want to spend time with her and it just really changes our family dynamic. She offers to help with household stuff and I do take her up on her offers of help (things like hanging laundry, maybe unloading the dishwasher) but i do all the cooking, food planning etc and she doesn't contribute at all, no offer to cook a meal (always has made out she can't work out oven etc) and no contribution financially. She's essentially, this year including her current visit she will have gotten free 'Full Board' for almost four months. She's got a week away in early December in crete which will break it up, but I'm finding this visit pretty intense already. I work full time, very intense role, 2 children and find it super hard to get home from work and have to interact with her day in day out, and have her dominate everything in our family routines! She has announced she is planning on being here for 5 weeks over Easter. Children love having her here, evenings after school they hang with her, I don't get a look in, find it very hard to maintain our routine, have had to get heavy handed with her about bed times as she really pushes the limit at times, encouraging the children to ask for extensions etc. I get on ok with her but just find it changes our family dynamic having her here. I'm beginning to really resent that she 'takes' the precious time I have with my kids away. She has told me she lives for these visits, she has friends and another son back home but is clearly lonely. I just can't have this the new norm, and want to get the visits back to the 2-3 weeks. My husband is just passive about all of this, he finds her annoying but doesn't want to upset her. Also feel she should contribute financially but he refuses to speak to her on that. His view is it's helpful for free babysitting, this is true, but I just would rather we pay. She is the only grandparent my kids have, and I feel really conflicted but just don't think it's fair that she invades out family life for so long and really concerned she now thinks this is the norm. Am I being unreasonable to want to take a stance here? I think I will suggest we want a family Easter, can she come over half term for 2-3 weeks instead. Is that fair?

Fair doesn't really come into it. I think your plan sounds fine but it isn't going to be that easy implementing it if your dh isn't on board. It sounds as if even if you get him to agree, he'll fold as soon as she pushes.

I think it's fine to try though. You may need to be a bit blunt - push to fix a departure date for the Easter trip.

It was great you had your DMiL for your family holiday, she must be fun for your DC as they want to spend time with her, she is their only grandparent and at 70 she may not be able to travel in a few years time. However, she should accept your family rules and not encourage your DC to break them. Don’t go overboard with the cooking, just serve simple food that you normally have.

When you say she was with you for 7 weeks in the summer it was really 6 as she did go on a week’s walking tour and she is going to Crete this time. The cost of the flight from Montreal is about £1000 so it isn’t as if she can pop over every few weeks. If you are struggling with the cost of her keep then it is up to your DP to broach the subject.

Your feelings are completely valid. In your place I would feel suffocated.

Your DH doesn't get to be passive. This is your home too and you don't want her there for this long. So he needs to tell her. Decide first for yourself what the new boundaries are. Max of three weeks? Plus consultation over dates rather than them being imposed? Those seem like the key things. Some of the other stuff like mealtimes, boundaries etc will matter less if it's only three weeks so I think I'd park those and send DH with a very simple message that he can't convolute and she can't pretend to misunderstand.

He'll be reluctant, of course he will, because this will be awkward and she will be upset. But tough shit. You are entitled to be heard on this and it's not that he disagrees, he's just a coward. MIL is 70. This could easily go on for another 10-12 years, your children's childhoods are too precious to let this fly.

I would feel like you do so I’d plan an outdoorsy Easter holiday and give her 2-3 weeks after that. And tell your dh very seriously that you love your kids have a grandparent but they don’t have two mums, you are their mum and as well as exhausted you are feeling robbed of time with your dc for months a year. So firstly he says firmly mum if you could please support us on bedtimes not make our life harder, or you will be ever more firm, and the next time he can’t limit the visit to 4 weeks you will be going away with the kids for a week at 4 weeks and he can explain what he got wrong to his mum. Can you plan a 2 week trip over there to help balance it?

also, which nights is your dh cooking etc while you have some quality dc time?

I dread my in-laws visiting but DC bloody loves them so I bite my tongue, their grandparents aren’t around forever and it’s clearly an important relationship and one they will remember fondly. But I can only do 2 weeks and I’m pretty clear on that with DH and he finds a way to say it gently.

In your position I would tell DH that he has to take turns on meal planning and cooking. One week you, other week him (this should already be the case if you are both working). I would see it as labour for food, if she’s happy to help and babysit then just take her up on it. If she’s there for two months at a time she gets treated like every other member of the family and pitches in.

Your DH can afford to be passive about it because it doesn't add extra work for him. I'd say that when she comes, he's responsible for every meal.

I did this when my exMIL came. She's really lovely and I loved having her, but it was stressful for me and the extra work fell on me not him. He had live in childcare, attention from mother and wife (until wife got fed up and a bit grumpy, then he had mum), got mum and wife taking care of everything.

I told him (didn't suggest it, or discuss it, I told him and carried it out) that he was in charge of the food incl shopping for his family visits and I didn't back down. I didn't buy anything extra for even her first night. He ordered takeaway then got in it. I did feel a bit guilty and she def did think her golden boy was doing a lot (wasn't "a lot" when I was doing it..). But it worked. And it helped.

But 7 weeks (and to whoever said it's only 6 weeks cos she's away, no, she's not fully away, it's just a break in the middle of a 7 week stay) is too long. However, I suspect that when DH is responsible for cooking, it'll change.

Oh I also stopped going on some days out altogether and thinking of things that would be enjoyable for her too. I left that to DH, because the mental load adds up.

I became head of guest care for my guests, and he for his.

Stop making an effort and let your DH do the shopping, cooking, planning for when she visits. As soon as it's work for him then it'll reduce!

Book a family holiday at Easter, so there is a fixed end point to her visit as you'll be going away. If she talks about staying on, take it as an offer of housesitting!

Do your kids genuinely like having her along on holidays etc? I grew up with a grandparent close by and ended up deeply resenting how everything had to be geared round them eg activities on holiday.

What else does she have on when she's back at her own house? Could you encourage more friendships, social life, volunteering or something over there so she has something she wants to get back to?

Thanks for the comments, which are helpful. I have learnt that it is better that my husband and I talk to her together otherwise she can be quite manipulative. She is a great grandmother to my kids, who just love having her around. Its tricky as clearly she can't pop over for a week at a time, but this current pattern cannot continue. I've looked again at the dates for Easter and on the basis we want to do a UK holiday just us, am going to say no, Easter doesn't work and that she can come over may half term instead, one week either side too if she wants so 3 weeks max. That ties in with another walking holiday she wants to do also, so is a neat solution which hopefully she'll accept..

Talk to your husband first, tell him the long visits are wearing you out. He may be getting worn out too. Make up some minor health issue that will excuse you from the stress of long visits. If your husband is getting worn out, then all the better.

How did the chat go @kazzakon? Has she come for Easter or did you manage to instil some boundaries?

I think people are being overly kind!

4 months!

Just put your big girl,pants on and say “no”. Your home, you decide.

If it were me, I would say no no it doesn’t really work for you. You’ve got too much on at the moment, work wise, health, whatever, always having an excuse to hand. Say to her coming over for a couple of weeks during the summer would be better. Can she get back to you on some possible dates? Make sure you have some holiday plans of your own that she can’t invade.

I think she’s being pretty rude in assuming you will host her for that length of time, and without invitation. But then again, you said she can be quite manipulative.

Previous poster said grandparents aren’t around forever, which is actually not always the case. This could carry on for the next 10 years quite easily, and beyond, unless set some boundaries down now.

She’s only 70. My MIL is in her 90s and she’s still doing this. Start making excuses before it becomes a habit. If your excuses don’t work, set boundaries. My MIL has pushed me to my limit because, tbh, I thought she wouldn’t live this long and still be intruding for this long. Nip it in the bud.

Those visits sound really long, it’s ok if you were happy with it but you’re not, your dh should really be helping to sort this one out.
wjen my auntie/uncle visit my cousin ( cross continental flight) she makes them stay in an air bnb nearby so that everyone gets some breathing room , perhaps this is a thing to suggest? Any visit over 2/3 weeks means she moves into an airbnb.
or yes, make your dh sort out guest care for his guests, and you relax

He should also really suggest to her she buy your family a meal once in a while on her visits!!! That would annoy me too